Categories
grief nocturnalxo

(W)hole

I don’t know what i can say to make the pain go away

I dont know how i can act that will distract me from the fact

That since you’ve been gone its hard to move on

Since you have left the after effects is eating me to death

I try to hold it in and put on a brave face

But i live with the reminder that one day you were here and the next day you disappeared

One day you held me tight now i have to visualize you in order to be alright

When you left, a hole from the ceiling came

It still hasn’t been fixed.

I like to look at that as a metaphor for the hole in my heart that i just ignore

The feeling that, it will take me so long in order to feel whole again

Makes me sicker everyday as the mold begins to accumulate and enter my lungs slowly helping me wither away

Mentally and emotionally i can say your death has done the same.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Still Grieving

It’s been kind of hard for me to follow through with my creations, if I can be transparent. I have this story I’ve been writing and I don’t really have the motivation to pull through. I know I will get it done but I’m the type of person that I can be hard on myself, so when I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing or what I think I’m supposed to be doing it becomes me vs me.

Since my grandmother died a month ago, I’ve been distracting myself and trying to help people around me heal but when I’m faced with myself, I have all these emotions I’ve just been ignoring, just bottling up ready for an eruption. Grieving has been extra difficult because my focus for the past month has been on my mother and not on me and to be truthful I feel like my emotions haven’t been nurtured at all. I haven’t been selfish enough. Which might sound funny but at a certain point if you are hurting as well there’s nothing wrong with focusing on yourself and making yourself the top priority. In fact that’s how it should be in the first place but I’m the type of person who thinks of another persons feelings and then my own and that is so toxic.

Even if nobody cares or reads this. even if I get nothing out of my blog. My emotions, my mental health, me…I gets some sort of relief. I can play the sims for so long and listen to happy music that I don’t feel at the moment for so long until my true emotions catch up to me. Lately I’ve been thinking about the importance of friends. When my grandma died I didn’t really have anyone to cry too at the funeral besides family and I didn’t really want to cry with my family because even though they genuinely felt my pain I didn’t want to add on to theirs, crazy right? Doesn’t even make sense now that I reflect. But yeah I saw all my cousins friends and even my brothers friends and I felt like I didn’t have anyone who went out of their way to comfort me. Which I understand is because of corona but also because I do not get close to people anymore, I do not let people too close to me. Also haven’t been the best judger of character on who deserves to be my friend and who doesn’t but that’s something I am working on. Cutting off half ass friends is something I have been trying to accomplish.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of friends reach out to me via text giving me the opportunity to confide but I never took up those kinds of offers because we all know that things are different over text. It wasn’t until I hung out with my friend the other day that I actually broke down. That’s when I realized I’ve created this emotional block within myself where I don’t allow myself to feel things, I just suppress things. I realized I do that with anything that I find traumatic. I see now that the only way I can help myself is to talk about things instead of keeping it in, in fear of judgement or being looked at differently. It truly does not matter.

I’ve always had loner tendencies, the whole I’m better off alone mindset because my personality is not for everybody. So yeah maybe personally I’m better off with less people than more but I’m not better off alone. I believe nobody is, no matter what others say to make themselves feel better.

I read back my first blog and thought to myself, wow well you didn’t expect another death at all huh? I thought to myself, how can I help myself and take my own advice when I had two deaths in my family hit me back to back. I realized that I’m not taking my own advice. I give some great advice to others but when the time comes I fumble. I’m glad I’m seeing this behavior at 21 because just by writing this blog post I feel like this is helping me heal. Writing.

All this to say that my first personal blog really does help me remember that I have to keep trying to be my best self while also taking it easy with myself. It’s no longer 2020 but at the end of the day, the lingering effects of 2020 remain. Especially since I lost such a V.ery I.mportant P.erson in my life at the end of 2020. To think that other people are also going through such devastation does not help me feel better, it makes me feel worse. It makes me want to go down a rabbit hole of pessimistic ideas of how things could have and should have been different. So I say that to say, activities that keep my mind off my pain help me cope, but it does not help me heal. I think that can be applied to anything from trying to look at the bright side/ bad side to over indulging completely on things like social media or TV Shows/Movies. Nothing wrong with it but really do see the difference between coping and healing. I’m going to try and be strong for myself and I hope anyone who is reading this who is having a hard time does the same, peace. –@nocturnalxo