Maybe I know too much
Maybe I know too little
But what I really know is that this time was meant to grow like I’m on a riddle
Not working for the people who represent hate
Because I just really can not relate
Keep looking I’ll send it right back to you
Do you really wanna get this started boo?
Your eyes they never lie do they
I’ve seen you crying
I’ve been hearing it loud for 2 days
I wanna understand I want to see who’s behind that mask
I wanna see but maybe it is meant to be free
For open interpretation
We grasping for hope because this life looks so fake and
I wanna complain I really do but I think I found the real you
Bleeding Heart
My heart bleeds for the love that I know is unrequited
It’s crazy to feel but fuck it I am ignited
To let go of what I cannot control is my mission
Because if I don’t I start to lose my vision
To remember is something I hope never leaves
I want to remember what it feels like to breathe
To let you go it might seem very selfish
But I had to do it for me
It’s apart of my lesson
Never lose hope
It may seem cloudy right now but dont grab that rope
For life has beauties that we need to experience
It’s not filled with pain
Just many experience
Can be heavy but still we must maintain
For there is always a rainbow after that rain
They say, there’s no rest for the Wicked
But is it Wickedness or Weakness ?
Word to K.Dot I’m tryna embody his uniqueness
With a splash of me in between
A Conscious Devoted Poetic Queen.
Who struggles just like you and me
I don’t got the answers Im not Sway Calloway or anyone in between
But what I will say is that I do pray that my Homicidal Toxicity
Soon lifts up out and turns to grey
My spirit wants to sleep but the insomnia wants to shout
My soul wants to leap but the weed wants to pout
I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Overactive mind but I wanna tweet
Something deep inside needs to switch sides
Because I’m over it, I’m on Summer Walkers line
Lord knows I need some peace of mind, this shit really ain’t it
Shout out to Lauryn Hill that woman is a dime
But back to the point I need to slow down my membrane
I’d be damned if Once again I’m back with the insanes
Lord give me some guidance because I’m feeling lost
I don’t know what happened
If only they knew just how far the darkness seeps through
But I cover it up real nice
Fuck around put it on a bow tie it twice
It’s better off this way sometimes
I think Atleast, anyway
Regardless of it all Ima still be ok.
Side Note: The music I add at the end of my works usually embody the energy for it. Or the song inspired me so I’m giving it credit and showing luv ❤️
Sunshine is strictly my mission
To live every day with only one condition
To thank God for the fact that I woke up while other bodies weren’t in that position
To smile every day and train my mind to be grateful that I have risen
I say that because i don’t want to live in a pessimistic prison
Listen! Because the darkness is quick to devour
The darkness can sometimes easily over power
But yes while living in complete reality
As a realist is ideal
I will still try to keep the rose tinted glasses on
That’s how I feel
Because living in misery just feels wrong
Growing with positivity reigning on my soul positivity like the sun that encourages me to continue to grow
Yet still, there is pain and disappointments that can be felt every day
I know it’s a cliche, but that won’t stop me from saying
The sun rises after every long night
Be that sun that gets up after every moonlight
Your psyche determines a lot of things
Determines if you’ll forever see that bad or let freedom ring
Free your mind of the enslavement it can go through sometimes
Let it bring the fertilizer to reign in
Breathe that fresh air and feel that sun because this life ain’t too generous to some
It’s the little things that will continue to keep us going
So don’t stop now because your path is still unfolding
Live in the now
Think with the sun
And walk to the sky
Nothing is impossible in the life we live, so try
Love
It came so easily
But was it love or just lust that I accepted
Which was the frequency?
Never mind that because although the love you gave did end up pleasing me
Still
Something was missing, my usual carefree spirit was wheezing for air
As if you sucked it all out of me and left me without a care
As if I give and give and give
And I live to forgive then relive
But to see your highs while I stay low
A leech you are
Protected by your costume of snow
In the moment it’s bliss
When I look back I reminisce
On how I missed out on an equal give and take
Choosing someone who I knew would end up giving me heartache
All for something that felt good but when I wake up I see it was all fake
I see past the desire of feeling love
It’s all about you, it always was
The most beautiful boogeyman
Stuck on your looks and I really should have looked passed that
You were my favorite nightmare but for what?
