Hey mona lisa you look like frida
I dont really know if i can actually C ya
But i see how i feel
i feel how i kill
these hearts with just one stare
I pick myself up with the smize of my clear
eye 👁 view
As i walk to the right path into love and out of hell
I see how much the cycles have affected me neglected me and kept me from being my true self.
But as i dive into the deep waters of self love
I see myself hugged up with no other but God above.
–@nocturnalxo CKC
Why yall hating on me X4
I do not believe, i just feel some things
Why ya hatin on me?
I heard you say somethings, face expressions talk more than things
Its crazy so lazy all you had to say was my baby i miss you but i cant deal with you
I would have understood
I dont think that im too good
No no not me
Why dont you believe
Sincere in my way i dont do it for cake
I do it for me
For my self esteem
Cant bottle this up no more and no its not in stores
But yo i cant take this sadness
Yo i gotta leave it in the past
And then ill see
The gift that God gave me.
thats really just crazy
How did i not know lately x2
no more free promo cus i see inside your soul
Then i c you no more
So i just chill up in the hills
Up in the sky
But no drugs on my mind
Just life
Hurts but you, gotta fight
Trying to piece it all together
And yet i fall again like a feather
Except i pick myself up
You think you see my colors, i’ll show you the vivid picture
Of my tears turning to laughter witcha.
Venom.
They gon label it this
They gon label it that
They gon label it everything but facts
Ima tell you what it is also tell you what it aint
The truth is none of you know my fate.
Projections of who you think i am
Very cute but im not a fan
Easiest way to get blocked
If you didnt know, i dont stop.
i come in peace
With good intentions as the masterpiece i am
I come with an abundance of love
Ready to pour into your cup
But dont hurt me, im fragile
And dont play me cus i just cant handle
When things arent what they seem
Im a what you see is what you get type
So when things become a mirage
And when the hate has now camouflaged
My fragility turns into strength
Because i take that pain and i go on to paint it into these words
And thats where my fragility becomes my biggest asset. My greatest strength.
My ability to fix myself up after every fall
Every broken piece, i lost them all
And still i am.
They say things get better with time
But ima sip on this wine till it gets better in my mind
They say things get better when you work
But i just wanna lay in bed all day like clockwork
Heartbreak hotel
The desk clerk knows me so well
Heartbreak hotel
It feels like someone casted a spell
A spell that keeps me locked in this hotel
The way my heart is in critical condition
may sound dramatic but there were barely any intermissions
from abuse to betrayal to death
These last 5 years have put me to the test
But i see an opening of strength
Where i take my power back and go the length
My past doesn’t determine my future
so i’m learning as i go
And this hotel isn’t the way to go
So this is my last stay
Starting today the focus is on me
Because thats how it should be
And i wont have any more stays as long as i stay true to the one person who’s never broken my heart
Feeling like i need you to save me
Hanging on the edge, im feeling so crazy
Deranged deranged deranged
Its strange the way it rains
Once things don’t go your way
Wont stop till it has changed
In ways i can’t explain
Maybe one day things will get better
Look outside, theres such great weather
Maybe one day my mindset will switch
And realize all the beauty inside of this
World so full of chances
World we often take for granted
Deranged deranged deranged
Its strange the way it rains
I try my best to switch lanes
And look at the brighter side of things
I don’t know what i can say to make the pain go away
I dont know how i can act that will distract me from the fact
That since you’ve been gone its hard to move on
Since you have left the after effects is eating me to death
I try to hold it in and put on a brave face
But i live with the reminder that one day you were here and the next day you disappeared
One day you held me tight now i have to visualize you in order to be alright
When you left, a hole from the ceiling came
It still hasn’t been fixed.
I like to look at that as a metaphor for the hole in my heart that i just ignore
The feeling that, it will take me so long in order to feel whole again
Makes me sicker everyday as the mold begins to accumulate and enter my lungs slowly helping me wither away
Mentally and emotionally i can say your death has done the same.
It’s been kind of hard for me to follow through with my creations, if I can be transparent. I have this story I’ve been writing and I don’t really have the motivation to pull through. I know I will get it done but I’m the type of person that I can be hard on myself, so when I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing or what I think I’m supposed to be doing it becomes me vs me.
Since my grandmother died a month ago, I’ve been distracting myself and trying to help people around me heal but when I’m faced with myself, I have all these emotions I’ve just been ignoring, just bottling up ready for an eruption. Grieving has been extra difficult because my focus for the past month has been on my mother and not on me and to be truthful I feel like my emotions haven’t been nurtured at all. I haven’t been selfish enough. Which might sound funny but at a certain point if you are hurting as well there’s nothing wrong with focusing on yourself and making yourself the top priority. In fact that’s how it should be in the first place but I’m the type of person who thinks of another persons feelings and then my own and that is so toxic.
