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Growing Pains

Being human sucks sometimes, in the sense of it’s confusing and intense. We’re told at a very young age that we must grow up and take on full adult responsibilities. It’s normalized to just suck things up and get the job done, and if the going gets rough because it will get rough since this life isn’t meant to be easy, it could be looked at as being a cry baby or immaturity. But maybe 18 really isn’t a mature adult age. In the eyes of the law, yes, but If you think about it, are 18-year-olds really grown? When I look back to me at 18 years old, I see a broken, lost girl who knew herself but didn’t really know how to tap into her capability. A lion in sheep’s clothing following what seemed to be the right path, but it wasn’t my soul’s path. Conforming to society’s idea of success.

And furthermore getting lost in a maze I never unlocked before. I see life hitting me hard with many actualities of what this life really is. Tragedies and trauma from even younger ages but epiphanies of what they really were supposed to mean to me. I also see myself trying to reject reality by overindulging in things that brought me temporary happiness. Whether that be sex, weed, liquor, or material matters like money clothes or stuff that, in reality, was never going to fill that void for me. All of those things seemed fulfilling, but, in hindsight, were fraudulent escapism tools. When you think about it, it’s kinda like wow, all the things that can make you feel good ultimately make you feel bad. And that shit stinks, Life.

“Why everything that supposed to be bad makes me feel so good?” – Kanye West. Knowing me, I’ll put the link below this because that’s the energy I want to discuss in these next few paragraphs. When it is all said and done, moderation is vital, and adjusting to what this life is and acting accordingly will save a lot of people’s sanity, including mine. Another thing about life is, everything is easier said than done. It’s easy to tell someone who is suffering from addiction, whether that be sex addiction, love addiction, drug addiction, social media addiction, etc. To just snap out of it, “focus on your priorities,” but when you don’t understand the type of euphoria it brings, the kind of serotonin and dopamine released. It’s hard to even sympathize with what in your reality seems trivial. It’s easy to say things, but it’s harder to put in the work and do it. Unless that person truly wants to let go of any of their addictions, they won’t. It’s possible because anything is possible, but that feel-good reaction comes rushing back in their memories, and letting it go hurts because maybe reality is not as extraordinary as what they’re abusing.

Letting go from memories seems like something that is also easier said than done. Sometimes when we think about past memories, we only think about the good we don’t think about how that person has hurt us to unforgivable degrees; we just think about when they were extra loving and what made us love them as much as we do. We think about that really lovely high when we couldn’t stop laughing or when music felt so different we don’t think about when we threw up or couldn’t function properly. We think about our first orgasm or just the plenty of times intimacy has brought bliss, we don’t think about that time we were coerced forced or manipulated into performing sexual acts we really didn’t want to perform. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized you were just getting used. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized your partner was not as hygienic as you hoped. Some of these things could bother you as a person; some of these things could be something you could care less about. Some of these things could have happened to you, Some of these things could have not happened to you. And We’re all different, but that doesn’t mean it cannot happen to you.

Although life makes it so that words can come easy and actions to follow those words can be a trial, It does not mean we are not capable. It does not mean we cannot. We are humans, and although our actions on a global scale have given us a bad name slightly, we don’t understand just how powerful we are. Letting go seems to be the cause of a lot of ongoing addictions. Letting go is hard because we want to own those memories; it’s in our subconscious, so why shouldn’t we relive it over and over again? Letting go and lack of self-love, lack of actual knowledge on just how unique our species is. Not only because of the power we hold but the emotions that behold inside of our hearts. To truly let go, we must know that everything we search for externally is already in us.

 

These are the things I’ve seen or experienced all of these things are apart of the human experience. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Having to grow up at a young age, even younger than 18 sometimes for personal reasons, is hard. Our brains aren’t yet fully equipped to handle such a chaotic chain of events, life goes by shortly. It just feels long.   In actuality, it is an illusion. Get into a place in life where you are happy content and having fun and watch time suddenly escape in a blink of an eye. Kinda like the drug DMT if you’ve ever heard of it or taken it. It lasts 15 seconds, but it feels like hours. Of course, it’s a drug, so it’s a little different but.. is it? Is life all just a simulation? But I digress. Striving for maturity as a legal adult is ideal, but maturity takes time to fully reach it’s peak, thus the growing pains that accompany it. I have struggled with overthinking and feeling like I should be a full-grown adult and act like one too; when I’m only twenty years old. Putting pressure on myself to figure things out and suck the heartaches up, but it does not make sense, and it is actually very unhealthy to do so. People around my age, the youth, we have to learn to be kind to ourselves to be aware of how life can pass us by but strive to reach a path where it does most positively.

