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Let Me Be Your Favorite Nightmare

Love

It came so easily

But was it love or just lust that I accepted

Which was the frequency?

Never mind that because although the love you gave did end up pleasing me

Still

Something was missing, my usual carefree spirit was wheezing for air

As if you sucked it all out of me and left me without a care

As if I give and give and give

And I live to forgive then relive

But to see your highs while I stay low

A leech you are

Protected by your costume of snow

In the moment it’s bliss

When I look back I reminisce

On how I missed out on an equal give and take

Choosing someone who I knew would end up giving me heartache

All for something that felt good but when I wake up I see it was all fake

I see past the desire of feeling love

It’s all about you, it always was

The most beautiful boogeyman

Stuck on your looks and I really should have looked passed that

You were my favorite nightmare but for what?

It’s just a fact that it was all For a quick fuck and a trip to the land of unseen

I’ll tell you what

Tonight, I’ll see you again in my dreams

@nocturnalxo

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Speed Law

J wants to die she’s working on dying before her time

What can you do

She takes those pills it’s fucking with more than just her mind

What can you say

Has so much potential but wastes it on cheap thrills

Doesn’t see too far ahead she’s stuck on the mundane wheel

When everyone sees her, they see a star in the making

But the way she’s followed the trend makes them feel like they’re sadly mistaken

J just wants to fill an empty hole that her reality isn’t giving

J isn’t a bad person she’s just fallen victim to the hood life she’s been living

Once j wakes up and realizes health is wealth

Once j wakes up and realizes drugs and substance won’t bring you strength

Once she sees it’s all in the books that she reads and the knowledge that will help her live her vivid dreams

Once she sees there’s more to life than fast cars and the newest EP

Once she sees that the family and friends around her are blessings amongst other things

Once she starts smelling the roses and learns this lesson

The manifestation will start rolling, and there won’t be so much stressing

But who am I to speak?

I’m just an observer watching my friend slowly bring on an early peak

It hurts to see but addressing it is hard because it’s depressing to hear about all of her scars

Knowing all I can do is listen

Can’t make any actions for her that’s her own mission

Nobody’s perfect I would never judge her for giving in to the unhealthy frisson

I just wish one day she complies and sees the real vision

I pray she gets out of that mental prison and all the self sins she made on herself she’s able to look at herself and be forgiven

Nobody’s perfect! I’m not a saint

And the way it’s easy to be a victim to substance abuse should make us all say …

”Hold up, wait.”

The youth must wake up and realize the war on drugs is personal

It’s not the same as it was back then It’s actually way less merciful

In the fact that it’s gotten stronger chemicals in it that will make your high last longer

It’s not innocent and if you’re not grounded

It’ll leave you in false imprisonments

In your mind

So never depend

Never look at it as a friend.

Never think that it’s a problem solver

Because next time you look, you’re playing Russian roulette  with a gun revolver

⁃ @nocturalxo

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The Alchemy of Pain

Growing up without a father left me feeling empty

Searching for things that would fill the void it left me

Searching for things that didn’t accurately align with my purpose

Things that set me back I wonder if it was all on purpose

If I was meant to have to learn from all these lessons

The stress this life gave me also came with many blessings

But when I look back i try to find exactly what made me

The trauma did it made me stronger

Strong to fight with bravery

Strong to fight so nothing on this earth can genuinely phase me

and when I look back, I used to want to be so perfect

Not knowing that the trauma made me grow so I can thirst this

thirst for a purpose that would make me feel so free,

desire for all of the knowledge I could gain in these crooked streetz

I didn’t have a father to teach me the full game

just a lot of family that wanted to and tried to help me gain

higher self-esteem to look at myself positively

let the feeling of it all being my fault go, so I could breathe

that empty feeling, I had to fix within my soul

I couldn’t understand it left me feeling like this life just continues to take tolls

like love was war and that I needed a man

like I could do nothing on my own, and I needed a helping hand

I went through many trials

trials and tribulations

I almost pressed the dial

I almost couldn’t face it

I didn’t understand why my life was such a hit and miss

but then something clicked it took a while, but I began to predict

had visions of a life that I could see

A life that was designed perfectly for you and me

A life where you won’t have to suffer and then die

A life where dreams come true and all I did was open my eyes

because this life cant really be such a grand chore

as long as you work for what you want, there will always be more

I realized that life is really what you make it

I learned after certain trips

that left me stranded in the Himalayas

I’m still not perfect but trust me when I tell you

I do stay growing cause this life will continue to test you

The alchemy of pain is the knowledge that I gained and how its flourishing

The passion that remains, build it up if the pain has left any stains

because something that is true is that we’re here for a short time so just do you

@nocturnalxo

 

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Breaking Free

The walls around me were white

My soul felt trapped

airtight

Flashbacks of my first day

Did they really leave me here to stay?

