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grief nocturnalxo

(W)hole

I don’t know what i can say to make the pain go away

I dont know how i can act that will distract me from the fact

That since you’ve been gone its hard to move on

Since you have left the after effects is eating me to death

I try to hold it in and put on a brave face

But i live with the reminder that one day you were here and the next day you disappeared

One day you held me tight now i have to visualize you in order to be alright

When you left, a hole from the ceiling came

It still hasn’t been fixed.

I like to look at that as a metaphor for the hole in my heart that i just ignore

The feeling that, it will take me so long in order to feel whole again

Makes me sicker everyday as the mold begins to accumulate and enter my lungs slowly helping me wither away

Mentally and emotionally i can say your death has done the same.

@nocturnalxo

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grief nocturnalxo

Still Grieving

It’s been kind of hard for me to follow through with my creations, if I can be transparent. I have this story I’ve been writing and I don’t really have the motivation to pull through. I know I will get it done but I’m the type of person that I can be hard on myself, so when I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing or what I think I’m supposed to be doing it becomes me vs me.

Since my grandmother died a month ago, I’ve been distracting myself and trying to help people around me heal but when I’m faced with myself, I have all these emotions I’ve just been ignoring, just bottling up ready for an eruption. Grieving has been extra difficult because my focus for the past month has been on my mother and not on me and to be truthful I feel like my emotions haven’t been nurtured at all. I haven’t been selfish enough. Which might sound funny but at a certain point if you are hurting as well there’s nothing wrong with focusing on yourself and making yourself the top priority. In fact that’s how it should be in the first place but I’m the type of person who thinks of another persons feelings and then my own and that is so toxic.

Even if nobody cares or reads this. even if I get nothing out of my blog. My emotions, my mental health, me…I gets some sort of relief. I can play the sims for so long and listen to happy music that I don’t feel at the moment for so long until my true emotions catch up to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about the importance of friends. When my grandma died I didn’t really have anyone to cry too at the funeral besides family and I didn’t really want to cry with my family because even though they genuinely felt my pain I didn’t want to add on to theirs, crazy right? Doesn’t even make sense now that I reflect. But yeah I saw all my cousins friends and even my brothers friends and I felt like I didn’t have anyone who went out of their way to comfort me. Which I understand is because of corona but also because I do not get close to people anymore, I do not let people too close to me. Also haven’t been the best judger of character on who deserves to be my friend and who doesn’t but that’s something I am working on. Cutting off half ass friends is something I have been trying to accomplish.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of friends reach out to me via text giving me the opportunity to confide but I never took up those kinds of offers because we all know that things are different over text. It wasn’t until I hung out with my friend the other day that I actually broke down. That’s when I realized I’ve created this emotional block within myself where I don’t allow myself to feel things, I just suppress things. I realized I do that with anything that I find traumatic. I see now that the only way I can help myself is to talk about things instead of keeping it in, in fear of judgement or being looked at differently. It truly does not matter.

I’ve always had loner tendencies, the whole I’m better off alone mindset because my personality is not for everybody. So yeah maybe personally I’m better off with less people than more but I’m not better off alone. I believe nobody is, no matter what others say to make themselves feel better.

I read back my first blog and thought to myself, wow well you didn’t expect another death at all huh? I thought to myself, how can I help myself and take my own advice when I had two deaths in my family hit me back to back. I realized that I’m not taking my own advice. I give some great advice to others but when the time comes I fumble. I’m glad I’m seeing this behavior at 21 because just by writing this blog post I feel like this is helping me heal. Writing.

All this to say that my first personal blog really does help me remember that I have to keep trying to be my best self while also taking it easy with myself. It’s no longer 2020 but at the end of the day, the lingering effects of 2020 remain. Especially since I lost such a V.ery I.mportant P.erson in my life at the end of 2020. To think that other people are also going through such devastation does not help me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me want to go down a rabbit hole of pessimistic ideas of how things could have and should have been different. So I say that to say, activities that keep my mind off my pain help me cope, but it does not help me heal. I think that can be applied to anything from trying to look at the bright side/ bad side to over indulging completely on things like social media or TV Shows/Movies. Nothing wrong with it but really do see the difference between coping and healing. I’m going to try and be strong for myself and I hope anyone who is reading this who is having a hard time does the same, peace. –@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Mama Patria

my second mother

my right when I’m wrong

my good conscious because yours was so strong

so much of me i got from you

because you were just another mother to me too

Raising me like you raised your own

because that was just you

That motherly feeling ran in your bones

i lived with you since i was 5 years old

and wow i saw why every one loves your soul

Kind, considerate, and just plain ole good

the best role model cus we all wish we could

Live up to who you were and who you still are

Because energy never dies and you’ve been a star

I remember exactly how i felt when it sunk in

That you were really my grandma

you were really my kin

The feeling of pride, i cannot deny because

i felt so lucky to be growing up with someone like you by my side

A perfect example of how it doesn’t matter what you do career wise

but how you treat people makes the difference when it’s time to say goodbye

Because we are all just so sad

Even though it was 93 years,

thats the touch you had

Im not sure if you knew just how much i loved you

but i wont be sad anymore i’ll do that for you

I’ll do it for us

just know you can trust.

I won’t let you down

Here and then when i think of you i might wear a frown

Only because i miss you and i wish we had more time

i wish you could have heard me rhyme

But that’s alright and its okay

Im sorry for the days i didn’t obey

The presence might seem gone but i know

life is more then what meets the eyes

you probably sitting in the back of this place

With a smile on your face and the crown worn sideways

Cus you was cool like that

Thats how i will remember you

As a Mother Theresa type of cool cat

So rest now because this earth was never your home

too pure to be in this kind of zone

Ill never stop missing you, that is for sure

but i know you’ll never be too far away as long as we are here

And i thank you for being our new angel

Ill try my best to bear

@nocturnalxo

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grief nocturnalxo

Memories

now i have just memories of you and me

only pieces of how we used to be

I miss you terribly

And the thought of never seeing you again

It’s fucking with my head

It’s fucking with my heart

Quite frankly its tearing me apart.

