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Part I, II & III

 

PT . I

I can only blame myself

 

That’s what makes me wanna scream

 

I don’t regret a thing

 

But I wish I did things differently

 

I can only blame myself

 

I wanna forgive but the memories are still healing

where is my will to live?

Why the hell am I still grieving?

What you did was close to stealing

My sunny go lucky disposition

not only that but after it all i lost all ambition

Dealing with the pain of having a significant other

bite you with his fangs

The pang gave me mental illness

you gave me PTSD when you put your hands on me

I quickly went to blame myself I said

 

I can only blame me

 

And although time heals all wounds

the time has surely shown just how easily I can bruise

 

I still cannot believe that I was watering dead trees

trying so hard to resurrect so many dead things

 

I can only blame myself

 

I saw the bark withering away

 

And still, I decided to continue to give other pieces of me

 

I can only blame myself

 

For not knowing then what I know now

 

The answer was in front of my face so how

 

How did I not see how?

 

you were never meant for me

 

An illusion of what I wanted you to be

 

I can only blame myself

 

And although positivity is a virtue

 

When I look back I think of all the things I didn’t do

 

Not for us but for me

 

I can only blame myself for my current lack of self-esteem

 

PT. II

New-season different reasons

same old numbing pain

I no longer blame myself I know that’s a dangerous game to play

and yet here I am still heartbroken

do I ever learn? am I waiting and watching for my soul to burn?

internally because it seems to me

that I haven’t learned my lessons

so many blessings but disaster is always what I’m left with

Tears fill the echo of the room

It’s noisy and yet the focus is still on us two

Tears that I didn’t mean to drop

Tears that make my heart go nonstop

I try to look away but I still feel your gaze

Embarrassment rushes through my visible veins

I wish I could take that day away

Being vulnerable.

Don’t know if I’ll ever conquer it

My vulnerability makes me feel like

I’m on a never landing sky rocket

Who knew my feelings could run this deep especially after all that was done to me

I sure didn’t and now I can’t sleep

you weren’t the cause of my primary pain and yet I was still able to have you leave a stain

Living rent-free in my brain and it’s pitiful

I brought this energy into the new year and it’s critical

That I end this vicious cycle

Because I’m the one that’s hurting

The heart wants what it wants but I was still a burden

for using my emotions

I may not be right but I know I wasn’t chosen

which is fine I’ve been down this road before

maybe now I can see what I’m genuinely living for

PT. III

There’s more to life

I must move on I must do right

When will I change?

When will I rewrite

The cons of me feeling so incomplete

When will I feel full without someone else to a certain degree

I must be deranged

It all seems so strange

The dream I had was intense but I took it too far

Now I have to pick up my own pieces

A messy galore

Being independent is what I am

But sometimes I wish I could have a helping hand

Enough of that pity party I came in alone

So here I go doing the one thing I know

Being strong moving on

No longer holding on to all the sadness

suppressing things that had to be put into the blackness

into my void, contained all noise

Is it healthy? I don’t know but I do know I’ll get past this

Thank God for expression

I need to learn my lesson

So another sleepless night isn’t spent

If I’m lucky one day I will become my own best friend

@nocturnalxo

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World Peace

I’m ringing all the alarm bells

The truth is we’re living in hell aswell

I’m tired of this as the reality for all of us

In the grand scheme of things, this affects everyone

I don’t want this for the general population or my family so let us discuss

World peace world peace

Is it really too much to ask?

I toss back my head and laugh

To stop the tears that crash from the absence of

World peace world peace

If I’m so tired, imagine them

Living in a war zone parallel to hell

How can we end it if evil seems to prevail?

