Categories
nocturnalxo poetry

Heartbreak Hotel

They say things get better with time

But ima sip on this wine till it gets better in my mind

They say things get better when you work

But i just wanna lay in bed all day like clockwork

Heartbreak hotel

The desk clerk knows me so well

Heartbreak hotel

It feels like someone casted a spell

A spell that keeps me locked in this hotel

The way my heart is in critical condition

may sound dramatic but there were barely any intermissions

from abuse to betrayal to death

These last 5 years have put me to the test

But i see an opening of strength

Where i take my power back and go the length

My past doesn’t determine my future

so i’m learning as i go

And this hotel isn’t the way to go

So this is my last stay

Starting today the focus is on me

Because thats how it should be

And i wont have any more stays as long as i stay true to the one person who’s never broken my heart

@nocturnalxo

Categories
fiction nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Dysfunctional Part 1/2

DISCLAIMER: 100% fiction! all from my imagination not even realistic fiction just fiction! enjoy.

The room felt tense, silence making the most sound as the results await. Layla took a glance at Richard who’s face had already started to drop. Richard kept pacing up and down the hallways just waiting for the doctor to come out and rip the band-aid. She quickly got up to console him and reassure him that the call would be positive and everything would be fine. As if somehow, her wishful thinking would give her the right to promise such promises.

I stood at the corner of the room, watching the whole room. A part of me felt the dread coming from the silence that awaited me and my cousins.

“So, who is going to call Aunt Elainne and let her know what is going on with her son? Because i really am assuming one of you guys snuck off to the bathroom and had the common sense to do it.” My cousin Stephens irritated voice echoed the private waiting room we were put in. We all just exchange looks while Anna rolls her eyes

“You sound so dumb right now because you know damn well you can pick that phone up and make that call since you are the one wh-” before Anna can finish her thought, Stephen cuts her off arguing with words that just drowned out from everyone now arguing.

“Enough!” My voice creaks and i let out a grimace. “I cannot believe even in a moment like this you guys find ways to try and tear each other down.” Nobody is making eye contact and the energy is intense.

Family is really hard to deal with sometimes and i sure know a lot about that. Tonight was supposed to be us going out and having a good time, Tonight we all agreed to trying. I’m not sure how to tell you all how we got here but here we are.

We all meet at Discos Bar, we all have a good time. Reconnecting and actually getting a long, rare for us! Maybe this family is cursed though because the peace didn’t last for long. The type of family we grew up with back home in Oklahoma were tough. When it comes to love languages let’s just say they didn’t know how to apply any. Made some of us rough around the edges and the ones who didn’t toughen up are more on the out of touch side of trauma. Stephen, he’s one of the tough ones, not hard to imagine that Anna is as well.

Then there is Layla and Ricky, Layla is like me who has a fathers side who cares and isn’t as fucked up as my mothers side but Ricky? Well, Ricky has a few loose screws. I don’t know much personally but i heard he’s been through the worst between all of us cousins. The Black Sheep of the family, as you will.

Me? I’m a mix of both. Rough around the edges and someone who also has issues. Sometimes i think that everyone has issues and while that maybe true to a certain extent, i’m convinced with the more people i meet that i just say that to make myself feel better. The type of issues we have must be more than any other family as a collective because boy are we messed up.

It all started when Layla drank her 6th shot.

“Let’s go to the bathroom.” Layla gets up and takes my arm. I have 3 shots in so far and i already see her stumbling, that’s because she drank too fast. When we got to the bathroom she looked at me and started laughing.

“What is so funny!” I ask with a grin on my face but the grin turns into a complete 180, before i know it Layla starts sobbing. So much going through my mind, first thing i will admit i wondered was if she took me into the bathroom to cry; then i wondered why she was crying. “Are you okay?” I ask kinda freezing up. Me and Layla aren’t really close even though we are family.

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Memories

now i have just memories of you and me

only pieces of how we used to be

I miss you terribly

And the thought of never seeing you again

It’s fucking with my head

It’s fucking with my heart

Quite frankly its tearing me apart.

You were my rock,

You were my heart

I don’t remember what life was like when we were apart

I dont remember what it was like to not hear you speak or call out my name regularly

For the phone or the remote or even a glass of water

And now without your voice the house just sounds much quieter

I miss you deeply and wish this was all just a dream i wish you didn’t just become a memory because life with out you is harder than it seems

I wish i can see you and wake up from this nightmare but i know you wouldn’t want me to dwell and you would just want me to take care

Want me to cherish the memories that we shared and stay strong for family, try and help them bear.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Grief.

Damn 2020, That was way harsh.