You were my rock,

You were my heart

I don’t remember what life was like when we were apart

I dont remember what it was like to not hear you speak or call out my name regularly

For the phone or the remote or even a glass of water

And now without your voice the house just sounds much quieter

I miss you deeply and wish this was all just a dream i wish you didn’t just become a memory because life with out you is harder than it seems

I wish i can see you and wake up from this nightmare but i know you wouldn’t want me to dwell and you would just want me to take care

Want me to cherish the memories that we shared and stay strong for family, try and help them bear.

@nocturnalxo

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grief nocturnalxo

Grief.

Damn 2020, That was way harsh.

I have to really just blog this one out because this year has really been the worst. Worse than the year my life got derailed which is saying a lot. Lets start with the fact that personally, i never actually grieved an immediate family member live before this year. When my grandfather died i was a toddler but still i grieved him when i was like 8 just because i wish he had more time and i wish i could have really got to know him. This year though, this year showed me what it was like to grieve someone live, and man does it hurt.

My Aunt fell from some stairs at the end of September, she was in a coma and then died at home. I had to watch her die slowly and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with personally. That’s where all the great aunt poetry stemmed from. Now, my Grandmother got infected with covid-19 and died from pneumonia today. Difficult situation to say the least, back to back shots, i wish i could turn back the clock! I wrote that in a poem but yeah i just wanted to write right now. I have poems im going to post because oddly enough when i got the news all this emo creativity came to me. All i know is that if i thought i was strong before, now i will really see if i’m strong.

My grandmother, mama patria was thee mother. She was all of my close friends extra grandmother and all of my mothers friends extra mother, she was just the shit. Funny with so much personality. Mischievous and loved sports. Her crossword puzzles in english, her knitting, hell even her calling my name all the time for the door or for the phone that is 2 feet away from her so i could get it for her. I miss that and i just wish i didn’t have to miss her.

This shit hurts man, to say the least and I know in my last post i was talking about, how can you flip a bad situation or how could you lift yourself up and change your perspective but man…easy to say/write harder to apply! I mentioned that in the last blog too but i do want to mention that me even writing this i guess is a push in the right/(write) 😉 direction. Im glad i switched my website up to an actual blog though not for nothing because damn, sometimes i want to express myself and talk to a void. Whether someone is reading this or not, this is therapeutic. And yes a journal is somewhat equivalent but for some reason this is much more cathartic. 😅 I mean maybe someone who is also dealing with grief will stumble upon this and relate, you never know.

Grief is so weird because i know that this is just the beginning. With my aunt it didn’t completely hit until a few weeks ago honestly and i feel this time wont be any different. I get it, the circle and cycle of life and all that but i really just wish i got a few more years.

Regardless though even though i am utterly heartbroken i’m lucky enough to have an outlet like writing. Still grieving and probably will be for a while but while i grieve at least i have this healthy coping mechanism. I will never forget my grandmother and really cant wait to see her again, this year has been hard. So heavy but somehow i’m going to hold my head and stay strong. 2020 broke me, no doubt and the good that came out of 2020 will never out weigh the bad, just too heavy.

You won 2020, i hope things only go up from here and somehow 2021 can be good to me and my family. This was rough, hold your loved ones extra close, our time on this earth is borrowed never guaranteed.

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nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Changing The Tone Of My Website

Hey everyone, so for the past year i’ve just been blogging my poetry and i still want to every now and then but i also want to focus more on actual blog posts and short stories. Short stories so that i can work on and eventually perfect my fiction writing craft. So just giving you all an update, i plan on publishing a poetry book soon so look out for that. Thank you all for supporting this regular degular imperfect shorty from the bronx. One love. ❤

-nocturnalxo 😉

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Emma

I see the morning sky and i think of you at times when im lonely and to myself

Memories come to my mind since it hasn’t been much time since you left to paradise

And i cry because i miss you but also because i wish i was with you

And ill be mourning forever because the house has bad weather since you’ve been gone

Silent storms take on new forms to further try to numb my emotions

But no matter how much i cope in ways that should leave me numb im still always back to square one

I dont know what else to say that hasn’t already been said

I miss you and i wish i could see you again

@nocturnalxo

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This Too Shall Pass

Put a brave face on

And act like you’re strong

Even though your lungs would rather scream a song

That conveys all the emotions that sway

And that leaves you feeling disarrayed

Pray that there in fact will be better days

And all this stress will soon wash away

And once be a memory of the time when you were destined to be uncomfortable

So you could mold and grow into the flower that was meant to bloom

This too shall pass.

@nocturnalxo

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Like A Drug

You’re like a drug

Graceful like a dove

Grateful for your love

Addictive to the T

But still you’re good for me

Dont know if it will last

And even if it doesn’t its nice to just bask

In the feeling of us

I hope its not just lust

To let things flow is hard for me

Yet you make it so easy to just be

You’re like a drug

Except it feels like a healthy nug

A breath of fresh air

A light that shines in my despair

You just happen to be so rare.

@nocturnalxo

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Haunted

Im haunted by my thoughts of you

I have no idea what im supposed to do

My memories get vivid and it dilutes me to

Negative thinking and depressive moods

I know that everything is alright

But the flashbacks get vivid especially at night

I know its just my mind

But i wish i knew how to calm it at times.

@nocturnalxo