World peace world peace

I’ll pray about it every day

my biggest wish is that it does not go in vain

Because one day my desire will coerce the brains

To wash away all the hate

We are humans we are one in this land of shame

World peace world peace

I don’t think I’m asking for much

But with all the corrupt leadership It feels like nothing will budge

and evil has corrupt everyday souls

if you ask me the good must take control

but that’s the dreamer in me trying to find a real loophole

One day one day

World peace will reign

When it does, I’ll say

Thank you, God, for such a beautiful day

@nocturnalxo

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LOVE

I don’t want a love that i have to fight for

I don’t want a love that makes me feel unworthy or makes me deal with gaslight nor

Do I want a love that contradicts who i am

Don’t want to question myself over any man

Don’t need a love that makes me go insane or question my brain

I want a love that makes me love myself more

Makes me see all that i bring to the door

A love that only validates my true power

One that helps me grow into a beautiful flower

In all reality i want a love that is unconditional

Something i can give to myself as it wont be minimal

A love called self

A love that will never put me on the bottom shelf

A love everlasting

A love that does not need any form of fasting

A love which is true

The best love you can give yourself is loving you

@nocturnalxo

 

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All That I Need

I’m really all that i need

Its truly beautiful that i finally see

It took me long enough to genuinely believe

That all the beauty i see in you i can also see in me

I’m really all that i need

Of course loneliness is something that still happens to me

I tap in and see how harmonious i am alone as i continue to grow

Because without my self love than i am truly alone

The potential that i have goes on for centuries

Once i set that potential in motion my success will run as deep as the pacific ocean

And when i focus on the positive i let go all of my miseries

When i legitimately dive in deep

I see how i thrive when i believe in me

So believe in you

Because true love develops when you grow the seed of truth

That once we initiate that unconditional love within

There is nothing holding us back to win

@nocturnalxo

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The Highs & The Lows

The highs could outweigh the lows but who knows what this life will hold

One minute we’re flying next second we fall

And that fall may stall what is meant to be

but keep your head up because soon they all will see

From the illusion of control the reality of us as a whole

We must relinquish and surrender

The Universe/ God is working  as our defender

our souls’ journey may be traveling through a blender

Live for you because this life is unapologetic

you’ll look back and wish that it was oh so poetic

From The Mountain top to rock bottom

we all go through shit we all have our problems

please don’t let the lows intervene 

don’t let it kill your dreams

time alone is exactly what you need

the highs and the lows will simply behold our spirits calling for more

Breathe in

Breathe out

We all will figure things out

@Nocturnalxo

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Hero on Ground Zero

Her smile, Her strength

I learned it all from the best

Goodness gracious this lady had on a bulletproof vest

Reminded me of a ram mixed with a bull

Or so it seemed because in all reality

We cannot escape mortality

Working hard never taking a break

Life catches up to us all we all must accept our fate

And so it was

Losing your memory hurt me the most

Because all I can remember is every time you took

Me to the park or those sleepovers in the dark

Now I see you dying slowly

shot after shot

I wish we could turn back the clock

Go back to those days when you would watch me play

Now you act younger than me because of whats going on in your brain

I wish things were different but this life is a mystery

So all I can do now is remember your true history.

A strong woman you are and will always be

I’ll remember who you were and what you meant to me

Nocturnalxo

https://act.alz.org/site/Donation2?df_id=32112&32112.donation=form1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paidsearch&utm_campaign=google_giving&set.custom.wt=giving&gclid=CjwKCAiA58fvBRAzEiwAQW-hzbcR6fGMVR-2WDSnv84TKVxwHG_MoCB9XzDSTezKKx-66n07yN_DZxoC-mkQAvD_BwE

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Transfiguration (Short story)

   The wind felt bitter cold, and I could feel myself getting sick. That’s December in Connecticut for you though. I almost couldn’t get out of bed today, and it made me wonder about seasonal depression. It seems like a real thing, but lately, it’s been feeling like more than just that. Isn’t Seasonal depression a temporary thing? Hence the word seasonal? Regardless, The feelings I’ve been carrying around have been heavy since my first memory. Although I would have loved to stay in bed all day and sleep like I’m in hibernation, I have too many people who depend on me to do that. So, although I dreaded getting up today and seeing the snow, responsibilities needed to be tended to. As I’m walking towards my car, I pass by my reflection, and I almost flinch. My work uniform looks dirty, and my hair looks like it hasn’t been picked out or touched in days. I sigh and keep it moving, it is what it is.

