Categories
blog post nocturnalxo

My Month Of June

I went from posting every few days to monthly, which is quite alright with me since i was posting all my creative works so frequently for free at that :’) but hey! I just wanted to update my readers on my month of June and also let you all know about my newest interest which is streaming on twitch and youtube. At the end i will link to both and maybe you guys can check me out! I plan on actually reciting the poetry i did write on there as well as other kind of videos so i think the audience i gained here might like it.

Honestly June was a blur, the most memorable thing is that i got out of my anti social bag and i am slowly starting to become me again. Which is nice, i spent most of june trying to help out in cleaning since my apartment has been plagued with renovations that the super starts but never finishes which left the crib a mess and you know what they say, when your space is messy… you’re mind is messy. I stopped smoking weed, i dont know if i wrote that in my last blog post but i actually really have been fine and have no interest in it. Not to shame anyone who does it, just not for me. I gained a lot of the confidence that i lost and am actually seriously considering going back to school and going forward with my life. I let my trauma really hold me down and the disappointments of romantic affairs keep me in this stagnant space and i had to snap out of it and fix my priorities. Im back in the gym and my self esteem is growing to where it should be.

So although life is not exactly where i thought it would be when i was a teenager, i learned in order for me to be happy i need to loosen the grip and pressure i have on myself. Live in the present and be grateful for every second. 2020 taught me that every day is truly a gift. We lost so many lives, we are blessed to still be alive. i may proclaim to be a master piece (word to Jazmine Sullivan) but i’m still a work in progress and everyday i compete with who i used to be so that i can continue to grow and become better. So thats why i decided to truly believe in myself and put myself out there more. I will never expect to be an overnight sensation, good things take time! Im almost at 5k viewers overall on this site and although that may not be much for others its more than enough for me. Especially since this is my very unofficial blog. I thank every single person who keeps up with it whether i know you or not, to know that someone cares and likes my writing whether its creative or just my blogs it really does mean the world. Okay now i’m going to drop my links to youtube and Twitch and maybe you guys can follow/ subscribe! Thank you again for keeping up with me.

@nocturnalxo

https://youtube.com/channel/UC9QSeOKt722hKo9Lmh2nXsQ

https://www.twitch.tv/nocturnalsims

Categories
blog post grief nocturnalxo Uncategorized

My Month Of May

My month of May was very interesting to say the least, past Trauma was highlighted. The month of May was me facing my own demons. I saw the fruits of my creative labor try and manifest and I saw my anxiety and depression hold me back in ways i could never imagine. I took accountability for the losses that could have been avoided if i had just been less one track minded.

A feeling of Anger and Resentment came up as i saw myself self sabotage my dreams with timidness. A feeling of forgiveness shined on my soul as i let all my shame go and was able to look in the mirror and not dislike who i saw. Self love is my main aim. Lauryn hill once said “How you gon win when you ain’t right within?” Truest thing i ever heard, made the self reflection more intense.

I realized i was letting a crappy mindset control my life after the traumatic year of 2020. With a website of self reflection comes a life of self reflection. My birthday is coming up soon and i will be 22, i realized i was on a weird path that did not reflect my hopes and dreams. What i realized most was it was me vs myself. The blame game is a game we all like to play and sometimes misplaced hate makes our own hearts turn cold. That’s exactly what happened with me.

My main goal last month was to cut off all the toxic connections that i had, i realized so many toxic people were half in, half out. I don’t believe in burning bridges but i do believe in knowing your worth and moving accordingly. I realized my best friend is and will always be GOD. All the past lessons that i did not take heed to came back to bite me in the ass but in a magical kind of way. I learned so much about myself, For that i’m grateful.

Being vulnerable online is super easy but being vulnerable in the public is when my Shell comes out.

My depression made my mindset cloudy and fogged up, Grief is not a laughing matter and the way i had to face grief was harsh but Lovely at the end. This vacation has made me realize that the sky is the limit, with a good mindset comes good vibrations. This made me realized that my grandmother would want me to go after my dreams. Made me understand that while yes, caring for others is an objective, caring for yourself is the real way to ‘happyness’.

The movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” has been on my mind heavy because if i continued on the same path of addiction to the material world, i know personally i would have fell through the cracks. I pride myself in being imperfect but my main intention now is to keep my peace of mind. Like Bob Marley said, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

Categories
blog post nocturnalxo poetry

Just Cant Get Enough

Sis is a poet, it feel good don’t it

My self esteem went down

Logically i can think why cant I count?

looking all around me i see ive been done a disservice

By not following through I made this worsen

Now I embrace who i truly am

Family oriented with a Golden plan

Breathe in, breathe out

We all have our own crowns

-CKC

Categories
blog post nocturnalxo poetry

Earfquake

Im only 21 but i feel so old

Like i been around here before

When i put the phone down im more aware

When i put the ganja down my memories come fleeting back like bel-air

and it feels so como se dice libre

pero ya yo veo para mi y mi familia

Me das el poder y temblor de jesus christo

But still i stand as i look back and reminisce at a better man.

Amen.

-CKC

Shook ones – mobb deep

Categories
blog post fiction nocturnalxo poetry

Rose In The BirthPlace.

Why yall hating on me X4

I do not believe, i just feel some things

Why ya hatin on me?

I heard you say somethings, face expressions talk more than things

Its crazy so lazy all you had to say was my baby i miss you but i cant deal with you

I would have understood

I dont think that im too good

No no not me

Why dont you believe

Sincere in my way i dont do it for cake

I do it for me

For my self esteem

Cant bottle this up no more and no its not in stores

But yo i cant take this sadness

Yo i gotta leave it in the past

And then ill see

The gift that God gave me.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo poetry

Fragile

i come in peace

With good intentions as the masterpiece i am

I come with an abundance of love

Ready to pour into your cup

But dont hurt me, im fragile

And dont play me cus i just cant handle

When things arent what they seem

Im a what you see is what you get type

So when things become a mirage

And when the hate has now camouflaged

My fragility turns into strength

Because i take that pain and i go on to paint it into these words

And thats where my fragility becomes my biggest asset. My greatest strength.

My ability to fix myself up after every fall

Every broken piece, i lost them all

And still i am.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
blog post nocturnalxo

Writers Block

My name is Karina (or Claudia, whatever. i don’t even care anymore) and i have major writers block.

I guess it started right after i posted that last story that i wrote. I kind of knew i wasn’t going to post a part 2 anytime soon even though i really wanted to, it just took me so long to even post part 1 so i knew it was over for part 2. xD (yes i will use emoticons, i feel like it adds personality and an old time blog feel.) so here i am trying to grasp any kind of poetry that comes to me (my notes app look like a disaster.)

I said i was going to focus on stories and blogs, but because of the writers block I basically ignored both. *face palm* this part of the entry is basically just me saying that these blog posts do a lot for me then they will probably ever do for you guys so let me get my Jenna Hamilton on and write. (MTV tv show awkward reference, Hi 5 if you got it.)

So yeah now to get to the actual content of the blog post, i have got to blog these feelings out because its heavy! As many of my past blog posts have mentioned, i lost 2 VIP family member’s who i lived with less than 5 months ago. Something i realized 4 months later is i do not know how to grieve. I literally fell back into my worst habits and have not started the healing process. (So ironic because my first blog posts was basically my homework for how i can handle when life goes downhill but i wont beat myself up over it)

When i was younger i would cry about everything, everything! Now, i barely cry. I have to watch old videos and really think hard to cry about my grandma. Not because I’m not sad or i don’t miss her but its because i literally try my hardest to not think about the death for too long. I have noticed though my little 4 month emotionless run is done. Back to being a cry baby which I’m grateful for because tears heal.

I felt like since December i just ignored the hurt and pain. My life wasn’t going too bad, excluding the deaths, so afterwards i just focused on the things i did have like the people in my life and the wealth I accumulated and it worked! I wasn’t too sad and felt like things were going to be okay until i didn’t have those things either. I realized i wasn’t healing. i wasn’t addressing the actual pain, i was just distracting myself. Now my grandma stays in my dreams and every morning i wake up with this pain in my chest. but the first step is feeling it. Something i have tried my hardest to not do for the past couple of months.

I write all this to say that when things go wrong in life many people run to things like substances or other people or material possessions and while that may soothe the pain it doesn’t heal. Just a bandaid put on top of the wound. I feel like i might have touched on this before but it doesn’t hurt to reinstate the facts of the matter.

