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EGO

Everything I’m about to type I am guilty of.

This society is very ego-driven, meaning we determine our self worth on what we think about ourselves. That doesn’t sound like a bad thing but too much of anything can turn into a demise. We want to believe that in some way shape or form, we are better than the next person. This can cause us to become arrogant and mask it with confidence. I know this because it was once me. It isn’t that we are not special beings, it is the fact that everyone is special in their own ways. We all have things that make us stand out. Whether you are very in touch with your spirit, or you are a very hard worker or you are very empathetic and caring, etc. These things make us stand out but just because we may feel like we are one of one, that does not necessarily mean that it is true. That is something your ego wants you to believe. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that you should dim your light. All that I’m trying to convey is that starving your ego is healthy and won’t lead to delusion, disappointment or regret.

For example, with me, sometimes when I embrace what makes me unique or different I can unintentionally make others feel less than. Since life is a cycle assemble the uno reverse card for I as well have felt that before with others.  It is not our fault for how other people take things. A lot of times the people who take offense are going through their own circumstances. We tend to use social media as an escape and it becomes very easy to get lost in the sauce. In the age of smartphones, it is very easy to lose touch. It is not like how it began where we would have to log out and log back on when we feel like. The energy stays with us and we tend to take things personally even when it is not meant in that way. Is it our fault? Should we stop being who we are for that? My answer is No. Being mindful and aware of how strong our energy can come off is ideal. Understanding that everyone grows at their own pace and removing yourself from any energy that brings you pain, Strong or not, is the idea. My point is, Moderation is the key. Starving your ego is what we should all do from time to time yet killing your ego can and will lead to low self-esteem and depression

I think a mistake I have made is that in trying desperately to humble myself, I would kill my ego instead of starving it. There is a very fine line but once this is achieved, Aligning with your true purpose will become easier. I will put a link on helpful tips to starve your ego and align with your soul.

 

5 Ways To Starve The Ego

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Hero on Ground Zero

Her smile, Her strength

I learned it all from the best

Goodness gracious this lady had on a bulletproof vest

Reminded me of a ram mixed with a bull

Or so it seemed because in all reality

We cannot escape mortality

Working hard never taking a break

Life catches up to us all we all must accept our fate

And so it was

Losing your memory hurt me the most

Because all I can remember is every time you took

Me to the park or those sleepovers in the dark

Now I see you dying slowly

shot after shot

I wish we could turn back the clock

Go back to those days when you would watch me play

Now you act younger than me because of whats going on in your brain

I wish things were different but this life is a mystery

So all I can do now is remember your true history.

A strong woman you are and will always be

I’ll remember who you were and what you meant to me

Nocturnalxo

https://act.alz.org/site/Donation2?df_id=32112&32112.donation=form1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paidsearch&utm_campaign=google_giving&set.custom.wt=giving&gclid=CjwKCAiA58fvBRAzEiwAQW-hzbcR6fGMVR-2WDSnv84TKVxwHG_MoCB9XzDSTezKKx-66n07yN_DZxoC-mkQAvD_BwE

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Transfiguration (Short story)

   The wind felt bitter cold, and I could feel myself getting sick. That’s December in Connecticut for you though. I almost couldn’t get out of bed today, and it made me wonder about seasonal depression. It seems like a real thing, but lately, it’s been feeling like more than just that. Isn’t Seasonal depression a temporary thing? Hence the word seasonal? Regardless, The feelings I’ve been carrying around have been heavy since my first memory. Although I would have loved to stay in bed all day and sleep like I’m in hibernation, I have too many people who depend on me to do that. So, although I dreaded getting up today and seeing the snow, responsibilities needed to be tended to. As I’m walking towards my car, I pass by my reflection, and I almost flinch. My work uniform looks dirty, and my hair looks like it hasn’t been picked out or touched in days. I sigh and keep it moving, it is what it is.

