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blog post nocturnalxo

My Month Of June

I went from posting every few days to monthly, which is quite alright with me since i was posting all my creative works so frequently for free at that :’) but hey! I just wanted to update my readers on my month of June and also let you all know about my newest interest which is streaming on twitch and youtube. At the end i will link to both and maybe you guys can check me out! I plan on actually reciting the poetry i did write on there as well as other kind of videos so i think the audience i gained here might like it.

Honestly June was a blur, the most memorable thing is that i got out of my anti social bag and i am slowly starting to become me again. Which is nice, i spent most of june trying to help out in cleaning since my apartment has been plagued with renovations that the super starts but never finishes which left the crib a mess and you know what they say, when your space is messy… you’re mind is messy. I stopped smoking weed, i dont know if i wrote that in my last blog post but i actually really have been fine and have no interest in it. Not to shame anyone who does it, just not for me. I gained a lot of the confidence that i lost and am actually seriously considering going back to school and going forward with my life. I let my trauma really hold me down and the disappointments of romantic affairs keep me in this stagnant space and i had to snap out of it and fix my priorities. Im back in the gym and my self esteem is growing to where it should be.

So although life is not exactly where i thought it would be when i was a teenager, i learned in order for me to be happy i need to loosen the grip and pressure i have on myself. Live in the present and be grateful for every second. 2020 taught me that every day is truly a gift. We lost so many lives, we are blessed to still be alive. i may proclaim to be a master piece (word to Jazmine Sullivan) but i’m still a work in progress and everyday i compete with who i used to be so that i can continue to grow and become better. So thats why i decided to truly believe in myself and put myself out there more. I will never expect to be an overnight sensation, good things take time! Im almost at 5k viewers overall on this site and although that may not be much for others its more than enough for me. Especially since this is my very unofficial blog. I thank every single person who keeps up with it whether i know you or not, to know that someone cares and likes my writing whether its creative or just my blogs it really does mean the world. Okay now i’m going to drop my links to youtube and Twitch and maybe you guys can follow/ subscribe! Thank you again for keeping up with me.

@nocturnalxo

https://youtube.com/channel/UC9QSeOKt722hKo9Lmh2nXsQ

https://www.twitch.tv/nocturnalsims

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blog post grief nocturnalxo Uncategorized

My Month Of May

My month of May was very interesting to say the least, past Trauma was highlighted. The month of May was me facing my own demons. I saw the fruits of my creative labor try and manifest and I saw my anxiety and depression hold me back in ways i could never imagine. I took accountability for the losses that could have been avoided if i had just been less one track minded.

A feeling of Anger and Resentment came up as i saw myself self sabotage my dreams with timidness. A feeling of forgiveness shined on my soul as i let all my shame go and was able to look in the mirror and not dislike who i saw. Self love is my main aim. Lauryn hill once said “How you gon win when you ain’t right within?” Truest thing i ever heard, made the self reflection more intense.

I realized i was letting a crappy mindset control my life after the traumatic year of 2020. With a website of self reflection comes a life of self reflection. My birthday is coming up soon and i will be 22, i realized i was on a weird path that did not reflect my hopes and dreams. What i realized most was it was me vs myself. The blame game is a game we all like to play and sometimes misplaced hate makes our own hearts turn cold. That’s exactly what happened with me.

My main goal last month was to cut off all the toxic connections that i had, i realized so many toxic people were half in, half out. I don’t believe in burning bridges but i do believe in knowing your worth and moving accordingly. I realized my best friend is and will always be GOD. All the past lessons that i did not take heed to came back to bite me in the ass but in a magical kind of way. I learned so much about myself, For that i’m grateful.

Being vulnerable online is super easy but being vulnerable in the public is when my Shell comes out.

My depression made my mindset cloudy and fogged up, Grief is not a laughing matter and the way i had to face grief was harsh but Lovely at the end. This vacation has made me realize that the sky is the limit, with a good mindset comes good vibrations. This made me realized that my grandmother would want me to go after my dreams. Made me understand that while yes, caring for others is an objective, caring for yourself is the real way to ‘happyness’.

The movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” has been on my mind heavy because if i continued on the same path of addiction to the material world, i know personally i would have fell through the cracks. I pride myself in being imperfect but my main intention now is to keep my peace of mind. Like Bob Marley said, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

Categories
blog post grief nocturnalxo poetry

Mona Lisa

Hey mona lisa you look like frida

I dont really know if i can actually C ya

But i see how i feel

i feel how i kill

these hearts with just one stare

I pick myself up with the smize of my clear

eye 👁 view

As i walk to the right path into love and out of hell

I see how much the cycles have affected me neglected me and kept me from being my true self.

But as i dive into the deep waters of self love

I see myself hugged up with no other but God above.

@nocturnalxo CKC

Categories
blog post fiction nocturnalxo poetry

Libre

Im only 21 but i feel so old

Like i been around here before

When i put the phone down im more aware

When i put the ganja down my memories fleeting back like air and it feels so como se dice libre

pero ya yo veo para mi y mi familia

Me doi el poder y temblor de jesus christo

Amen.

