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blog post nocturnalxo

My Month Of June

I went from posting every few days to monthly, which is quite alright with me since i was posting all my creative works so frequently for free at that :’) but hey! I just wanted to update my readers on my month of June and also let you all know about my newest interest which is streaming on twitch and youtube. At the end i will link to both and maybe you guys can check me out! I plan on actually reciting the poetry i did write on there as well as other kind of videos so i think the audience i gained here might like it.

Honestly June was a blur, the most memorable thing is that i got out of my anti social bag and i am slowly starting to become me again. Which is nice, i spent most of june trying to help out in cleaning since my apartment has been plagued with renovations that the super starts but never finishes which left the crib a mess and you know what they say, when your space is messy… you’re mind is messy. I stopped smoking weed, i dont know if i wrote that in my last blog post but i actually really have been fine and have no interest in it. Not to shame anyone who does it, just not for me. I gained a lot of the confidence that i lost and am actually seriously considering going back to school and going forward with my life. I let my trauma really hold me down and the disappointments of romantic affairs keep me in this stagnant space and i had to snap out of it and fix my priorities. Im back in the gym and my self esteem is growing to where it should be.

So although life is not exactly where i thought it would be when i was a teenager, i learned in order for me to be happy i need to loosen the grip and pressure i have on myself. Live in the present and be grateful for every second. 2020 taught me that every day is truly a gift. We lost so many lives, we are blessed to still be alive. i may proclaim to be a master piece (word to Jazmine Sullivan) but i’m still a work in progress and everyday i compete with who i used to be so that i can continue to grow and become better. So thats why i decided to truly believe in myself and put myself out there more. I will never expect to be an overnight sensation, good things take time! Im almost at 5k viewers overall on this site and although that may not be much for others its more than enough for me. Especially since this is my very unofficial blog. I thank every single person who keeps up with it whether i know you or not, to know that someone cares and likes my writing whether its creative or just my blogs it really does mean the world. Okay now i’m going to drop my links to youtube and Twitch and maybe you guys can follow/ subscribe! Thank you again for keeping up with me.

@nocturnalxo

https://youtube.com/channel/UC9QSeOKt722hKo9Lmh2nXsQ

https://www.twitch.tv/nocturnalsims

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blog post grief nocturnalxo Uncategorized

My Month Of May

My month of May was very interesting to say the least, past Trauma was highlighted. The month of May was me facing my own demons. I saw the fruits of my creative labor try and manifest and I saw my anxiety and depression hold me back in ways i could never imagine. I took accountability for the losses that could have been avoided if i had just been less one track minded.

A feeling of Anger and Resentment came up as i saw myself self sabotage my dreams with timidness. A feeling of forgiveness shined on my soul as i let all my shame go and was able to look in the mirror and not dislike who i saw. Self love is my main aim. Lauryn hill once said “How you gon win when you ain’t right within?” Truest thing i ever heard, made the self reflection more intense.

I realized i was letting a crappy mindset control my life after the traumatic year of 2020. With a website of self reflection comes a life of self reflection. My birthday is coming up soon and i will be 22, i realized i was on a weird path that did not reflect my hopes and dreams. What i realized most was it was me vs myself. The blame game is a game we all like to play and sometimes misplaced hate makes our own hearts turn cold. That’s exactly what happened with me.

My main goal last month was to cut off all the toxic connections that i had, i realized so many toxic people were half in, half out. I don’t believe in burning bridges but i do believe in knowing your worth and moving accordingly. I realized my best friend is and will always be GOD. All the past lessons that i did not take heed to came back to bite me in the ass but in a magical kind of way. I learned so much about myself, For that i’m grateful.

Being vulnerable online is super easy but being vulnerable in the public is when my Shell comes out.

My depression made my mindset cloudy and fogged up, Grief is not a laughing matter and the way i had to face grief was harsh but Lovely at the end. This vacation has made me realize that the sky is the limit, with a good mindset comes good vibrations. This made me realized that my grandmother would want me to go after my dreams. Made me understand that while yes, caring for others is an objective, caring for yourself is the real way to ‘happyness’.

The movie “The Pursuit of Happyness” has been on my mind heavy because if i continued on the same path of addiction to the material world, i know personally i would have fell through the cracks. I pride myself in being imperfect but my main intention now is to keep my peace of mind. Like Bob Marley said, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

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grief nocturnalxo poetry Uncategorized

Letter To Myself.

Might seem little but she knows what to do

Kinda like she been here before and it feels kind of rude…

I watched her grow up and i see how she’s suppressed

I just wanted you all to know im her very best friend.