I have to really just blog this one out because this year has really been the worst. Worse than the year my life got derailed which is saying a lot. Lets start with the fact that personally, i never actually grieved an immediate family member live before this year. When my grandfather died i was a toddler but still i grieved him when i was like 8 just because i wish he had more time and i wish i could have really got to know him. This year though, this year showed me what it was like to grieve someone live, and man does it hurt.

My Aunt fell from some stairs at the end of September, she was in a coma and then died at home. I had to watch her die slowly and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with personally. That’s where all the great aunt poetry stemmed from. Now, my Grandmother got infected with covid-19 and died from pneumonia today. Difficult situation to say the least, back to back shots, i wish i could turn back the clock! I wrote that in a poem but yeah i just wanted to write right now. I have poems im going to post because oddly enough when i got the news all this emo creativity came to me. All i know is that if i thought i was strong before, now i will really see if i’m strong.

My grandmother, mama patria was thee mother. She was all of my close friends extra grandmother and all of my mothers friends extra mother, she was just the shit. Funny with so much personality. Mischievous and loved sports. Her crossword puzzles in english, her knitting, hell even her calling my name all the time for the door or for the phone that is 2 feet away from her so i could get it for her. I miss that and i just wish i didn’t have to miss her.

This shit hurts man, to say the least and I know in my last post i was talking about, how can you flip a bad situation or how could you lift yourself up and change your perspective but man…easy to say/write harder to apply! I mentioned that in the last blog too but i do want to mention that me even writing this i guess is a push in the right/(write) 😉 direction. Im glad i switched my website up to an actual blog though not for nothing because damn, sometimes i want to express myself and talk to a void. Whether someone is reading this or not, this is therapeutic. And yes a journal is somewhat equivalent but for some reason this is much more cathartic. 😅 I mean maybe someone who is also dealing with grief will stumble upon this and relate, you never know.

Grief is so weird because i know that this is just the beginning. With my aunt it didn’t completely hit until a few weeks ago honestly and i feel this time wont be any different. I get it, the circle and cycle of life and all that but i really just wish i got a few more years.

Regardless though even though i am utterly heartbroken i’m lucky enough to have an outlet like writing. Still grieving and probably will be for a while but while i grieve at least i have this healthy coping mechanism. I will never forget my grandmother and really cant wait to see her again, this year has been hard. So heavy but somehow i’m going to hold my head and stay strong. 2020 broke me, no doubt and the good that came out of 2020 will never out weigh the bad, just too heavy.

You won 2020, i hope things only go up from here and somehow 2021 can be good to me and my family. This was rough, hold your loved ones extra close, our time on this earth is borrowed never guaranteed.

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Emma

I see the morning sky and i think of you at times when im lonely and to myself

Memories come to my mind since it hasn’t been much time since you left to paradise

And i cry because i miss you but also because i wish i was with you

And ill be mourning forever because the house has bad weather since you’ve been gone

Silent storms take on new forms to further try to numb my emotions

But no matter how much i cope in ways that should leave me numb im still always back to square one

I dont know what else to say that hasn’t already been said

I miss you and i wish i could see you again

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

If only

If only i was a healer who could magically heal with my hands

Id take away all your pain

Id even have you get up and dance

If only i was an angel who could have told you it was coming

I would have told you and id make sure it wouldnt become your shortcoming

If only i was a time traveler that could travel to the past

Id cherish those moments, id make them all last

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Falls on me

It all falls on me

Just how you said it wouldnt be

Even tho its not entirely

It still all falls on me

Even though you may catch a thing or two

At the end all of that residue

Falls to my emotions and my mental

It all falls on me

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Distractions

Distractions

Truth is i don’t feel well

Sleeping in your bed at night gives me chills

Where are you? Will you ever wake up?

I wish i could hug you and tell you to not let up

When we spoke on the phone you opened your eyes

As if my voice brought you back

Much to my surprise

I cant think too much about it because it ruins my mood

So i distract myself so that i don’t think of you.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo

Animosity

The animosity

Is slowly haunting me

Went from super close to you barely talking to me

Was it jealousy? Or even envy?

That built a wedge between you and me?

I dont pretend to be

The picture perfect heavenly

Girl next door like you may be

But the animosity

Feels like its haunting me

Was it my fault?

Could it have been you?

I always had love for you

You know what? i know i still do

Even though your face has switched and you showed me the real you.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Insomnia

I aint rest

I aint sleep

Im functioning off 2 hours of sleep

Here i am

Now im not

Im traveling through different realms in my mind

The bags under my eyes look real nice to me

The night sky makes me feel so free

Sleeping during the day

Awake during the night

Nocturnal is what i am, i cannot deny

Tried to fight it

Tried to fix it

But here we are, there is no listening

Goodness gracious, here we are again

Its just like i cant get out my head

Darkness comes and takes me whole at night

Oh my

Oh my

Insomnias got my mind

All night

All night

Insomnia

Has got a hold of my mind

@nocturnalxo