My Month Of June

I went from posting every few days to monthly, which is quite alright with me since i was posting all my creative works so frequently for free at that :’) but hey! I just wanted to update my readers on my month of June and also let you all know about my newest interest which is streaming on twitch and youtube. At the end i will link to both and maybe you guys can check me out! I plan on actually reciting the poetry i did write on there as well as other kind of videos so i think the audience i gained here might like it.

Honestly June was a blur, the most memorable thing is that i got out of my anti social bag and i am slowly starting to become me again. Which is nice, i spent most of june trying to help out in cleaning since my apartment has been plagued with renovations that the super starts but never finishes which left the crib a mess and you know what they say, when your space is messy… you’re mind is messy. I stopped smoking weed, i dont know if i wrote that in my last blog post but i actually really have been fine and have no interest in it. Not to shame anyone who does it, just not for me. I gained a lot of the confidence that i lost and am actually seriously considering going back to school and going forward with my life. I let my trauma really hold me down and the disappointments of romantic affairs keep me in this stagnant space and i had to snap out of it and fix my priorities. Im back in the gym and my self esteem is growing to where it should be.

So although life is not exactly where i thought it would be when i was a teenager, i learned in order for me to be happy i need to loosen the grip and pressure i have on myself. Live in the present and be grateful for every second. 2020 taught me that every day is truly a gift. We lost so many lives, we are blessed to still be alive. i may proclaim to be a master piece (word to Jazmine Sullivan) but i’m still a work in progress and everyday i compete with who i used to be so that i can continue to grow and become better. So thats why i decided to truly believe in myself and put myself out there more. I will never expect to be an overnight sensation, good things take time! Im almost at 5k viewers overall on this site and although that may not be much for others its more than enough for me. Especially since this is my very unofficial blog. I thank every single person who keeps up with it whether i know you or not, to know that someone cares and likes my writing whether its creative or just my blogs it really does mean the world. Okay now i’m going to drop my links to youtube and Twitch and maybe you guys can follow/ subscribe! Thank you again for keeping up with me.

@nocturnalxo

https://youtube.com/channel/UC9QSeOKt722hKo9Lmh2nXsQ

https://www.twitch.tv/nocturnalsims

Mona Lisa

Hey mona lisa you look like frida

I dont really know if i can actually C ya

But i see how i feel

i feel how i kill

these hearts with just one stare

I pick myself up with the smize of my clear

eye 👁 view

As i walk to the right path into love and out of hell

I see how much the cycles have affected me neglected me and kept me from being my true self.

But as i dive into the deep waters of self love

I see myself hugged up with no other but God above.

–@nocturnalxo CKC

Rose In The BirthPlace.

Why yall hating on me X4

I do not believe, i just feel some things

Why ya hatin on me?

I heard you say somethings, face expressions talk more than things

Its crazy so lazy all you had to say was my baby i miss you but i cant deal with you

I would have understood

I dont think that im too good

No no not me

Why dont you believe

Sincere in my way i dont do it for cake

I do it for me

For my self esteem

Cant bottle this up no more and no its not in stores

But yo i cant take this sadness

Yo i gotta leave it in the past

And then ill see

The gift that God gave me.

–@nocturnalxo

Venom.

thats really just crazy

How did i not know lately x2

no more free promo cus i see inside your soul

Then i c you no more

So i just chill up in the hills

Up in the sky

But no drugs on my mind

Just life

Hurts but you, gotta fight

Trying to piece it all together

And yet i fall again like a feather

Except i pick myself up

You think you see my colors, i’ll show you the vivid picture

Of my tears turning to laughter witcha.

Venom.

@nocturnalxo

Labels

They gon label it this

They gon label it that

They gon label it everything but facts

Ima tell you what it is also tell you what it aint

The truth is none of you know my fate.

Projections of who you think i am

Very cute but im not a fan

Easiest way to get blocked

If you didnt know, i dont stop.

–@nocturnalxo

Fragile

i come in peace

With good intentions as the masterpiece i am

I come with an abundance of love

Ready to pour into your cup

But dont hurt me, im fragile

And dont play me cus i just cant handle

When things arent what they seem

Im a what you see is what you get type

So when things become a mirage

And when the hate has now camouflaged

My fragility turns into strength

Because i take that pain and i go on to paint it into these words

And thats where my fragility becomes my biggest asset. My greatest strength.

My ability to fix myself up after every fall

Every broken piece, i lost them all

And still i am.

