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Insomnia

They say, there’s no rest for the Wicked

But is it Wickedness or Weakness ?

Word to K.Dot I’m tryna embody his uniqueness

With a splash of me in between

A Conscious Devoted Poetic Queen.

Who struggles just like you and me

I don’t got the answers Im not Sway Calloway or anyone in between

But what I will say is that I do pray that my Homicidal Toxicity

Soon lifts up out and turns to grey

My spirit wants to sleep but the insomnia wants to shout

My soul wants to leap but the weed wants to pout

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep

Overactive mind but I wanna tweet

Something deep inside needs to switch sides

Because I’m over it, I’m on Summer Walkers line

Lord knows I need some peace of mind, this shit really ain’t it

Shout out to Lauryn Hill that woman is a dime

But back to the point I need to slow down my membrane

I’d be damned if Once again I’m back with the insanes

Lord give me some guidance because I’m feeling lost

I don’t know what happened

If only they knew just how far the darkness seeps through

But I cover it up real nice

Fuck around put it on a bow tie it twice

It’s better off this way sometimes

I think Atleast, anyway

Regardless of it all Ima still be ok.

@nocturnalxo

Side Note: The music I add at the end of my works usually embody the energy for it. Or the song inspired me so I’m giving it credit and showing luv ❤️

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Problem Child

Just take another pill

Shit I feel like you will

Cus the way that last one left you really didn’t fill any pain you don’t want to feel

I don’t know how it got to this

Recreational pleasures turned to taking it regardless of the deadly consequence

And trust me I haven’t even lost my senses

Not yet atleast because at the pace I’m going ima just give it about 2 weeks.

Tears in my eyes I’m so confused inside

What does this life mean? What is it supposed to be?

The game of life to me seems like torture

A hell created specifically for us

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

I Had my first real heart break at 5

15 years later it’s feels hard to be alive

Not because of that, it happens to many

But because of the cards I’ve been dealt with

I feel like I’ve suffered plenty

And so the pain, it has layers.

Because I’ve covered it up with bandaids and left it to be cleaned up for later

How can I cope? Pick up some dope

How can I feel good inside ? Pick up those pills and fly

How can I go numb? succumb to the Henny and come

To the land of Euphoria

That’s the story for ya

Dark Twisted & Sick.

I’ll never say it aloud but that’s the road I’m headed in

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Sun & Moon

The sun is setting

So the moon can rise

Both on opposite sides yet they still do shine

In different ways for the sun will blind you with its rays

While the moon simply illuminates

Oh what a love story

Still told till this day

Dimming your light so others can shine bright

So every dawn the moon would die

So the sun could shine it’s radiating ray lights

And when the sun would set

The moon comes in luminous so no one would fret

For there’s always a light to look forward to

If it wasn’t for the sun, would the moon shine so bright?

If the only reason the moon gives you moonlight is that the sun reflects its daylight

A dynamic duo

Taboo love but it’s as determined as Pluto

And maybe when we’ve reached the end of time, the two bright lights can collide

In an ideal world perhaps

Until then

they’ll steal glances from dawn to dusk

the love they share would just entirely run amuck

so in a way, it’s all okay

everything has its time, maybe one day

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Happy Sunday

Sunshine is strictly my mission

To live every day with only one condition

To thank God for the fact that I woke up while other bodies weren’t in that position

To smile every day and train my mind to be grateful that I have risen

I say that because i don’t want to live in a pessimistic prison

Listen! Because the darkness is quick to devour

The darkness can sometimes easily over power

But yes while living in complete reality

As a realist is ideal

I will still try to keep the rose tinted glasses on

That’s how I feel

Because living in misery just feels wrong

Growing with positivity reigning on my soul positivity like the sun that encourages me to continue to grow

Yet still, there is pain and disappointments that can be felt every day

I know it’s a cliche, but that won’t stop me from saying

The sun rises after every long night

Be that sun that gets up after every moonlight

Your psyche determines a lot of things

Determines if you’ll forever see that bad or let freedom ring

Free your mind of the enslavement it can go through sometimes

Let it bring the fertilizer to reign in

Breathe that fresh air and feel that sun because this life ain’t too generous to some