Found that within didnt have to search

I guess it really me myself and i but also the hearse. – Claudia Karina

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blog post nocturnalxo

Writers Block

My name is Karina (or Claudia, whatever. i don’t even care anymore) and i have major writers block.

I guess it started right after i posted that last story that i wrote. I kind of knew i wasn’t going to post a part 2 anytime soon even though i really wanted to, it just took me so long to even post part 1 so i knew it was over for part 2. xD (yes i will use emoticons, i feel like it adds personality and an old time blog feel.) so here i am trying to grasp any kind of poetry that comes to me (my notes app look like a disaster.)

I said i was going to focus on stories and blogs, but because of the writers block I basically ignored both. *face palm* this part of the entry is basically just me saying that these blog posts do a lot for me then they will probably ever do for you guys so let me get my Jenna Hamilton on and write. (MTV tv show awkward reference, Hi 5 if you got it.)

So yeah now to get to the actual content of the blog post, i have got to blog these feelings out because its heavy! As many of my past blog posts have mentioned, i lost 2 VIP family member’s who i lived with less than 5 months ago. Something i realized 4 months later is i do not know how to grieve. I literally fell back into my worst habits and have not started the healing process. (So ironic because my first blog posts was basically my homework for how i can handle when life goes downhill but i wont beat myself up over it)

When i was younger i would cry about everything, everything! Now, i barely cry. I have to watch old videos and really think hard to cry about my grandma. Not because I’m not sad or i don’t miss her but its because i literally try my hardest to not think about the death for too long. I have noticed though my little 4 month emotionless run is done. Back to being a cry baby which I’m grateful for because tears heal.

I felt like since December i just ignored the hurt and pain. My life wasn’t going too bad, excluding the deaths, so afterwards i just focused on the things i did have like the people in my life and the wealth I accumulated and it worked! I wasn’t too sad and felt like things were going to be okay until i didn’t have those things either. I realized i wasn’t healing. i wasn’t addressing the actual pain, i was just distracting myself. Now my grandma stays in my dreams and every morning i wake up with this pain in my chest. but the first step is feeling it. Something i have tried my hardest to not do for the past couple of months.

I write all this to say that when things go wrong in life many people run to things like substances or other people or material possessions and while that may soothe the pain it doesn’t heal. Just a bandaid put on top of the wound. I feel like i might have touched on this before but it doesn’t hurt to reinstate the facts of the matter.

I feel like a broken record with the hurt and pain of my grandma but one thing about me is I’m going to express myself. Like right now im going through a little heartbreak and im hoping i can get some fire poetry but for some reason the heart break gave me 2 poems and then dipped! Like the writers block said haha yea right! Ima let this writers block pass though and im giving you guys relationship heartbreak kinda content when the curse is lifted. Hope you guys are still down :p

Peace ☮️

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Still Grieving

It’s been kind of hard for me to follow through with my creations, if I can be transparent. I have this story I’ve been writing and I don’t really have the motivation to pull through. I know I will get it done but I’m the type of person that I can be hard on myself, so when I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing or what I think I’m supposed to be doing it becomes me vs me.

Since my grandmother died a month ago, I’ve been distracting myself and trying to help people around me heal but when I’m faced with myself, I have all these emotions I’ve just been ignoring, just bottling up ready for an eruption. Grieving has been extra difficult because my focus for the past month has been on my mother and not on me and to be truthful I feel like my emotions haven’t been nurtured at all. I haven’t been selfish enough. Which might sound funny but at a certain point if you are hurting as well there’s nothing wrong with focusing on yourself and making yourself the top priority. In fact that’s how it should be in the first place but I’m the type of person who thinks of another persons feelings and then my own and that is so toxic.

Even if nobody cares or reads this. even if I get nothing out of my blog. My emotions, my mental health, me…I gets some sort of relief. I can play the sims for so long and listen to happy music that I don’t feel at the moment for so long until my true emotions catch up to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about the importance of friends. When my grandma died I didn’t really have anyone to cry too at the funeral besides family and I didn’t really want to cry with my family because even though they genuinely felt my pain I didn’t want to add on to theirs, crazy right? Doesn’t even make sense now that I reflect. But yeah I saw all my cousins friends and even my brothers friends and I felt like I didn’t have anyone who went out of their way to comfort me. Which I understand is because of corona but also because I do not get close to people anymore, I do not let people too close to me. Also haven’t been the best judger of character on who deserves to be my friend and who doesn’t but that’s something I am working on. Cutting off half ass friends is something I have been trying to accomplish.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of friends reach out to me via text giving me the opportunity to confide but I never took up those kinds of offers because we all know that things are different over text. It wasn’t until I hung out with my friend the other day that I actually broke down. That’s when I realized I’ve created this emotional block within myself where I don’t allow myself to feel things, I just suppress things. I realized I do that with anything that I find traumatic. I see now that the only way I can help myself is to talk about things instead of keeping it in, in fear of judgement or being looked at differently. It truly does not matter.