           “Damon.” I heard a familiar girl’s voice call my name, So I broke my neck looking for anyone who would meet my eyes. Because it happened to be 5:30AM, the streets were practically empty. I shake my head, and immediately my mind goes to the fact that I fell asleep late, I didn’t even get the chance to eat breakfast. I wasn’t entirely convinced that that was the reason why I heard the voice. When I finally get to my car and enter it, for some odd reason, the vehicle felt already warmed up. This made my anxiety reach maximum potential, and I started to feel this gut-wrenching feeling as if someone was in my car or someone was watching me. I know how to defend myself, but I didn’t feel like even having to resort to that, I was too tired for all that extra energy to be wasted. My paranoia was knocking on the door, and my intuition was telling me to stay put and see what is up, but the time was telling me that if I don’t start driving, I was going to be late. So I said myself I’m just tired and I did not take these feelings seriously. I thought of my mother, who had just lost her job, and I thought of my little sister, who probably was not going to get everything on her Christmas list because of that. Before I knew it, I put the key in the ignition and got the car going.

It almost felt like I was on autopilot. My eyelids were heavy, and the highway was pretty empty. I thought I had everything under control until I heard that same voice call my name again, which made me jump. I was holding on to the steering wheel, and as I hopped with my hands still holding on to the steering wheel, I accidentally dragged the wheel to the right. I wasn’t completely aware of my surroundings, I didn’t see the car speeding recklessly to my right and what should have only been a scare turned into a full-blown nasty accident. What I saw after the accident is what will stay imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. I saw the whole accident while it was happening. I saw my car colliding with the other vehicle, and even worse, My foot was still on the gas, blame it on shock, and I watched it flip and crash into the exit ramp. I saw the Drunk driver get out of his car and get arrested, I saw my lifeless body, and what was even scarier, I saw and mostly felt a powerful figure next to me, staring at me. I can’t remember the face, but I do remember the brown eyes speaking to my soul. “Was it worth it?” was one of the things that no matter how hard I try, I can not get out of my mind. I remember the feeling of sincere sorrow, regret, and fear. I wasn’t ready to die, and I knew that very well, I felt it. My Mother, My little sister, and my Partner all came into my mind. The figure next to me examined me while I was having a breakdown, and I felt the empathy and rapport of this figure. As soon as I did,  all those negative feelings went away.

I woke up in the hospital with all my loved ones around. Even people who I thought did not really care for me had sent kindhearted messages to my phone. I was in a coma for 1 week. Which was crazy to me because I saw my lifeless body. I saw myself dead I was even able to describe the whole accident to my doctor. After I received physical therapy, The doctor told me I was lucky to have made a full recovery and no permanent neurological damage. They had told my family that I might not make it because of the swelling in my brain and how I was unresponsive to the treatment. Growing up, I never really attended church or thought about God. My life was intense, and I didn’t have the foundation of religion or spirituality.

My parents were too focused on their dying relationship. I used to think about it a lot as I grew up, but I was not educated on any religion, and as I grew older, my life of sin grew taller. Religion seemed imaginary, and I could not afford to live in an imaginary world. Life was hard enough to get caught up in the abstract world. After that accident, once I was cleared to go back to work, I told my boss I need Sundays off to rest. I was compelled to. To my surprise, she was more than happy to oblige. I started educating myself on different religions; none of them really seemed appealing for me personally, but I kept seeing crosses everywhere, so I assumed all this was leading me to Jesus Christ. To this day, I wonder if the figure was Jesus, but when I started researching religions, I saw that Christians believe that God and Jesus are the same, so I’m sure it was. Although I side-eye the bible every time I pick it up because of the history of it, I tried to keep an open mind. Once I did, I realized that God gave us free will, and we can not blame God for mankind. I started getting epiphanies on why God created such flawed humans. My personal belief is we are in this dimension to learn lessons and evolve. Once we have completed those lessons and have evolved, we can ascend. I now know how much wisdom is in every religious book, regardless. The Quran, The Torah, The Bible, etc.  I knew that even being able to try and change my life or try and acknowledge a higher power was a blessing. Not many people get the opportunity to receive.

