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grief nocturnalxo

Grief.

Damn 2020, That was way harsh.

I have to really just blog this one out because this year has really been the worst. Worse than the year my life got derailed which is saying a lot. Lets start with the fact that personally, i never actually grieved an immediate family member live before this year. When my grandfather died i was a toddler but still i grieved him when i was like 8 just because i wish he had more time and i wish i could have really got to know him. This year though, this year showed me what it was like to grieve someone live, and man does it hurt.

My Aunt fell from some stairs at the end of September, she was in a coma and then died at home. I had to watch her die slowly and it was the hardest thing i’ve ever dealt with personally. That’s where all the great aunt poetry stemmed from. Now, my Grandmother got infected with covid-19 and died from pneumonia today. Difficult situation to say the least, back to back shots, i wish i could turn back the clock! I wrote that in a poem but yeah i just wanted to write right now. I have poems im going to post because oddly enough when i got the news all this emo creativity came to me. All i know is that if i thought i was strong before, now i will really see if i’m strong.

My grandmother, mama patria was thee mother. She was all of my close friends extra grandmother and all of my mothers friends extra mother, she was just the shit. Funny with so much personality. Mischievous and loved sports. Her crossword puzzles in english, her knitting, hell even her calling my name all the time for the door or for the phone that is 2 feet away from her so i could get it for her. I miss that and i just wish i didn’t have to miss her.

This shit hurts man, to say the least and I know in my last post i was talking about, how can you flip a bad situation or how could you lift yourself up and change your perspective but man…easy to say/write harder to apply! I mentioned that in the last blog too but i do want to mention that me even writing this i guess is a push in the right/(write) 😉 direction. Im glad i switched my website up to an actual blog though not for nothing because damn, sometimes i want to express myself and talk to a void. Whether someone is reading this or not, this is therapeutic. And yes a journal is somewhat equivalent but for some reason this is much more cathartic. 😅 I mean maybe someone who is also dealing with grief will stumble upon this and relate, you never know.

Grief is so weird because i know that this is just the beginning. With my aunt it didn’t completely hit until a few weeks ago honestly and i feel this time wont be any different. I get it, the circle and cycle of life and all that but i really just wish i got a few more years.

Regardless though even though i am utterly heartbroken i’m lucky enough to have an outlet like writing. Still grieving and probably will be for a while but while i grieve at least i have this healthy coping mechanism. I will never forget my grandmother and really cant wait to see her again, this year has been hard. So heavy but somehow i’m going to hold my head and stay strong. 2020 broke me, no doubt and the good that came out of 2020 will never out weigh the bad, just too heavy.

You won 2020, i hope things only go up from here and somehow 2021 can be good to me and my family. This was rough, hold your loved ones extra close, our time on this earth is borrowed never guaranteed.

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nocturnalxo Uncategorized

I

I love myself enough

To know when enough is enough

I love myself so much

That i cant deal with the same old tired stuff

I love myself enough to know

That i am worth much more than heartbreak and scorn

I love myself enough to leave situations that always end up leaving me torn

I love myself so much so i am my number 1 pick

Im on the top of my list and nothing you say can stop this

I love myself enough to stay on my grind

And pick myself up and dust myself off time after time

I love myself so much, i really am a divine.

@nocturnalxo

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Different Cell

Same trials, different cell

Same struggle, different hell

Same heart, different wells

Karma comes and gets it still

Protect the hearts who beat through the stain

And smile through the pain

Living life insane but its normal in the rain

@nocturnalxo

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Problem Child

Just take another pill

Shit I feel like you will

Cus the way that last one left you really didn’t fill any pain you don’t want to feel

I don’t know how it got to this

Recreational pleasures turned to taking it regardless of the deadly consequence

And trust me I haven’t even lost my senses

Not yet atleast because at the pace I’m going ima just give it about 2 weeks.

Tears in my eyes I’m so confused inside

What does this life mean? What is it supposed to be?

The game of life to me seems like torture

A hell created specifically for us

Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.

I Had my first real heart break at 5

15 years later it’s feels hard to be alive

Not because of that, it happens to many

But because of the cards I’ve been dealt with

I feel like I’ve suffered plenty

And so the pain, it has layers.

Because I’ve covered it up with bandaids and left it to be cleaned up for later

How can I cope? Pick up some dope

How can I feel good inside ? Pick up those pills and fly

How can I go numb? succumb to the Henny and come

To the land of Euphoria

That’s the story for ya

Dark Twisted & Sick.

I’ll never say it aloud but that’s the road I’m headed in

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LOVE

I don’t want a love that i have to fight for

I don’t want a love that makes me feel unworthy or makes me deal with gaslight nor

Do I want a love that contradicts who i am

Don’t want to question myself over any man

Don’t need a love that makes me go insane or question my brain

I want a love that makes me love myself more

Makes me see all that i bring to the door

A love that only validates my true power

One that helps me grow into a beautiful flower

In all reality i want a love that is unconditional

Something i can give to myself as it wont be minimal

A love called self

A love that will never put me on the bottom shelf

A love everlasting

A love that does not need any form of fasting

A love which is true

The best love you can give yourself is loving you

@nocturnalxo

 

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All That I Need

I’m really all that i need

Its truly beautiful that i finally see

It took me long enough to genuinely believe

That all the beauty i see in you i can also see in me

I’m really all that i need

Of course loneliness is something that still happens to me

I tap in and see how harmonious i am alone as i continue to grow

Because without my self love than i am truly alone

The potential that i have goes on for centuries

Once i set that potential in motion my success will run as deep as the pacific ocean

And when i focus on the positive i let go all of my miseries

When i legitimately dive in deep

I see how i thrive when i believe in me

So believe in you

Because true love develops when you grow the seed of truth

That once we initiate that unconditional love within

There is nothing holding us back to win

@nocturnalxo