It’s the little things that will continue to keep us going

So don’t stop now because your path is still unfolding

Live in the now

Think with the sun

And walk to the sky

Nothing is impossible in the life we live, so try

@nocturnalxo

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Poetry Is For

Poetry is for the unexpressed souls

Poetry is for the creatives that need the juice to flow

Poetry is for the hearts that need healing

Poetry is for the minds to decipher the meaning

Poetry is for love and heart

Mind and street smarts

Poetry is for the soul like fertilizer for the creative planting hole

Like the sun that washes away all of the rainy tears we experience in multiple ways

Or the moon that illuminates the dark we fear

Poetry is for the song that must be sung

Or the heart that needs the alarm to be rung

For different perspectives on life

Poetry is for you and I and all peoples of every walk of life

Whether we create it as our mission

Or we read it just so our spirit can listen

Whether we spit it so the ground can tremble

Or we hear it so the chills can continue through our vessels

It’s an art that requires soul

An art that requires empathy to unfold

It’s not about the rhyme scheme

Or the similes, metaphors or double entendres 

And although all that adds to the beauty

It’s the message and how it’s delivered

That makes others shiver

So next time you hear it or read it maybe even write it or deal it

Just realize the power of words

Others will try to belittle it

But the power of being heard

Is a power we all desire

We have it in our hands, our hearts and mind’s eye

so be sure to thank your higher power 

⁃ @nocturnal

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The Alchemy of Pain

Growing up without a father left me feeling empty

Searching for things that would fill the void it left me

Searching for things that didn’t accurately align with my purpose

Things that set me back I wonder if it was all on purpose

If I was meant to have to learn from all these lessons

The stress this life gave me also came with many blessings

But when I look back i try to find exactly what made me

The trauma did it made me stronger

Strong to fight with bravery

Strong to fight so nothing on this earth can genuinely phase me

and when I look back, I used to want to be so perfect

Not knowing that the trauma made me grow so I can thirst this

thirst for a purpose that would make me feel so free,

desire for all of the knowledge I could gain in these crooked streetz

I didn’t have a father to teach me the full game

just a lot of family that wanted to and tried to help me gain

higher self-esteem to look at myself positively

let the feeling of it all being my fault go, so I could breathe

that empty feeling, I had to fix within my soul

I couldn’t understand it left me feeling like this life just continues to take tolls

like love was war and that I needed a man

like I could do nothing on my own, and I needed a helping hand

I went through many trials

trials and tribulations

I almost pressed the dial

I almost couldn’t face it

I didn’t understand why my life was such a hit and miss

but then something clicked it took a while, but I began to predict

had visions of a life that I could see

A life that was designed perfectly for you and me

A life where you won’t have to suffer and then die

A life where dreams come true and all I did was open my eyes

because this life cant really be such a grand chore

as long as you work for what you want, there will always be more

I realized that life is really what you make it

I learned after certain trips

that left me stranded in the Himalayas

I’m still not perfect but trust me when I tell you

I do stay growing cause this life will continue to test you

The alchemy of pain is the knowledge that I gained and how its flourishing

The passion that remains, build it up if the pain has left any stains

because something that is true is that we’re here for a short time so just do you

@nocturnalxo

 

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Growing Pains

Being human sucks sometimes, in the sense of it’s confusing and intense. We’re told at a very young age that we must grow up and take on full adult responsibilities. It’s normalized to just suck things up and get the job done, and if the going gets rough because it will get rough since this life isn’t meant to be easy, it could be looked at as being a cry baby or immaturity. But maybe 18 really isn’t a mature adult age. In the eyes of the law, yes, but If you think about it, are 18-year-olds really grown? When I look back to me at 18 years old, I see a broken, lost girl who knew herself but didn’t really know how to tap into her capability. A lion in sheep’s clothing following what seemed to be the right path, but it wasn’t my soul’s path. Conforming to society’s idea of success.

