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blog post grief nocturnalxo Uncategorized

My Month Of May

My month of May was very interesting to say the least, past Trauma was highlighted. The month of May was me facing my own demons. I saw the fruits of my creative labor try and manifest and I saw my anxiety and depression hold me back in ways i could never imagine. I took accountability for the losses that could have been avoided if i had just been less one track minded.

A feeling of Anger and Resentment came up as i saw myself self sabotage my dreams with timidness. A feeling of forgiveness shined on my soul as i let all my shame go and was able to look in the mirror and not dislike who i saw. Self love is my main aim. Lauryn hill once said “How you gon win when you ain’t right within?” Truest thing i ever heard, made the self reflection more intense.

I realized i was letting a crappy mindset control my life after the traumatic year of 2020. With a website of self reflection comes a life of self reflection. My birthday is coming up soon and i will be 22, i realized i was on a weird path that did not reflect my hopes and dreams. What i realized most was it was me vs myself. The blame game is a game we all like to play and sometimes misplaced hate makes our own hearts turn cold. That’s exactly what happened with me.

My main goal last month was to cut off all the toxic connections that i had, i realized so many toxic people were half in, half out. I don’t believe in burning bridges but i do believe in knowing your worth and moving accordingly. I realized my best friend is and will always be GOD. All the past lessons that i did not take heed to came back to bite me in the ass but in a magical kind of way. I learned so much about myself, For that i’m grateful.

Being vulnerable online is super easy but being vulnerable in the public is when my Shell comes out.

My depression made my mindset cloudy and fogged up, Grief is not a laughing matter and the way i had to face grief was harsh but Lovely at the end. This vacation has made me realize that the sky is the limit, with a good mindset comes good vibrations. This made me realized that my grandmother would want me to go after my dreams. Made me understand that while yes, caring for others is an objective, caring for yourself is the real way to ‘happyness’.

The movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” has been on my mind heavy because if i continued on the same path of addiction to the material world, i know personally i would have fell through the cracks. I pride myself in being imperfect but my main intention now is to keep my peace of mind. Like Bob Marley said, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

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grief nocturnalxo poetry Uncategorized

Letter To Myself.

Might seem little but she knows what to do

Kinda like she been here before and it feels kind of rude…

I watched her grow up and i see how she’s suppressed

I just wanted you all to know im her very best friend.

Found that within didnt have to search

I guess it really me myself and i but also the hearse. – Claudia Karina

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blog post fiction nocturnalxo poetry Uncategorized

Labels

They gon label it this

They gon label it that

They gon label it everything but facts

Ima tell you what it is also tell you what it aint

The truth is none of you know my fate.

Projections of who you think i am

Very cute but im not a fan

Easiest way to get blocked

If you didnt know, i dont stop.

@nocturnalxo

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fiction nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Dysfunctional Part 1/2

DISCLAIMER: 100% fiction! all from my imagination not even realistic fiction just fiction! enjoy.

The room felt tense, silence making the most sound as the results await. Layla took a glance at Richard who’s face had already started to drop. Richard kept pacing up and down the hallways just waiting for the doctor to come out and rip the band-aid. She quickly got up to console him and reassure him that the call would be positive and everything would be fine. As if somehow, her wishful thinking would give her the right to promise such promises.

I stood at the corner of the room, watching the whole room. A part of me felt the dread coming from the silence that awaited me and my cousins.

“So, who is going to call Aunt Elainne and let her know what is going on with her son? Because i really am assuming one of you guys snuck off to the bathroom and had the common sense to do it.” My cousin Stephens irritated voice echoed the private waiting room we were put in. We all just exchange looks while Anna rolls her eyes

“You sound so dumb right now because you know damn well you can pick that phone up and make that call since you are the one wh-” before Anna can finish her thought, Stephen cuts her off arguing with words that just drowned out from everyone now arguing.

“Enough!” My voice creaks and i let out a grimace. “I cannot believe even in a moment like this you guys find ways to try and tear each other down.” Nobody is making eye contact and the energy is intense.

Family is really hard to deal with sometimes and i sure know a lot about that. Tonight was supposed to be us going out and having a good time, Tonight we all agreed to trying. I’m not sure how to tell you all how we got here but here we are.

We all meet at Discos Bar, we all have a good time. Reconnecting and actually getting a long, rare for us! Maybe this family is cursed though because the peace didn’t last for long. The type of family we grew up with back home in Oklahoma were tough. When it comes to love languages let’s just say they didn’t know how to apply any. Made some of us rough around the edges and the ones who didn’t toughen up are more on the out of touch side of trauma. Stephen, he’s one of the tough ones, not hard to imagine that Anna is as well.

Then there is Layla and Ricky, Layla is like me who has a fathers side who cares and isn’t as fucked up as my mothers side but Ricky? Well, Ricky has a few loose screws. I don’t know much personally but i heard he’s been through the worst between all of us cousins. The Black Sheep of the family, as you will.