           “Damon.” I heard a familiar girl’s voice call my name, So I broke my neck looking for anyone who would meet my eyes. Because it happened to be 5:30AM, the streets were practically empty. I shake my head, and immediately my mind goes to the fact that I fell asleep late, I didn’t even get the chance to eat breakfast. I wasn’t entirely convinced that that was the reason why I heard the voice. When I finally get to my car and enter it, for some odd reason, the vehicle felt already warmed up. This made my anxiety reach maximum potential, and I started to feel this gut-wrenching feeling as if someone was in my car or someone was watching me. I know how to defend myself, but I didn’t feel like even having to resort to that, I was too tired for all that extra energy to be wasted. My paranoia was knocking on the door, and my intuition was telling me to stay put and see what is up, but the time was telling me that if I don’t start driving, I was going to be late. So I said myself I’m just tired and I did not take these feelings seriously. I thought of my mother, who had just lost her job, and I thought of my little sister, who probably was not going to get everything on her Christmas list because of that. Before I knew it, I put the key in the ignition and got the car going.

It almost felt like I was on autopilot. My eyelids were heavy, and the highway was pretty empty. I thought I had everything under control until I heard that same voice call my name again, which made me jump. I was holding on to the steering wheel, and as I hopped with my hands still holding on to the steering wheel, I accidentally dragged the wheel to the right. I wasn’t completely aware of my surroundings, I didn’t see the car speeding recklessly to my right and what should have only been a scare turned into a full-blown nasty accident. What I saw after the accident is what will stay imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. I saw the whole accident while it was happening. I saw my car colliding with the other vehicle, and even worse, My foot was still on the gas, blame it on shock, and I watched it flip and crash into the exit ramp. I saw the Drunk driver get out of his car and get arrested, I saw my lifeless body, and what was even scarier, I saw and mostly felt a powerful figure next to me, staring at me. I can’t remember the face, but I do remember the brown eyes speaking to my soul. “Was it worth it?” was one of the things that no matter how hard I try, I can not get out of my mind. I remember the feeling of sincere sorrow, regret, and fear. I wasn’t ready to die, and I knew that very well, I felt it. My Mother, My little sister, and my Partner all came into my mind. The figure next to me examined me while I was having a breakdown, and I felt the empathy and rapport of this figure. As soon as I did,  all those negative feelings went away.

I woke up in the hospital with all my loved ones around. Even people who I thought did not really care for me had sent kindhearted messages to my phone. I was in a coma for 1 week. Which was crazy to me because I saw my lifeless body. I saw myself dead I was even able to describe the whole accident to my doctor. After I received physical therapy, The doctor told me I was lucky to have made a full recovery and no permanent neurological damage. They had told my family that I might not make it because of the swelling in my brain and how I was unresponsive to the treatment. Growing up, I never really attended church or thought about God. My life was intense, and I didn’t have the foundation of religion or spirituality.

My parents were too focused on their dying relationship. I used to think about it a lot as I grew up, but I was not educated on any religion, and as I grew older, my life of sin grew taller. Religion seemed imaginary, and I could not afford to live in an imaginary world. Life was hard enough to get caught up in the abstract world. After that accident, once I was cleared to go back to work, I told my boss I need Sundays off to rest. I was compelled to. To my surprise, she was more than happy to oblige. I started educating myself on different religions; none of them really seemed appealing for me personally, but I kept seeing crosses everywhere, so I assumed all this was leading me to Jesus Christ. To this day, I wonder if the figure was Jesus, but when I started researching religions, I saw that Christians believe that God and Jesus are the same, so I’m sure it was. Although I side-eye the bible every time I pick it up because of the history of it, I tried to keep an open mind. Once I did, I realized that God gave us free will, and we can not blame God for mankind. I started getting epiphanies on why God created such flawed humans. My personal belief is we are in this dimension to learn lessons and evolve. Once we have completed those lessons and have evolved, we can ascend. I now know how much wisdom is in every religious book, regardless. The Quran, The Torah, The Bible, etc.  I knew that even being able to try and change my life or try and acknowledge a higher power was a blessing. Not many people get the opportunity to receive.

Regardless of my Spiritual beliefs, I must say the fact that I got away with causing an accident has weighed heavy on my soul. Although I am a firm believer that everything we go through is by design, I’m human, and my guilty conscious started taking over my mind. I started seeing a therapist which was long overdue if you ask me. The therapist reinforced the thought that if it was not me who would have gotten into the accident, it would have been someone else. Driving drunk and Driving tired is equivalent to statistically speaking. Although I understand she was doing her job in trying to ease my guilt, I take full responsibility. Whenever I see I am not going to get enough sleep to function correctly and have an early shift the next morning, I always send a message to my Superior to weigh out my options.