Life is filled with earthquakes. Some small some large some that will rock your world and some that will shake the ground slightly. And although everything is easier said than done, this life is a test. That’s not an opinion; that’s a fact. A test to see what we can handle, a check on our character, an inspection on our soul. To be ready for what’s beyond, we must first deal with the mundane. To be adequately equipped for the mundane, we must first grow, adjust to reality, and accept our pain. Move on and become our own biggest fans in a way where arrogance doesn’t show, but self love surely glows. We must acknowledge our feelings truly heal and keep our heads up high for the next day. Life is what you make it, and it’s so easy to get lost in the negativity but they always say the easiest path isn’t as rewarding as the path that makes you sweat or makes your heart skip a beat, the road less traveled on. Growing pains, it is hard, and it hurts, but in the end, it all works. Choose the path that will bring you to your higher self, the road that connects your body with your soul. “Nobody said it would be easy they just promised it would be worth it.”-Harvey Mackay

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EGO

Everything I’m about to type I am guilty of.

This society is very ego-driven, meaning we determine our self worth on what we think about ourselves. That doesn’t sound like a bad thing but too much of anything can turn into a demise. We want to believe that in some way shape or form, we are better than the next person. This can cause us to become arrogant and mask it with confidence. I know this because it was once me. It isn’t that we are not special beings, it is the fact that everyone is special in their own ways. We all have things that make us stand out. Whether you are very in touch with your spirit, or you are a very hard worker or you are very empathetic and caring, etc. These things make us stand out but just because we may feel like we are one of one, that does not necessarily mean that it is true. That is something your ego wants you to believe. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying that you should dim your light. All that I’m trying to convey is that starving your ego is healthy and won’t lead to delusion, disappointment or regret.

For example, with me, sometimes when I embrace what makes me unique or different I can unintentionally make others feel less than. Since life is a cycle assemble the uno reverse card for I as well have felt that before with others.  It is not our fault for how other people take things. A lot of times the people who take offense are going through their own circumstances. We tend to use social media as an escape and it becomes very easy to get lost in the sauce. In the age of smartphones, it is very easy to lose touch. It is not like how it began where we would have to log out and log back on when we feel like. The energy stays with us and we tend to take things personally even when it is not meant in that way. Is it our fault? Should we stop being who we are for that? My answer is No. Being mindful and aware of how strong our energy can come off is ideal. Understanding that everyone grows at their own pace and removing yourself from any energy that brings you pain, Strong or not, is the idea. My point is, Moderation is the key. Starving your ego is what we should all do from time to time yet killing your ego can and will lead to low self-esteem and depression

I think a mistake I have made is that in trying desperately to humble myself, I would kill my ego instead of starving it. There is a very fine line but once this is achieved, Aligning with your true purpose will become easier. I will put a link on helpful tips to starve your ego and align with your soul.

 

5 Ways To Starve The Ego

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MY NAME IS DIA

Well, you can refer to me as DIA, which is short for Claudia.

Karina, which is my middle name, or nocturnalxo are preferred if the nickname DIA doesn’t rock your world. whatever you decide this is the story of my life… totally joking you’d have to pay me for that one but this will be a place where i face something that i have noticed to be my biggest fear. Being completely transparent and vulnerable. With that being said, what you can expect is a great deal of poetry, thoughts and self reflection. Knowing me i will definitely add lyrics and quotes.

Maybe if i feel bold enough short stories but just know i am a fiction writer. Just a little background information though, I’ve been writing since about 8 or 9. I used to write fan fiction and post it on YouTube and i’m one of those people who will bring that up until death because i was pretty successful, for a 8/9 year old. My insecurities were pretty successful as well though. I hid behind a username and only those closest to me knew about it. If i only had kept going perhaps i would have a Netflix movie out by now. Life took over and i kind of strayed away from my dreams. Either way, everything happens for a reason. Although that is such a cliche thing that people usually only say to make themselves feel better i have seen it to be true in ways that may or may not be evident with my future blog posts. As in I’ve gained a lot of experience and new perspectives that perhaps can and will make my writing better and better but, you be the judge. This is my first ever blog i loved the show AWKWARD but never even imagined creating my own. If im being honest i can’t completely tell you what im going to say, all i know is i have a lot to say and a lot of feelings so for all you emotionally crippled folks you might not wanna tune in. I can get pretty intense.

So All in All like Demi sang ” This is real, this is me I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me And now I’ve found who I am
There’s no way to hold it in No more hiding who I want to be”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv3KA6onF0w