Me? I’m a mix of both. Rough around the edges and someone who also has issues. Sometimes i think that everyone has issues and while that maybe true to a certain extent, i’m convinced with the more people i meet that i just say that to make myself feel better. The type of issues we have must be more than any other family as a collective because boy are we messed up.

It all started when Layla drank her 6th shot.

“Let’s go to the bathroom.” Layla gets up and takes my arm. I have 3 shots in so far and i already see her stumbling, that’s because she drank too fast. When we got to the bathroom she looked at me and started laughing.

“What is so funny!” I ask with a grin on my face but the grin turns into a complete 180, before i know it Layla starts sobbing. So much going through my mind, first thing i will admit i wondered was if she took me into the bathroom to cry; then i wondered why she was crying. “Are you okay?” I ask kinda freezing up. Me and Layla aren’t really close even though we are family.

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2020

Let me start my first personal blog post by telling you how rough 2020 has been for me just like how it has been for many people all over the world. I’ve dealt with losing my job, losing friends and losing a very importantly family member. It’s sad to know that i’m not the only one who has had a very garbage year but now what? For so long i would dwell on where shit went left in my life. For so long i would throw myself pity parties instead of trying to solve the problem and for so long it worked. It worked because i would live in comfortable sadness. I was just surviving. Don’t get me wrong, its okay and you should cry, it’s okay and you should grieve, it’s okay and you should feel things out. It’s when you are comfortable in not feeling content when you should get up and get right.

Everyone knows that life has its ups and downs, everyone knows that life is not easy, even for the people who seem to have it all but what people may know but may not know how to apply is how to pick yourself up when you are feeling down. I’d be lying if i told you i was a pro at it, there are days where i still sulk and have trouble picking myself up. Something that i feel is key to feeling better and the first step is to be kind to yourself. We grow up wanting to achieve so much in our 20s then we get to our 20s and reality hits. It might happen to some but the majority of us will not be where we wanna be from 20 to 29, that’s just life.

What i learned from this hard year was to take things one day at a time, implement good habits because my bad habits were slowly but surely eating away at my mental health. It takes 21 days to build a habit and new years is coming up so why don’t we all look at the things that are hurting us more then helping us. Whether its an unhealthy addiction, bad sleeping habits and not taking our dreams seriously. Trust me when i tell you i’m speaking to myself more than i am to anyone else. Life doesn’t start getting better till you get better. When life hits you with things you can’t control that hurts like losing people or livelihoods, keep scheming! How can you turn your bad situation into a good one? How can you pick yourself up when you are feeling down? Take things one day at a time and Be Kind to yourselves and others.

@nocturnalxo

“Be kind to your body, gentle with your mind and patient with your heart. Stay true to your spirit, cherish your soul and never doubt yourself. You are still becoming, my love, and there is no one more deserving of the nurturing grace of your love.”
― Becca Lee

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Changing The Tone Of My Website

Hey everyone, so for the past year i’ve just been blogging my poetry and i still want to every now and then but i also want to focus more on actual blog posts and short stories. Short stories so that i can work on and eventually perfect my fiction writing craft. So just giving you all an update, i plan on publishing a poetry book soon so look out for that. Thank you all for supporting this regular degular imperfect shorty from the bronx. One love. ❤

-nocturnalxo 😉

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Emma

I see the morning sky and i think of you at times when im lonely and to myself

Memories come to my mind since it hasn’t been much time since you left to paradise

And i cry because i miss you but also because i wish i was with you

And ill be mourning forever because the house has bad weather since you’ve been gone

Silent storms take on new forms to further try to numb my emotions

But no matter how much i cope in ways that should leave me numb im still always back to square one

I dont know what else to say that hasn’t already been said

I miss you and i wish i could see you again

@nocturnalxo

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New instagram for my writing!

Hello everyone who cares ❤️ i just want to promote my new business instagram for my poetry/writing. Since i mentioned this site will not be up for much longer i have made a new instagram dedicated to my craft. My personal one is of course @nocturnalxo and you are free to keep up with me on there but my writing instagram is @nocturnalreflection ! feel free to follow and support, thank you for the words of encouragement I have received over the past 10 months! It means the world to me! God bless ❤

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This Too Shall Pass

Put a brave face on

And act like you’re strong

Even though your lungs would rather scream a song

That conveys all the emotions that sway

And that leaves you feeling disarrayed

Pray that there in fact will be better days

And all this stress will soon wash away

And once be a memory of the time when you were destined to be uncomfortable

So you could mold and grow into the flower that was meant to bloom

This too shall pass.

@nocturnalxo

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Like A Drug

You’re like a drug

Graceful like a dove

Grateful for your love

Addictive to the T

But still you’re good for me

Dont know if it will last

And even if it doesn’t its nice to just bask

In the feeling of us

I hope its not just lust

To let things flow is hard for me

Yet you make it so easy to just be

You’re like a drug

Except it feels like a healthy nug

A breath of fresh air

A light that shines in my despair

You just happen to be so rare.

@nocturnalxo