The wind felt bitter cold, and I could feel myself getting sick. That’s December in Connecticut for you though. I almost couldn’t get out of bed today, and it made me wonder about seasonal depression. It seems like a real thing, but lately, it’s been feeling like more than just that. Isn’t Seasonal depression a temporary thing? Hence the word seasonal? Regardless, The feelings I’ve been carrying around have been heavy since my first memory. Although I would have loved to stay in bed all day and sleep like I’m in hibernation, I have too many people who depend on me to do that. So, although I dreaded getting up today and seeing the snow, responsibilities needed to be tended to. As I’m walking towards my car, I pass by my reflection, and I almost flinch. My work uniform looks dirty, and my hair looks like it hasn’t been picked out or touched in days. I sigh and keep it moving, it is what it is.
“Damon.” I heard a familiar girl’s voice call my name, So I broke my neck looking for anyone who would meet my eyes. Because it happened to be 5:30AM, the streets were practically empty. I shake my head, and immediately my mind goes to the fact that I fell asleep late, I didn’t even get the chance to eat breakfast. I wasn’t entirely convinced that that was the reason why I heard the voice. When I finally get to my car and enter it, for some odd reason, the vehicle felt already warmed up. This made my anxiety reach maximum potential, and I started to feel this gut-wrenching feeling as if someone was in my car or someone was watching me. I know how to defend myself, but I didn’t feel like even having to resort to that, I was too tired for all that extra energy to be wasted. My paranoia was knocking on the door, and my intuition was telling me to stay put and see what is up, but the time was telling me that if I don’t start driving, I was going to be late. So I said myself I’m just tired and I did not take these feelings seriously. I thought of my mother, who had just lost her job, and I thought of my little sister, who probably was not going to get everything on her Christmas list because of that. Before I knew it, I put the key in the ignition and got the car going.
It almost felt like I was on autopilot. My eyelids were heavy, and the highway was pretty empty. I thought I had everything under control until I heard that same voice call my name again, which made me jump. I was holding on to the steering wheel, and as I hopped with my hands still holding on to the steering wheel, I accidentally dragged the wheel to the right. I wasn’t completely aware of my surroundings, I didn’t see the car speeding recklessly to my right and what should have only been a scare turned into a full-blown nasty accident. What I saw after the accident is what will stay imprinted in my mind for the rest of my life. I saw the whole accident while it was happening. I saw my car colliding with the other vehicle, and even worse, My foot was still on the gas, blame it on shock, and I watched it flip and crash into the exit ramp. I saw the Drunk driver get out of his car and get arrested, I saw my lifeless body, and what was even scarier, I saw and mostly felt a powerful figure next to me, staring at me. I can’t remember the face, but I do remember the brown eyes speaking to my soul. “Was it worth it?” was one of the things that no matter how hard I try, I can not get out of my mind. I remember the feeling of sincere sorrow, regret, and fear. I wasn’t ready to die, and I knew that very well, I felt it. My Mother, My little sister, and my Partner all came into my mind. The figure next to me examined me while I was having a breakdown, and I felt the empathy and rapport of this figure. As soon as I did, all those negative feelings went away.
I woke up in the hospital with all my loved ones around. Even people who I thought did not really care for me had sent kindhearted messages to my phone. I was in a coma for 1 week. Which was crazy to me because I saw my lifeless body. I saw myself dead I was even able to describe the whole accident to my doctor. After I received physical therapy, The doctor told me I was lucky to have made a full recovery and no permanent neurological damage. They had told my family that I might not make it because of the swelling in my brain and how I was unresponsive to the treatment. Growing up, I never really attended church or thought about God. My life was intense, and I didn’t have the foundation of religion or spirituality.
My parents were too focused on their dying relationship. I used to think about it a lot as I grew up, but I was not educated on any religion, and as I grew older, my life of sin grew taller. Religion seemed imaginary, and I could not afford to live in an imaginary world. Life was hard enough to get caught up in the abstract world. After that accident, once I was cleared to go back to work, I told my boss I need Sundays off to rest. I was compelled to. To my surprise, she was more than happy to oblige. I started educating myself on different religions; none of them really seemed appealing for me personally, but I kept seeing crosses everywhere, so I assumed all this was leading me to Jesus Christ. To this day, I wonder if the figure was Jesus, but when I started researching religions, I saw that Christians believe that God and Jesus are the same, so I’m sure it was. Although I side-eye the bible every time I pick it up because of the history of it, I tried to keep an open mind. Once I did, I realized that God gave us free will, and we can not blame God for mankind. I started getting epiphanies on why God created such flawed humans. My personal belief is we are in this dimension to learn lessons and evolve. Once we have completed those lessons and have evolved, we can ascend. I now know how much wisdom is in every religious book, regardless. The Quran, The Torah, The Bible, etc. I knew that even being able to try and change my life or try and acknowledge a higher power was a blessing. Not many people get the opportunity to receive.
Regardless of my Spiritual beliefs, I must say the fact that I got away with causing an accident has weighed heavy on my soul. Although I am a firm believer that everything we go through is by design, I’m human, and my guilty conscious started taking over my mind. I started seeing a therapist which was long overdue if you ask me. The therapist reinforced the thought that if it was not me who would have gotten into the accident, it would have been someone else. Driving drunk and Driving tired is equivalent to statistically speaking. Although I understand she was doing her job in trying to ease my guilt, I take full responsibility. Whenever I see I am not going to get enough sleep to function correctly and have an early shift the next morning, I always send a message to my Superior to weigh out my options.