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PSA

I just want to say to all the bloggers who follow me, or anyone reading this, I barely know how to navigate this website so please bare with me! I only created it 3 days ago, I need to watch more YouTube videos for all the ins and outs, so this blog is under construction until I have learned completely but thank you for showing love and feeling interested enough to want to keep up with myself and my work, it means more than words could even describe. Okay good morning or goodnight ❤

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New day

Swallowed by the dark

sometimes it’s hard to remember just who you are

The light can seem so far

but hold on to that shining star

it lives in each and every one of us

look within and the dark will once be an old home of past scars

Tomorrow is a new day

Hold on to that shining light, try to pray

For the darkness is only temporary

and our light may be dimmed but its eternally within

Hope may feel gone

but brighter days are to come ❤

Nocturnalxo

New day kanye west jay z

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Imperfectly Perfect

I used to think that i had to be perfect or at least something close to it. I used to feel like because i knew very well that i am not perfect i had to try extra hard or alternatively hide my true self. I am so grateful for the illusion of time and the experience that my life has brought because it made me realize that i am perfect… perfectly me. Me saying that does not mean that the things that need to evolve or the things that hurt others and myself are okay. Taking accountability for faults and changing those said faults are ideal. Staying stagnant and saying “Well thats just the way i am.” is detrimental not only to yourself but to others around you. I’ve been there hey, i’m still there… but i’m over it. A new decade is about to begin and although i’m only 20 years old it does not mean i have to tolerate bullshit from myself or others. 2020 the year of bossing up and being the best version of yourself. When we really think about it though no body on this earth is perfect Only God. Something that is common knowledge but we often forget, especially with social media where illusions are normal and encouraged, whether we are aware of that or not. No matter what you personally believe we are on this earth to learn. Whether that may be lessons or knowledge (both). Life is what you make it and the fact that we have the technology to even read this post means we need to start counting our blessings and we have to stop and smell the roses. I say we because i am not better than anyone nor am i beneath anybody i am on the same journey. We are equals so lets make the most of this egocentric world and focus on the good. Easier said than done but i know that we could ❤

https://youtu.be/xnAc-rgvJTA

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Am I imagining this or is it real

Oh yes, I’m dissociating

What is real?

I’m losing my mind

In the calmest way

I don’t think I’m fine

But I’ll be okay.

My inner most thoughts

Just revealed like that

Vulnerability just sucks

I prefer that mask

A facade of neat

To cover up my weak spots

Someone tell me how to get rid of these dark thoughts

I know what I need

Some inner work indeed

This can’t be real life

This must be a dream

Or a nightmare for me cus I just can’t see

Why me why me

This victim mentality

I’ve become so used to it

A tragic normality

Some inner self work and a new mindset

Will give me the strength that I just don’t have

A walking contradiction

I confuse myself

So please bare with me

I must excuse myself

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Message

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MY NAME IS DIA

Well, you can refer to me as DIA, which is short for Claudia.

Karina, which is my middle name, or nocturnalxo are preferred if the nickname DIA doesn’t rock your world. whatever you decide this is the story of my life… totally joking you’d have to pay me for that one but this will be a place where i face something that i have noticed to be my biggest fear. Being completely transparent and vulnerable. With that being said, what you can expect is a great deal of poetry, thoughts and self reflection. Knowing me i will definitely add lyrics and quotes.

Maybe if i feel bold enough short stories but just know i am a fiction writer. Just a little background information though, I’ve been writing since about 8 or 9. I used to write fan fiction and post it on YouTube and i’m one of those people who will bring that up until death because i was pretty successful, for a 8/9 year old. My insecurities were pretty successful as well though. I hid behind a username and only those closest to me knew about it. If i only had kept going perhaps i would have a Netflix movie out by now. Life took over and i kind of strayed away from my dreams. Either way, everything happens for a reason. Although that is such a cliche thing that people usually only say to make themselves feel better i have seen it to be true in ways that may or may not be evident with my future blog posts. As in I’ve gained a lot of experience and new perspectives that perhaps can and will make my writing better and better but, you be the judge. This is my first ever blog i loved the show AWKWARD but never even imagined creating my own. If im being honest i can’t completely tell you what im going to say, all i know is i have a lot to say and a lot of feelings so for all you emotionally crippled folks you might not wanna tune in. I can get pretty intense.

So All in All like Demi sang ” This is real, this is me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me And now I’ve found who I am
There’s no way to hold it in No more hiding who I want to be”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv3KA6onF0w