Even if nobody cares or reads this. even if I get nothing out of my blog. My emotions, my mental health, me…I gets some sort of relief. I can play the sims for so long and listen to happy music that I don’t feel at the moment for so long until my true emotions catch up to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about the importance of friends. When my grandma died I didn’t really have anyone to cry too at the funeral besides family and I didn’t really want to cry with my family because even though they genuinely felt my pain I didn’t want to add on to theirs, crazy right? Doesn’t even make sense now that I reflect. But yeah I saw all my cousins friends and even my brothers friends and I felt like I didn’t have anyone who went out of their way to comfort me. Which I understand is because of corona but also because I do not get close to people anymore, I do not let people too close to me. Also haven’t been the best judger of character on who deserves to be my friend and who doesn’t but that’s something I am working on. Cutting off half ass friends is something I have been trying to accomplish.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of friends reach out to me via text giving me the opportunity to confide but I never took up those kinds of offers because we all know that things are different over text. It wasn’t until I hung out with my friend the other day that I actually broke down. That’s when I realized I’ve created this emotional block within myself where I don’t allow myself to feel things, I just suppress things. I realized I do that with anything that I find traumatic. I see now that the only way I can help myself is to talk about things instead of keeping it in, in fear of judgement or being looked at differently. It truly does not matter.
I’ve always had loner tendencies, the whole I’m better off alone mindset because my personality is not for everybody. So yeah maybe personally I’m better off with less people than more but I’m not better off alone. I believe nobody is, no matter what others say to make themselves feel better.
I read back my first blog and thought to myself, wow well you didn’t expect another death at all huh? I thought to myself, how can I help myself and take my own advice when I had two deaths in my family hit me back to back. I realized that I’m not taking my own advice. I give some great advice to others but when the time comes I fumble. I’m glad I’m seeing this behavior at 21 because just by writing this blog post I feel like this is helping me heal. Writing.
All this to say that my first personal blog really does help me remember that I have to keep trying to be my best self while also taking it easy with myself. It’s no longer 2020 but at the end of the day, the lingering effects of 2020 remain. Especially since I lost such a V.ery I.mportant P.erson in my life at the end of 2020. To think that other people are also going through such devastation does not help me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me want to go down a rabbit hole of pessimistic ideas of how things could have and should have been different. So I say that to say, activities that keep my mind off my pain help me cope, but it does not help me heal. I think that can be applied to anything from trying to look at the bright side/ bad side to over indulging completely on things like social media or TV Shows/Movies. Nothing wrong with it but really do see the difference between coping and healing. I’m going to try and be strong for myself and I hope anyone who is reading this who is having a hard time does the same, peace. –@nocturnalxo
my second mother
my right when I’m wrong
my good conscious because yours was so strong
so much of me i got from you
because you were just another mother to me too
Raising me like you raised your own
because that was just you
That motherly feeling ran in your bones
i lived with you since i was 5 years old
and wow i saw why every one loves your soul
Kind, considerate, and just plain ole good
the best role model cus we all wish we could
Live up to who you were and who you still are
Because energy never dies and you’ve been a star
I remember exactly how i felt when it sunk in
That you were really my grandma
you were really my kin
The feeling of pride, i cannot deny because
i felt so lucky to be growing up with someone like you by my side
A perfect example of how it doesn’t matter what you do career wise
but how you treat people makes the difference when it’s time to say goodbye
Because we are all just so sad
Even though it was 93 years,
thats the touch you had
Im not sure if you knew just how much i loved you
but i wont be sad anymore i’ll do that for you
I’ll do it for us
just know you can trust.
I won’t let you down
Here and then when i think of you i might wear a frown
Only because i miss you and i wish we had more time
i wish you could have heard me rhyme
But that’s alright and its okay
Im sorry for the days i didn’t obey
The presence might seem gone but i know
life is more then what meets the eyes
you probably sitting in the back of this place
With a smile on your face and the crown worn sideways
Cus you was cool like that
Thats how i will remember you
As a Mother Theresa type of cool cat
So rest now because this earth was never your home
too pure to be in this kind of zone
Ill never stop missing you, that is for sure
but i know you’ll never be too far away as long as we are here
And i thank you for being our new angel
Ill try my best to bear
