Categories
blog post grief nocturnalxo Uncategorized

My Month Of May

My month of May was very interesting to say the least, past Trauma was highlighted. The month of May was me facing my own demons. I saw the fruits of my creative labor try and manifest and I saw my anxiety and depression hold me back in ways i could never imagine. I took accountability for the losses that could have been avoided if i had just been less one track minded.

A feeling of Anger and Resentment came up as i saw myself self sabotage my dreams with timidness. A feeling of forgiveness shined on my soul as i let all my shame go and was able to look in the mirror and not dislike who i saw. Self love is my main aim. Lauryn hill once said “How you gon win when you ain’t right within?” Truest thing i ever heard, made the self reflection more intense.

I realized i was letting a crappy mindset control my life after the traumatic year of 2020. With a website of self reflection comes a life of self reflection. My birthday is coming up soon and i will be 22, i realized i was on a weird path that did not reflect my hopes and dreams. What i realized most was it was me vs myself. The blame game is a game we all like to play and sometimes misplaced hate makes our own hearts turn cold. That’s exactly what happened with me.

My main goal last month was to cut off all the toxic connections that i had, i realized so many toxic people were half in, half out. I don’t believe in burning bridges but i do believe in knowing your worth and moving accordingly. I realized my best friend is and will always be GOD. All the past lessons that i did not take heed to came back to bite me in the ass but in a magical kind of way. I learned so much about myself, For that i’m grateful.

Being vulnerable online is super easy but being vulnerable in the public is when my Shell comes out.

My depression made my mindset cloudy and fogged up, Grief is not a laughing matter and the way i had to face grief was harsh but Lovely at the end. This vacation has made me realize that the sky is the limit, with a good mindset comes good vibrations. This made me realized that my grandmother would want me to go after my dreams. Made me understand that while yes, caring for others is an objective, caring for yourself is the real way to ‘happyness’.

The movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” has been on my mind heavy because if i continued on the same path of addiction to the material world, i know personally i would have fell through the cracks. I pride myself in being imperfect but my main intention now is to keep my peace of mind. Like Bob Marley said, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”