Regardless of my Spiritual beliefs, I must say the fact that I got away with causing an accident has weighed heavy on my soul. Although I am a firm believer that everything we go through is by design, I’m human, and my guilty conscious started taking over my mind. I started seeing a therapist which was long overdue if you ask me. The therapist reinforced the thought that if it was not me who would have gotten into the accident, it would have been someone else. Driving drunk and Driving tired is equivalent to statistically speaking. Although I understand she was doing her job in trying to ease my guilt, I take full responsibility. Whenever I see I am not going to get enough sleep to function correctly and have an early shift the next morning, I always send a message to my Superior to weigh out my options.

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New day

Swallowed by the dark

sometimes it’s hard to remember just who you are

The light can seem so far

but hold on to that shining star

it lives in each and every one of us

look within and the dark will once be an old home of past scars

Tomorrow is a new day

Hold on to that shining light, try to pray

For the darkness is only temporary

and our light may be dimmed but its eternally within

Hope may feel gone

but brighter days are to come ❤

Nocturnalxo

New day kanye west jay z

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Am I imagining this or is it real

Oh yes, I’m dissociating

What is real?

I’m losing my mind

In the calmest way

I don’t think I’m fine

But I’ll be okay.

My inner most thoughts

Just revealed like that

Vulnerability just sucks

I prefer that mask

A facade of neat

To cover up my weak spots

Someone tell me how to get rid of these dark thoughts

I know what I need

Some inner work indeed

This can’t be real life

This must be a dream

Or a nightmare for me cus I just can’t see

Why me why me

This victim mentality

I’ve become so used to it

A tragic normality

Some inner self work and a new mindset

Will give me the strength that I just don’t have

A walking contradiction

I confuse myself

So please bare with me

I must excuse myself

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MY NAME IS DIA

Well, you can refer to me as DIA, which is short for Claudia.

Karina, which is my middle name, or nocturnalxo are preferred if the nickname DIA doesn’t rock your world. whatever you decide this is the story of my life… totally joking you’d have to pay me for that one but this will be a place where i face something that i have noticed to be my biggest fear. Being completely transparent and vulnerable. With that being said, what you can expect is a great deal of poetry, thoughts and self reflection. Knowing me i will definitely add lyrics and quotes.

Maybe if i feel bold enough short stories but just know i am a fiction writer. Just a little background information though, I’ve been writing since about 8 or 9. I used to write fan fiction and post it on YouTube and i’m one of those people who will bring that up until death because i was pretty successful, for a 8/9 year old. My insecurities were pretty successful as well though. I hid behind a username and only those closest to me knew about it. If i only had kept going perhaps i would have a Netflix movie out by now. Life took over and i kind of strayed away from my dreams. Either way, everything happens for a reason. Although that is such a cliche thing that people usually only say to make themselves feel better i have seen it to be true in ways that may or may not be evident with my future blog posts. As in I’ve gained a lot of experience and new perspectives that perhaps can and will make my writing better and better but, you be the judge. This is my first ever blog i loved the show AWKWARD but never even imagined creating my own. If im being honest i can’t completely tell you what im going to say, all i know is i have a lot to say and a lot of feelings so for all you emotionally crippled folks you might not wanna tune in. I can get pretty intense.

So All in All like Demi sang ” This is real, this is me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me And now I’ve found who I am
There’s no way to hold it in No more hiding who I want to be”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv3KA6onF0w