-@CKC

https://music.apple.com/us/album/real-feat-anna-wise/1440818890?i=1440819134

Categories
blog post nocturnalxo poetry

Just Cant Get Enough

Sis is a poet, it feel good don’t it

My self esteem went down

Logically i can think why cant I count?

looking all around me i see ive been done a disservice

By not following through I made this worsen

Now I embrace who i truly am

Family oriented with a Golden plan

Breathe in, breathe out

We all have our own crowns

-CKC

Categories
blog post nocturnalxo poetry

Earfquake

Im only 21 but i feel so old

Like i been around here before

When i put the phone down im more aware

When i put the ganja down my memories come fleeting back like bel-air

and it feels so como se dice libre

pero ya yo veo para mi y mi familia

Me das el poder y temblor de jesus christo

But still i stand as i look back and reminisce at a better man.

Amen.

-CKC

Shook ones – mobb deep

Categories
blog post fiction nocturnalxo poetry

Rose In The BirthPlace.

Why yall hating on me X4

I do not believe, i just feel some things

Why ya hatin on me?

I heard you say somethings, face expressions talk more than things

Its crazy so lazy all you had to say was my baby i miss you but i cant deal with you

I would have understood

I dont think that im too good

No no not me

Why dont you believe

Sincere in my way i dont do it for cake

I do it for me

For my self esteem

Cant bottle this up no more and no its not in stores

But yo i cant take this sadness

Yo i gotta leave it in the past

And then ill see

The gift that God gave me.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
blog post fiction nocturnalxo poetry

Venom.

thats really just crazy

How did i not know lately x2

no more free promo cus i see inside your soul

Then i c you no more

So i just chill up in the hills

Up in the sky

But no drugs on my mind

Just life

Hurts but you, gotta fight

Trying to piece it all together

And yet i fall again like a feather

Except i pick myself up

You think you see my colors, i’ll show you the vivid picture

Of my tears turning to laughter witcha.

Venom.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
blog post fiction nocturnalxo poetry Uncategorized

Labels

They gon label it this

They gon label it that

They gon label it everything but facts

Ima tell you what it is also tell you what it aint

The truth is none of you know my fate.

Projections of who you think i am

Very cute but im not a fan

Easiest way to get blocked

If you didnt know, i dont stop.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
blog post nocturnalxo

Writers Block

My name is Karina (or Claudia, whatever. i don’t even care anymore) and i have major writers block.

I guess it started right after i posted that last story that i wrote. I kind of knew i wasn’t going to post a part 2 anytime soon even though i really wanted to, it just took me so long to even post part 1 so i knew it was over for part 2. xD (yes i will use emoticons, i feel like it adds personality and an old time blog feel.) so here i am trying to grasp any kind of poetry that comes to me (my notes app look like a disaster.)

I said i was going to focus on stories and blogs, but because of the writers block I basically ignored both. *face palm* this part of the entry is basically just me saying that these blog posts do a lot for me then they will probably ever do for you guys so let me get my Jenna Hamilton on and write. (MTV tv show awkward reference, Hi 5 if you got it.)

So yeah now to get to the actual content of the blog post, i have got to blog these feelings out because its heavy! As many of my past blog posts have mentioned, i lost 2 VIP family member’s who i lived with less than 5 months ago. Something i realized 4 months later is i do not know how to grieve. I literally fell back into my worst habits and have not started the healing process. (So ironic because my first blog posts was basically my homework for how i can handle when life goes downhill but i wont beat myself up over it)

When i was younger i would cry about everything, everything! Now, i barely cry. I have to watch old videos and really think hard to cry about my grandma. Not because I’m not sad or i don’t miss her but its because i literally try my hardest to not think about the death for too long. I have noticed though my little 4 month emotionless run is done. Back to being a cry baby which I’m grateful for because tears heal.

I felt like since December i just ignored the hurt and pain. My life wasn’t going too bad, excluding the deaths, so afterwards i just focused on the things i did have like the people in my life and the wealth I accumulated and it worked! I wasn’t too sad and felt like things were going to be okay until i didn’t have those things either. I realized i wasn’t healing. i wasn’t addressing the actual pain, i was just distracting myself. Now my grandma stays in my dreams and every morning i wake up with this pain in my chest. but the first step is feeling it. Something i have tried my hardest to not do for the past couple of months.

I write all this to say that when things go wrong in life many people run to things like substances or other people or material possessions and while that may soothe the pain it doesn’t heal. Just a bandaid put on top of the wound. I feel like i might have touched on this before but it doesn’t hurt to reinstate the facts of the matter.

I feel like a broken record with the hurt and pain of my grandma but one thing about me is I’m going to express myself. Like right now im going through a little heartbreak and im hoping i can get some fire poetry but for some reason the heart break gave me 2 poems and then dipped! Like the writers block said haha yea right! Ima let this writers block pass though and im giving you guys relationship heartbreak kinda content when the curse is lifted. Hope you guys are still down :p

Peace ☮️