And furthermore getting lost in a maze I never unlocked before. I see life hitting me hard with many actualities of what this life really is. Tragedies and trauma from even younger ages but epiphanies of what they really were supposed to mean to me. I also see myself trying to reject reality by overindulging in things that brought me temporary happiness. Whether that be sex, weed, liquor, or material matters like money clothes or stuff that, in reality, was never going to fill that void for me. All of those things seemed fulfilling, but, in hindsight, were fraudulent escapism tools. When you think about it, it’s kinda like wow, all the things that can make you feel good ultimately make you feel bad. And that shit stinks, Life.

“Why everything that supposed to be bad makes me feel so good?” – Kanye West. Knowing me, I’ll put the link below this because that’s the energy I want to discuss in these next few paragraphs. When it is all said and done, moderation is vital, and adjusting to what this life is and acting accordingly will save a lot of people’s sanity, including mine. Another thing about life is, everything is easier said than done. It’s easy to tell someone who is suffering from addiction, whether that be sex addiction, love addiction, drug addiction, social media addiction, etc. To just snap out of it, “focus on your priorities,” but when you don’t understand the type of euphoria it brings, the kind of serotonin and dopamine released. It’s hard to even sympathize with what in your reality seems trivial. It’s easy to say things, but it’s harder to put in the work and do it. Unless that person truly wants to let go of any of their addictions, they won’t. It’s possible because anything is possible, but that feel-good reaction comes rushing back in their memories, and letting it go hurts because maybe reality is not as extraordinary as what they’re abusing.

Letting go from memories seems like something that is also easier said than done. Sometimes when we think about past memories, we only think about the good we don’t think about how that person has hurt us to unforgivable degrees; we just think about when they were extra loving and what made us love them as much as we do. We think about that really lovely high when we couldn’t stop laughing or when music felt so different we don’t think about when we threw up or couldn’t function properly. We think about our first orgasm or just the plenty of times intimacy has brought bliss, we don’t think about that time we were coerced forced or manipulated into performing sexual acts we really didn’t want to perform. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized you were just getting used. Or the feeling of disgust when you realized your partner was not as hygienic as you hoped. Some of these things could bother you as a person; some of these things could be something you could care less about. Some of these things could have happened to you, Some of these things could have not happened to you. And We’re all different, but that doesn’t mean it cannot happen to you.

Although life makes it so that words can come easy and actions to follow those words can be a trial, It does not mean we are not capable. It does not mean we cannot. We are humans, and although our actions on a global scale have given us a bad name slightly, we don’t understand just how powerful we are. Letting go seems to be the cause of a lot of ongoing addictions. Letting go is hard because we want to own those memories; it’s in our subconscious, so why shouldn’t we relive it over and over again? Letting go and lack of self-love, lack of actual knowledge on just how unique our species is. Not only because of the power we hold but the emotions that behold inside of our hearts. To truly let go, we must know that everything we search for externally is already in us.

 

These are the things I’ve seen or experienced all of these things are apart of the human experience. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Having to grow up at a young age, even younger than 18 sometimes for personal reasons, is hard. Our brains aren’t yet fully equipped to handle such a chaotic chain of events, life goes by shortly. It just feels long.   In actuality, it is an illusion. Get into a place in life where you are happy content and having fun and watch time suddenly escape in a blink of an eye. Kinda like the drug DMT if you’ve ever heard of it or taken it. It lasts 15 seconds, but it feels like hours. Of course, it’s a drug, so it’s a little different but.. is it? Is life all just a simulation? But I digress. Striving for maturity as a legal adult is ideal, but maturity takes time to fully reach it’s peak, thus the growing pains that accompany it. I have struggled with overthinking and feeling like I should be a full-grown adult and act like one too; when I’m only twenty years old. Putting pressure on myself to figure things out and suck the heartaches up, but it does not make sense, and it is actually very unhealthy to do so. People around my age, the youth, we have to learn to be kind to ourselves to be aware of how life can pass us by but strive to reach a path where it does most positively.