I’ve always had loner tendencies, the whole I’m better off alone mindset because my personality is not for everybody. So yeah maybe personally I’m better off with less people than more but I’m not better off alone. I believe nobody is, no matter what others say to make themselves feel better.

I read back my first blog and thought to myself, wow well you didn’t expect another death at all huh? I thought to myself, how can I help myself and take my own advice when I had two deaths in my family hit me back to back. I realized that I’m not taking my own advice. I give some great advice to others but when the time comes I fumble. I’m glad I’m seeing this behavior at 21 because just by writing this blog post I feel like this is helping me heal. Writing.

All this to say that my first personal blog really does help me remember that I have to keep trying to be my best self while also taking it easy with myself. It’s no longer 2020 but at the end of the day, the lingering effects of 2020 remain. Especially since I lost such a V.ery I.mportant P.erson in my life at the end of 2020. To think that other people are also going through such devastation does not help me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me want to go down a rabbit hole of pessimistic ideas of how things could have and should have been different. So I say that to say, activities that keep my mind off my pain help me cope, but it does not help me heal. I think that can be applied to anything from trying to look at the bright side/ bad side to over indulging completely on things like social media or TV Shows/Movies. Nothing wrong with it but really do see the difference between coping and healing. I’m going to try and be strong for myself and I hope anyone who is reading this who is having a hard time does the same, peace. –@nocturnalxo

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grief nocturnalxo

Mama Patria

my second mother

my right when I’m wrong

my good conscious because yours was so strong

so much of me i got from you

because you were just another mother to me too

Raising me like you raised your own

because that was just you

That motherly feeling ran in your bones

i lived with you since i was 5 years old

and wow i saw why every one loves your soul

Kind, considerate, and just plain ole good

the best role model cus we all wish we could

Live up to who you were and who you still are

Because energy never dies and you’ve been a star

I remember exactly how i felt when it sunk in

That you were really my grandma

you were really my kin

The feeling of pride, i cannot deny because

i felt so lucky to be growing up with someone like you by my side

A perfect example of how it doesn’t matter what you do career wise

but how you treat people makes the difference when it’s time to say goodbye

Because we are all just so sad

Even though it was 93 years,

thats the touch you had

Im not sure if you knew just how much i loved you

but i wont be sad anymore i’ll do that for you

I’ll do it for us

just know you can trust.

I won’t let you down

Here and then when i think of you i might wear a frown

Only because i miss you and i wish we had more time

i wish you could have heard me rhyme

But that’s alright and its okay

Im sorry for the days i didn’t obey

The presence might seem gone but i know

life is more then what meets the eyes

you probably sitting in the back of this place

With a smile on your face and the crown worn sideways

Cus you was cool like that

Thats how i will remember you

As a Mother Theresa type of cool cat

So rest now because this earth was never your home

too pure to be in this kind of zone

Ill never stop missing you, that is for sure

but i know you’ll never be too far away as long as we are here

And i thank you for being our new angel

Ill try my best to bear

@nocturnalxo

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grief nocturnalxo

Memories

now i have just memories of you and me

only pieces of how we used to be

I miss you terribly

And the thought of never seeing you again

It’s fucking with my head

It’s fucking with my heart

Quite frankly its tearing me apart.

You were my rock,

You were my heart

I don’t remember what life was like when we were apart

I dont remember what it was like to not hear you speak or call out my name regularly

For the phone or the remote or even a glass of water

And now without your voice the house just sounds much quieter

I miss you deeply and wish this was all just a dream i wish you didn’t just become a memory because life with out you is harder than it seems

I wish i can see you and wake up from this nightmare but i know you wouldn’t want me to dwell and you would just want me to take care

Want me to cherish the memories that we shared and stay strong for family, try and help them bear.

@nocturnalxo

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grief nocturnalxo

Grief.

Damn 2020, That was way harsh.

I have to really just blog this one out because this year has really been the worst. Worse than the year my life got derailed which is saying a lot. Lets start with the fact that personally, i never actually grieved an immediate family member live before this year. When my grandfather died i was a toddler but still i grieved him when i was like 8 just because i wish he had more time and i wish i could have really got to know him. This year though, this year showed me what it was like to grieve someone live, and man does it hurt.