I glanced to my left and then to my right

“You don’t belong here, you better fight”

Voices rang my eyes dropped as low as they can

I did belong, I just wasn’t well

Spirit on low, thoughts that you’ll never know

Visions of what my life could be

Was it true or was it all just a fantasy?

Misconceptions all day

I couldn’t believe I had let this get to my brain

I just wanted to escape but I knew this was my place for the time being

I wrote and wrote and wrote

Until my heart felt less broke

And once It did I looked in the mirror

Reflection looked extremely unfamiliar

Fore I was so used to the sadness

It’s almost as if I had lost all of my balance

But I knew deep down I was there

I just couldn’t see it, I barely cared

It took some time but I recovered

I didn’t lose anything I only uncovered

Deeper layers of myself

Journal writing was my help including God

All I did was write I took that pen as my fight

I’m better now than I was back then

Because I learned how to be my own bestfriend

How to love myself unconditionally

It’s a struggle still but I consistently

Try and try and try

That’s all we can do and sometimes I

Still slip up, I still fall down

As long as I pick myself up for the next time around

I will persevere as long as I stand my ground

As long as I don’t forget and I know my worth

No more tears and no more hurt.

@nocturnalxo

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Growing Pains

Being human sucks sometimes, in the sense of it’s confusing and intense. We’re told at a very young age that we must grow up and take on full adult responsibilities. It’s normalized to just suck things up and get the job done, and if the going gets rough because it will get rough since this life isn’t meant to be easy, it could be looked at as being a cry baby or immaturity. But maybe 18 really isn’t a mature adult age. In the eyes of the law, yes, but If you think about it, are 18-year-olds really grown? When I look back to me at 18 years old, I see a broken, lost girl who knew herself but didn’t really know how to tap into her capability. A lion in sheep’s clothing following what seemed to be the right path, but it wasn’t my soul’s path. Conforming to society’s idea of success.

And furthermore getting lost in a maze I never unlocked before. I see life hitting me hard with many actualities of what this life really is. Tragedies and trauma from even younger ages but epiphanies of what they really were supposed to mean to me. I also see myself trying to reject reality by overindulging in things that brought me temporary happiness. Whether that be sex, weed, liquor, or material matters like money clothes or stuff that, in reality, was never going to fill that void for me. All of those things seemed fulfilling, but, in hindsight, were fraudulent escapism tools. When you think about it, it’s kinda like wow, all the things that can make you feel good ultimately make you feel bad. And that shit stinks, Life.

“Why everything that supposed to be bad makes me feel so good?” – Kanye West. Knowing me, I’ll put the link below this because that’s the energy I want to discuss in these next few paragraphs. When it is all said and done, moderation is vital, and adjusting to what this life is and acting accordingly will save a lot of people’s sanity, including mine. Another thing about life is, everything is easier said than done. It’s easy to tell someone who is suffering from addiction, whether that be sex addiction, love addiction, drug addiction, social media addiction, etc. To just snap out of it, “focus on your priorities,” but when you don’t understand the type of euphoria it brings, the kind of serotonin and dopamine released. It’s hard to even sympathize with what in your reality seems trivial. It’s easy to say things, but it’s harder to put in the work and do it. Unless that person truly wants to let go of any of their addictions, they won’t. It’s possible because anything is possible, but that feel-good reaction comes rushing back in their memories, and letting it go hurts because maybe reality is not as extraordinary as what they’re abusing.

Letting go from memories seems like something that is also easier said than done. Sometimes when we think about past memories, we only think about the good we don’t think about how that person has hurt us to unforgivable degrees; we just think about when they were extra loving and what made us love them as much as we do. We think about that really lovely high when we couldn’t stop laughing or when music felt so different we don’t think about when we threw up or couldn’t function properly. We think about our first orgasm or just the plenty of times intimacy has brought bliss, we don’t think about that time we were coerced forced or manipulated into performing sexual acts we really didn’t want to perform. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized you were just getting used. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized your partner was not as hygienic as you hoped. Some of these things could bother you as a person; some of these things could be something you could care less about. Some of these things could have happened to you, Some of these things could have not happened to you. And We’re all different, but that doesn’t mean it cannot happen to you.