Life is filled with earthquakes. Some small some large some that will rock your world and some that will shake the ground slightly. And although everything is easier said than done, this life is a test. That’s not an opinion; that’s a fact. A test to see what we can handle, a check on our character, an inspection on our soul. To be ready for what’s beyond, we must first deal with the mundane. To be adequately equipped for the mundane, we must first grow, adjust to reality, and accept our pain. Move on and become our own biggest fans in a way where arrogance doesn’t show, but self love surely glows. We must acknowledge our feelings truly heal and keep our heads up high for the next day. Life is what you make it, and it’s so easy to get lost in the negativity but they always say the easiest path isn’t as rewarding as the path that makes you sweat or makes your heart skip a beat, the road less traveled on. Growing pains, it is hard, and it hurts, but in the end, it all works. Choose the path that will bring you to your higher self, the road that connects your body with your soul. “Nobody said it would be easy they just promised it would be worth it.”-Harvey Mackay

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Part I, II & III

 

PT . I

I can only blame myself

 

That’s what makes me wanna scream

 

I don’t regret a thing

 

But I wish I did things differently

 

I can only blame myself

 

I wanna forgive but the memories are still healing

where is my will to live?

Why the hell am I still grieving?

What you did was close to stealing

My sunny go lucky disposition

not only that but after it all i lost all ambition

Dealing with the pain of having a significant other

bite you with his fangs

The pang gave me mental illness

you gave me PTSD when you put your hands on me

I quickly went to blame myself I said

 

I can only blame me

 

And although time heals all wounds

the time has surely shown just how easily I can bruise

 

I still cannot believe that I was watering dead trees

trying so hard to resurrect so many dead things

 

I can only blame myself

 

I saw the bark withering away

 

And still, I decided to continue to give other pieces of me

 

I can only blame myself

 

For not knowing then what I know now

 

The answer was in front of my face so how

 

How did I not see how?

 

you were never meant for me

 

An illusion of what I wanted you to be

 

I can only blame myself

 

And although positivity is a virtue

 

When I look back I think of all the things I didn’t do

 

Not for us but for me

 

I can only blame myself for my current lack of self-esteem

 

PT. II

New-season different reasons

same old numbing pain

I no longer blame myself I know that’s a dangerous game to play

and yet here I am still heartbroken

do I ever learn? am I waiting and watching for my soul to burn?

internally because it seems to me

that I haven’t learned my lessons

so many blessings but disaster is always what I’m left with

Tears fill the echo of the room

It’s noisy and yet the focus is still on us two

Tears that I didn’t mean to drop

Tears that make my heart go nonstop

I try to look away but I still feel your gaze

Embarrassment rushes through my visible veins

I wish I could take that day away

Being vulnerable.

Don’t know if I’ll ever conquer it

My vulnerability makes me feel like

I’m on a never landing sky rocket

Who knew my feelings could run this deep especially after all that was done to me

I sure didn’t and now I can’t sleep

you weren’t the cause of my primary pain and yet I was still able to have you leave a stain

Living rent-free in my brain and it’s pitiful

I brought this energy into the new year and it’s critical

That I end this vicious cycle

Because I’m the one that’s hurting

The heart wants what it wants but I was still a burden

for using my emotions

I may not be right but I know I wasn’t chosen

which is fine I’ve been down this road before

maybe now I can see what I’m genuinely living for

PT. III

There’s more to life

I must move on I must do right

When will I change?

When will I rewrite

The cons of me feeling so incomplete

When will I feel full without someone else to a certain degree

I must be deranged

It all seems so strange

The dream I had was intense but I took it too far

Now I have to pick up my own pieces

A messy galore

Being independent is what I am

But sometimes I wish I could have a helping hand

Enough of that pity party I came in alone

So here I go doing the one thing I know

Being strong moving on

No longer holding on to all the sadness

suppressing things that had to be put into the blackness

into my void, contained all noise

Is it healthy? I don’t know but I do know I’ll get past this

Thank God for expression

I need to learn my lesson

So another sleepless night isn’t spent

If I’m lucky one day I will become my own best friend

@nocturnalxo