My Aunt fell from some stairs at the end of September, she was in a coma and then died at home. I had to watch her die slowly and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with personally. That’s where all the great aunt poetry stemmed from. Now, my Grandmother got infected with covid-19 and died from pneumonia today. Difficult situation to say the least, back to back shots, i wish i could turn back the clock! I wrote that in a poem but yeah i just wanted to write right now. I have poems im going to post because oddly enough when i got the news all this emo creativity came to me. All i know is that if i thought i was strong before, now i will really see if i’m strong.

My grandmother, mama patria was thee mother. She was all of my close friends extra grandmother and all of my mothers friends extra mother, she was just the shit. Funny with so much personality. Mischievous and loved sports. Her crossword puzzles in english, her knitting, hell even her calling my name all the time for the door or for the phone that is 2 feet away from her so i could get it for her. I miss that and i just wish i didn’t have to miss her.

This shit hurts man, to say the least and I know in my last post i was talking about, how can you flip a bad situation or how could you lift yourself up and change your perspective but man…easy to say/write harder to apply! I mentioned that in the last blog too but i do want to mention that me even writing this i guess is a push in the right/(write) 😉 direction. Im glad i switched my website up to an actual blog though not for nothing because damn, sometimes i want to express myself and talk to a void. Whether someone is reading this or not, this is therapeutic. And yes a journal is somewhat equivalent but for some reason this is much more cathartic. 😅 I mean maybe someone who is also dealing with grief will stumble upon this and relate, you never know.

Grief is so weird because i know that this is just the beginning. With my aunt it didn’t completely hit until a few weeks ago honestly and i feel this time wont be any different. I get it, the circle and cycle of life and all that but i really just wish i got a few more years.

Regardless though even though i am utterly heartbroken i’m lucky enough to have an outlet like writing. Still grieving and probably will be for a while but while i grieve at least i have this healthy coping mechanism. I will never forget my grandmother and really cant wait to see her again, this year has been hard. So heavy but somehow i’m going to hold my head and stay strong. 2020 broke me, no doubt and the good that came out of 2020 will never out weigh the bad, just too heavy.

You won 2020, i hope things only go up from here and somehow 2021 can be good to me and my family. This was rough, hold your loved ones extra close, our time on this earth is borrowed never guaranteed.

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nocturnalxo Uncategorized

2020

Let me start my first personal blog post by telling you how rough 2020 has been for me just like how it has been for many people all over the world. I’ve dealt with losing my job, losing friends and losing a very importantly family member. It’s sad to know that i’m not the only one who has had a very garbage year but now what? For so long i would dwell on where shit went left in my life. For so long i would throw myself pity parties instead of trying to solve the problem and for so long it worked. It worked because i would live in comfortable sadness. I was just surviving. Don’t get me wrong, its okay and you should cry, it’s okay and you should grieve, it’s okay and you should feel things out. It’s when you are comfortable in not feeling content when you should get up and get right.

Everyone knows that life has its ups and downs, everyone knows that life is not easy, even for the people who seem to have it all but what people may know but may not know how to apply is how to pick yourself up when you are feeling down. I’d be lying if i told you i was a pro at it, there are days where i still sulk and have trouble picking myself up. Something that i feel is key to feeling better and the first step is to be kind to yourself. We grow up wanting to achieve so much in our 20s then we get to our 20s and reality hits. It might happen to some but the majority of us will not be where we wanna be from 20 to 29, that’s just life.

What i learned from this hard year was to take things one day at a time, implement good habits because my bad habits were slowly but surely eating away at my mental health. It takes 21 days to build a habit and new years is coming up so why don’t we all look at the things that are hurting us more then helping us. Whether its an unhealthy addiction, bad sleeping habits and not taking our dreams seriously. Trust me when i tell you i’m speaking to myself more than i am to anyone else. Life doesn’t start getting better till you get better. When life hits you with things you can’t control that hurts like losing people or livelihoods, keep scheming! How can you turn your bad situation into a good one? How can you pick yourself up when you are feeling down? Take things one day at a time and Be Kind to yourselves and others.

@nocturnalxo

“Be kind to your body, gentle with your mind and patient with your heart. Stay true to your spirit, cherish your soul and never doubt yourself. You are still becoming, my love, and there is no one more deserving of the nurturing grace of your love.”
― Becca Lee

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nocturnalxo Uncategorized

Changing The Tone Of My Website

Hey everyone, so for the past year i’ve just been blogging my poetry and i still want to every now and then but i also want to focus more on actual blog posts and short stories. Short stories so that i can work on and eventually perfect my fiction writing craft. So just giving you all an update, i plan on publishing a poetry book soon so look out for that. Thank you all for supporting this regular degular imperfect shorty from the bronx. One love. ❤

-nocturnalxo 😉