Although life makes it so that words can come easy and actions to follow those words can be a trial, It does not mean we are not capable. It does not mean we cannot. We are humans, and although our actions on a global scale have given us a bad name slightly, we don’t understand just how powerful we are. Letting go seems to be the cause of a lot of ongoing addictions. Letting go is hard because we want to own those memories; it’s in our subconscious, so why shouldn’t we relive it over and over again? Letting go and lack of self-love, lack of actual knowledge on just how unique our species is. Not only because of the power we hold but the emotions that behold inside of our hearts. To truly let go, we must know that everything we search for externally is already in us.

 

These are the things I’ve seen or experienced all of these things are apart of the human experience. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Having to grow up at a young age, even younger than 18 sometimes for personal reasons, is hard. Our brains aren’t yet fully equipped to handle such a chaotic chain of events, life goes by shortly. It just feels long.   In actuality, it is an illusion. Get into a place in life where you are happy content and having fun and watch time suddenly escape in a blink of an eye. Kinda like the drug DMT if you’ve ever heard of it or taken it. It lasts 15 seconds, but it feels like hours. Of course, it’s a drug, so it’s a little different but.. is it? Is life all just a simulation? But I digress. Striving for maturity as a legal adult is ideal, but maturity takes time to fully reach it’s peak, thus the growing pains that accompany it. I have struggled with overthinking and feeling like I should be a full-grown adult and act like one too; when I’m only twenty years old. Putting pressure on myself to figure things out and suck the heartaches up, but it does not make sense, and it is actually very unhealthy to do so. People around my age, the youth, we have to learn to be kind to ourselves to be aware of how life can pass us by but strive to reach a path where it does most positively.

Life is filled with earthquakes. Some small some large some that will rock your world and some that will shake the ground slightly. And although everything is easier said than done, this life is a test. That’s not an opinion; that’s a fact. A test to see what we can handle, a check on our character, an inspection on our soul. To be ready for what’s beyond, we must first deal with the mundane. To be adequately equipped for the mundane, we must first grow, adjust to reality, and accept our pain. Move on and become our own biggest fans in a way where arrogance doesn’t show, but self love surely glows. We must acknowledge our feelings truly heal and keep our heads up high for the next day. Life is what you make it, and it’s so easy to get lost in the negativity but they always say the easiest path isn’t as rewarding as the path that makes you sweat or makes your heart skip a beat, the road less traveled on. Growing pains, it is hard, and it hurts, but in the end, it all works. Choose the path that will bring you to your higher self, the road that connects your body with your soul. “Nobody said it would be easy they just promised it would be worth it.”-Harvey Mackay

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Part I, II & III

 

PT . I

I can only blame myself

 

That’s what makes me wanna scream

 

I don’t regret a thing

 

But I wish I did things differently

 

I can only blame myself

 

I wanna forgive but the memories are still healing

where is my will to live?

Why the hell am I still grieving?

What you did was close to stealing

My sunny go lucky disposition

not only that but after it all i lost all ambition

Dealing with the pain of having a significant other

bite you with his fangs

The pang gave me mental illness

you gave me PTSD when you put your hands on me

I quickly went to blame myself I said

 

I can only blame me

 

And although time heals all wounds

the time has surely shown just how easily I can bruise

 

I still cannot believe that I was watering dead trees

trying so hard to resurrect so many dead things

 

I can only blame myself

 

I saw the bark withering away

 

And still, I decided to continue to give other pieces of me

 

I can only blame myself

 

For not knowing then what I know now

 

The answer was in front of my face so how

 

How did I not see how?

 

you were never meant for me

 

An illusion of what I wanted you to be

 

I can only blame myself

 

And although positivity is a virtue

 

When I look back I think of all the things I didn’t do

 

Not for us but for me

 

I can only blame myself for my current lack of self-esteem

 

PT. II

New-season different reasons

same old numbing pain

I no longer blame myself I know that’s a dangerous game to play

and yet here I am still heartbroken

do I ever learn? am I waiting and watching for my soul to burn?

internally because it seems to me

that I haven’t learned my lessons

so many blessings but disaster is always what I’m left with

Tears fill the echo of the room

It’s noisy and yet the focus is still on us two

Tears that I didn’t mean to drop

Tears that make my heart go nonstop

I try to look away but I still feel your gaze

Embarrassment rushes through my visible veins

I wish I could take that day away

Being vulnerable.