I feel like a broken record with the hurt and pain of my grandma but one thing about me is I’m going to express myself. Like right now im going through a little heartbreak and im hoping i can get some fire poetry but for some reason the heart break gave me 2 poems and then dipped! Like the writers block said haha yea right! Ima let this writers block pass though and im giving you guys relationship heartbreak kinda content when the curse is lifted. Hope you guys are still down :p

Peace ☮️

Categories
nocturnalxo poetry

Heartbreak Hotel

They say things get better with time

But ima sip on this wine till it gets better in my mind

They say things get better when you work

But i just wanna lay in bed all day like clockwork

Heartbreak hotel

The desk clerk knows me so well

Heartbreak hotel

It feels like someone casted a spell

A spell that keeps me locked in this hotel

The way my heart is in critical condition

may sound dramatic but there were barely any intermissions

from abuse to betrayal to death

These last 5 years have put me to the test

But i see an opening of strength

Where i take my power back and go the length

My past doesn’t determine my future

so i’m learning as i go

And this hotel isn’t the way to go

So this is my last stay

Starting today the focus is on me

Because thats how it should be

And i wont have any more stays as long as i stay true to the one person who’s never broken my heart

@nocturnalxo

Categories
fiction nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Dysfunctional Part 1/2

DISCLAIMER: 100% fiction! all from my imagination not even realistic fiction just fiction! enjoy.

The room felt tense, silence making the most sound as the results await. Layla took a glance at Richard who’s face had already started to drop. Richard kept pacing up and down the hallways just waiting for the doctor to come out and rip the band-aid. She quickly got up to console him and reassure him that the call would be positive and everything would be fine. As if somehow, her wishful thinking would give her the right to promise such promises.

I stood at the corner of the room, watching the whole room. A part of me felt the dread coming from the silence that awaited me and my cousins.

“So, who is going to call Aunt Elainne and let her know what is going on with her son? Because i really am assuming one of you guys snuck off to the bathroom and had the common sense to do it.” My cousin Stephens irritated voice echoed the private waiting room we were put in. We all just exchange looks while Anna rolls her eyes

“You sound so dumb right now because you know damn well you can pick that phone up and make that call since you are the one wh-” before Anna can finish her thought, Stephen cuts her off arguing with words that just drowned out from everyone now arguing.

“Enough!” My voice creaks and i let out a grimace. “I cannot believe even in a moment like this you guys find ways to try and tear each other down.” Nobody is making eye contact and the energy is intense.

Family is really hard to deal with sometimes and i sure know a lot about that. Tonight was supposed to be us going out and having a good time, Tonight we all agreed to trying. I’m not sure how to tell you all how we got here but here we are.

We all meet at Discos Bar, we all have a good time. Reconnecting and actually getting a long, rare for us! Maybe this family is cursed though because the peace didn’t last for long. The type of family we grew up with back home in Oklahoma were tough. When it comes to love languages let’s just say they didn’t know how to apply any. Made some of us rough around the edges and the ones who didn’t toughen up are more on the out of touch side of trauma. Stephen, he’s one of the tough ones, not hard to imagine that Anna is as well.

Then there is Layla and Ricky, Layla is like me who has a fathers side who cares and isn’t as fucked up as my mothers side but Ricky? Well, Ricky has a few loose screws. I don’t know much personally but i heard he’s been through the worst between all of us cousins. The Black Sheep of the family, as you will.

Me? I’m a mix of both. Rough around the edges and someone who also has issues. Sometimes i think that everyone has issues and while that maybe true to a certain extent, i’m convinced with the more people i meet that i just say that to make myself feel better. The type of issues we have must be more than any other family as a collective because boy are we messed up.

It all started when Layla drank her 6th shot.

“Let’s go to the bathroom.” Layla gets up and takes my arm. I have 3 shots in so far and i already see her stumbling, that’s because she drank too fast. When we got to the bathroom she looked at me and started laughing.

“What is so funny!” I ask with a grin on my face but the grin turns into a complete 180, before i know it Layla starts sobbing. So much going through my mind, first thing i will admit i wondered was if she took me into the bathroom to cry; then i wondered why she was crying. “Are you okay?” I ask kinda freezing up. Me and Layla aren’t really close even though we are family.

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Memories

now i have just memories of you and me

only pieces of how we used to be

I miss you terribly

And the thought of never seeing you again

It’s fucking with my head

It’s fucking with my heart

Quite frankly its tearing me apart.

You were my rock,

You were my heart

I don’t remember what life was like when we were apart

I dont remember what it was like to not hear you speak or call out my name regularly

For the phone or the remote or even a glass of water

And now without your voice the house just sounds much quieter

I miss you deeply and wish this was all just a dream i wish you didn’t just become a memory because life with out you is harder than it seems

I wish i can see you and wake up from this nightmare but i know you wouldn’t want me to dwell and you would just want me to take care

Want me to cherish the memories that we shared and stay strong for family, try and help them bear.

@nocturnalxo