It’s just a fact that it was all For a quick fuck and a trip to the land of unseen
I’ll tell you what
Tonight, I’ll see you again in my dreams
Growing up without a father left me feeling empty
Searching for things that would fill the void it left me
Searching for things that didn’t accurately align with my purpose
Things that set me back I wonder if it was all on purpose
If I was meant to have to learn from all these lessons
The stress this life gave me also came with many blessings
But when I look back i try to find exactly what made me
The trauma did it made me stronger
Strong to fight with bravery
Strong to fight so nothing on this earth can genuinely phase me
and when I look back, I used to want to be so perfect
Not knowing that the trauma made me grow so I can thirst this
thirst for a purpose that would make me feel so free,
desire for all of the knowledge I could gain in these crooked streetz
I didn’t have a father to teach me the full game
just a lot of family that wanted to and tried to help me gain
higher self-esteem to look at myself positively
let the feeling of it all being my fault go, so I could breathe
that empty feeling, I had to fix within my soul
I couldn’t understand it left me feeling like this life just continues to take tolls
like love was war and that I needed a man
like I could do nothing on my own, and I needed a helping hand
I went through many trials
trials and tribulations
I almost pressed the dial
I almost couldn’t face it
I didn’t understand why my life was such a hit and miss
but then something clicked it took a while, but I began to predict
had visions of a life that I could see
A life that was designed perfectly for you and me
A life where you won’t have to suffer and then die
A life where dreams come true and all I did was open my eyes
because this life cant really be such a grand chore
as long as you work for what you want, there will always be more
I realized that life is really what you make it
I learned after certain trips
that left me stranded in the Himalayas
I’m still not perfect but trust me when I tell you
I do stay growing cause this life will continue to test you
The alchemy of pain is the knowledge that I gained and how its flourishing
The passion that remains, build it up if the pain has left any stains
because something that is true is that we’re here for a short time so just do you
The walls around me were white
My soul felt trapped
airtight
Flashbacks of my first day
Did they really leave me here to stay?
I glanced to my left and then to my right
“You don’t belong here, you better fight”
Voices rang my eyes dropped as low as they can
I did belong, I just wasn’t well
Spirit on low, thoughts that you’ll never know
Visions of what my life could be
Was it true or was it all just a fantasy?
Misconceptions all day
I couldn’t believe I had let this get to my brain
I just wanted to escape but I knew this was my place for the time being
I wrote and wrote and wrote
Until my heart felt less broke
And once It did I looked in the mirror
Reflection looked extremely unfamiliar
Fore I was so used to the sadness
It’s almost as if I had lost all of my balance
But I knew deep down I was there
I just couldn’t see it, I barely cared
It took some time but I recovered
I didn’t lose anything I only uncovered
Deeper layers of myself
Journal writing was my help including God
All I did was write I took that pen as my fight
I’m better now than I was back then
Because I learned how to be my own bestfriend
How to love myself unconditionally
It’s a struggle still but I consistently
Try and try and try
That’s all we can do and sometimes I
Still slip up, I still fall down
As long as I pick myself up for the next time around
I will persevere as long as I stand my ground
As long as I don’t forget and I know my worth
No more tears and no more hurt.
PT . I
I can only blame myself
That’s what makes me wanna scream
I don’t regret a thing
But I wish I did things differently
I can only blame myself
I wanna forgive but the memories are still healing
where is my will to live?
Why the hell am I still grieving?
What you did was close to stealing
My sunny go lucky disposition
not only that but after it all i lost all ambition
Dealing with the pain of having a significant other
bite you with his fangs
The pang gave me mental illness
you gave me PTSD when you put your hands on me
I quickly went to blame myself I said
I can only blame me
And although time heals all wounds
the time has surely shown just how easily I can bruise
I still cannot believe that I was watering dead trees
trying so hard to resurrect so many dead things
I can only blame myself
I saw the bark withering away
And still, I decided to continue to give other pieces of me
I can only blame myself
For not knowing then what I know now
The answer was in front of my face so how
How did I not see how?
you were never meant for me
An illusion of what I wanted you to be
I can only blame myself
And although positivity is a virtue
When I look back I think of all the things I didn’t do
Not for us but for me
I can only blame myself for my current lack of self-esteem
PT. II
New-season different reasons
same old numbing pain
I no longer blame myself I know that’s a dangerous game to play
and yet here I am still heartbroken
do I ever learn? am I waiting and watching for my soul to burn?
internally because it seems to me
that I haven’t learned my lessons
so many blessings but disaster is always what I’m left with
Tears fill the echo of the room
It’s noisy and yet the focus is still on us two
Tears that I didn’t mean to drop
Tears that make my heart go nonstop
I try to look away but I still feel your gaze
Embarrassment rushes through my visible veins
I wish I could take that day away
Being vulnerable.
Don’t know if I’ll ever conquer it
My vulnerability makes me feel like
I’m on a never landing sky rocket
Who knew my feelings could run this deep especially after all that was done to me
I sure didn’t and now I can’t sleep
you weren’t the cause of my primary pain and yet I was still able to have you leave a stain
Living rent-free in my brain and it’s pitiful
I brought this energy into the new year and it’s critical
That I end this vicious cycle
Because I’m the one that’s hurting
The heart wants what it wants but I was still a burden
for using my emotions
I may not be right but I know I wasn’t chosen
which is fine I’ve been down this road before
maybe now I can see what I’m genuinely living for
PT. III
There’s more to life
I must move on I must do right
When will I change?
When will I rewrite
The cons of me feeling so incomplete
When will I feel full without someone else to a certain degree
I must be deranged
It all seems so strange
The dream I had was intense but I took it too far
Now I have to pick up my own pieces
A messy galore
Being independent is what I am
But sometimes I wish I could have a helping hand
Enough of that pity party I came in alone
So here I go doing the one thing I know
Being strong moving on
No longer holding on to all the sadness
suppressing things that had to be put into the blackness
into my void, contained all noise
Is it healthy? I don’t know but I do know I’ll get past this
Thank God for expression
I need to learn my lesson
So another sleepless night isn’t spent
If I’m lucky one day I will become my own best friend
Nocturnal Reflection 