Don’t know if I’ll ever conquer it

My vulnerability makes me feel like

I’m on a never landing sky rocket

Who knew my feelings could run this deep especially after all that was done to me

I sure didn’t and now I can’t sleep

you weren’t the cause of my primary pain and yet I was still able to have you leave a stain

Living rent-free in my brain and it’s pitiful

I brought this energy into the new year and it’s critical

That I end this vicious cycle

Because I’m the one that’s hurting

The heart wants what it wants but I was still a burden

for using my emotions

I may not be right but I know I wasn’t chosen

which is fine I’ve been down this road before

maybe now I can see what I’m genuinely living for

PT. III

There’s more to life

I must move on I must do right

When will I change?

When will I rewrite

The cons of me feeling so incomplete

When will I feel full without someone else to a certain degree

I must be deranged

It all seems so strange

The dream I had was intense but I took it too far

Now I have to pick up my own pieces

A messy galore

Being independent is what I am

But sometimes I wish I could have a helping hand

Enough of that pity party I came in alone

So here I go doing the one thing I know

Being strong moving on

No longer holding on to all the sadness

suppressing things that had to be put into the blackness

into my void, contained all noise

Is it healthy? I don’t know but I do know I’ll get past this

Thank God for expression

I need to learn my lesson

So another sleepless night isn’t spent

If I’m lucky one day I will become my own best friend

@nocturnalxo

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World Peace

I’m ringing all the alarm bells

The truth is we’re living in hell aswell

I’m tired of this as the reality for all of us

In the grand scheme of things, this affects everyone

I don’t want this for the general population or my family so let us discuss

World peace world peace

Is it really too much to ask?

I toss back my head and laugh

To stop the tears that crash from the absence of

World peace world peace

If I’m so tired, imagine them

Living in a war zone parallel to hell

How can we end it if evil seems to prevail?

World peace world peace

I’ll pray about it every day

my biggest wish is that it does not go in vain

Because one day my desire will coerce the brains

To wash away all the hate

We are humans we are one in this land of shame

World peace world peace

I don’t think I’m asking for much

But with all the corrupt leadership It feels like nothing will budge

and evil has corrupt everyday souls

if you ask me the good must take control

but that’s the dreamer in me trying to find a real loophole

One day one day

World peace will reign

When it does, I’ll say

Thank you, God, for such a beautiful day

@nocturnalxo

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LOVE

I don’t want a love that i have to fight for

I don’t want a love that makes me feel unworthy or makes me deal with gaslight nor

Do I want a love that contradicts who i am

Don’t want to question myself over any man

Don’t need a love that makes me go insane or question my brain

I want a love that makes me love myself more

Makes me see all that i bring to the door

A love that only validates my true power

One that helps me grow into a beautiful flower

In all reality i want a love that is unconditional

Something i can give to myself as it wont be minimal

A love called self

A love that will never put me on the bottom shelf

A love everlasting

A love that does not need any form of fasting

A love which is true

The best love you can give yourself is loving you

@nocturnalxo

 

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All That I Need

I’m really all that i need

Its truly beautiful that i finally see

It took me long enough to genuinely believe

That all the beauty i see in you i can also see in me

I’m really all that i need

Of course loneliness is something that still happens to me

I tap in and see how harmonious i am alone as i continue to grow

Because without my self love than i am truly alone

The potential that i have goes on for centuries

Once i set that potential in motion my success will run as deep as the pacific ocean

And when i focus on the positive i let go all of my miseries

When i legitimately dive in deep

I see how i thrive when i believe in me

So believe in you

Because true love develops when you grow the seed of truth

That once we initiate that unconditional love within

There is nothing holding us back to win

@nocturnalxo

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The Highs & The Lows

The highs could outweigh the lows but who knows what this life will hold

One minute we’re flying next second we fall

And that fall may stall what is meant to be

but keep your head up because soon they all will see

From the illusion of control the reality of us as a whole

We must relinquish and surrender

The Universe/ God is working  as our defender

our souls’ journey may be traveling through a blender

Live for you because this life is unapologetic

you’ll look back and wish that it was oh so poetic

From The Mountain top to rock bottom

we all go through shit we all have our problems

please don’t let the lows intervene 

don’t let it kill your dreams

time alone is exactly what you need

the highs and the lows will simply behold our spirits calling for more

Breathe in

Breathe out

We all will figure things out

@Nocturnalxo