–@nocturnalxo

Heartbreak Hotel

They say things get better with time

But ima sip on this wine till it gets better in my mind

They say things get better when you work

But i just wanna lay in bed all day like clockwork

Heartbreak hotel

The desk clerk knows me so well

Heartbreak hotel

It feels like someone casted a spell

A spell that keeps me locked in this hotel

The way my heart is in critical condition

may sound dramatic but there were barely any intermissions

from abuse to betrayal to death

These last 5 years have put me to the test

But i see an opening of strength

Where i take my power back and go the length

My past doesn’t determine my future

so i’m learning as i go

And this hotel isn’t the way to go

So this is my last stay

Starting today the focus is on me

Because thats how it should be

And i wont have any more stays as long as i stay true to the one person who’s never broken my heart

–@nocturnalxo

Deranged

Feeling like i need you to save me

Hanging on the edge, im feeling so crazy

Deranged deranged deranged

Its strange the way it rains

Once things don’t go your way

Wont stop till it has changed

In ways i can’t explain

Maybe one day things will get better

Look outside, theres such great weather

Maybe one day my mindset will switch

And realize all the beauty inside of this

World so full of chances

World we often take for granted

Deranged deranged deranged

Its strange the way it rains

I try my best to switch lanes

And look at the brighter side of things

–@nocturnalxo

(W)hole

I don’t know what i can say to make the pain go away

I dont know how i can act that will distract me from the fact

That since you’ve been gone its hard to move on

Since you have left the after effects is eating me to death

I try to hold it in and put on a brave face

But i live with the reminder that one day you were here and the next day you disappeared

One day you held me tight now i have to visualize you in order to be alright

When you left, a hole from the ceiling came

It still hasn’t been fixed.

I like to look at that as a metaphor for the hole in my heart that i just ignore

The feeling that, it will take me so long in order to feel whole again

Makes me sicker everyday as the mold begins to accumulate and enter my lungs slowly helping me wither away

Mentally and emotionally i can say your death has done the same.

–@nocturnalxo

Still Grieving

It’s been kind of hard for me to follow through with my creations, if I can be transparent. I have this story I’ve been writing and I don’t really have the motivation to pull through. I know I will get it done but I’m the type of person that I can be hard on myself, so when I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing or what I think I’m supposed to be doing it becomes me vs me.

Since my grandmother died a month ago, I’ve been distracting myself and trying to help people around me heal but when I’m faced with myself, I have all these emotions I’ve just been ignoring, just bottling up ready for an eruption. Grieving has been extra difficult because my focus for the past month has been on my mother and not on me and to be truthful I feel like my emotions haven’t been nurtured at all. I haven’t been selfish enough. Which might sound funny but at a certain point if you are hurting as well there’s nothing wrong with focusing on yourself and making yourself the top priority. In fact that’s how it should be in the first place but I’m the type of person who thinks of another persons feelings and then my own and that is so toxic.

Even if nobody cares or reads this. even if I get nothing out of my blog. My emotions, my mental health, me…I gets some sort of relief. I can play the sims for so long and listen to happy music that I don’t feel at the moment for so long until my true emotions catch up to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about the importance of friends. When my grandma died I didn’t really have anyone to cry too at the funeral besides family and I didn’t really want to cry with my family because even though they genuinely felt my pain I didn’t want to add on to theirs, crazy right? Doesn’t even make sense now that I reflect. But yeah I saw all my cousins friends and even my brothers friends and I felt like I didn’t have anyone who went out of their way to comfort me. Which I understand is because of corona but also because I do not get close to people anymore, I do not let people too close to me. Also haven’t been the best judger of character on who deserves to be my friend and who doesn’t but that’s something I am working on. Cutting off half ass friends is something I have been trying to accomplish.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of friends reach out to me via text giving me the opportunity to confide but I never took up those kinds of offers because we all know that things are different over text. It wasn’t until I hung out with my friend the other day that I actually broke down. That’s when I realized I’ve created this emotional block within myself where I don’t allow myself to feel things, I just suppress things. I realized I do that with anything that I find traumatic. I see now that the only way I can help myself is to talk about things instead of keeping it in, in fear of judgement or being looked at differently. It truly does not matter.

I’ve always had loner tendencies, the whole I’m better off alone mindset because my personality is not for everybody. So yeah maybe personally I’m better off with less people than more but I’m not better off alone. I believe nobody is, no matter what others say to make themselves feel better.

I read back my first blog and thought to myself, wow well you didn’t expect another death at all huh? I thought to myself, how can I help myself and take my own advice when I had two deaths in my family hit me back to back. I realized that I’m not taking my own advice. I give some great advice to others but when the time comes I fumble. I’m glad I’m seeing this behavior at 21 because just by writing this blog post I feel like this is helping me heal. Writing.

All this to say that my first personal blog really does help me remember that I have to keep trying to be my best self while also taking it easy with myself. It’s no longer 2020 but at the end of the day, the lingering effects of 2020 remain. Especially since I lost such a V.ery I.mportant P.erson in my life at the end of 2020. To think that other people are also going through such devastation does not help me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me want to go down a rabbit hole of pessimistic ideas of how things could have and should have been different. So I say that to say, activities that keep my mind off my pain help me cope, but it does not help me heal. I think that can be applied to anything from trying to look at the bright side/ bad side to over indulging completely on things like social media or TV Shows/Movies. Nothing wrong with it but really do see the difference between coping and healing. I’m going to try and be strong for myself and I hope anyone who is reading this who is having a hard time does the same, peace. –@nocturnalxo