My Month Of June

I went from posting every few days to monthly, which is quite alright with me since i was posting all my creative works so frequently for free at that :’) but hey! I just wanted to update my readers on my month of June and also let you all know about my newest interest which is streaming on twitch and youtube. At the end i will link to both and maybe you guys can check me out! I plan on actually reciting the poetry i did write on there as well as other kind of videos so i think the audience i gained here might like it.

Honestly June was a blur, the most memorable thing is that i got out of my anti social bag and i am slowly starting to become me again. Which is nice, i spent most of june trying to help out in cleaning since my apartment has been plagued with renovations that the super starts but never finishes which left the crib a mess and you know what they say, when your space is messy… you’re mind is messy. I stopped smoking weed, i dont know if i wrote that in my last blog post but i actually really have been fine and have no interest in it. Not to shame anyone who does it, just not for me. I gained a lot of the confidence that i lost and am actually seriously considering going back to school and going forward with my life. I let my trauma really hold me down and the disappointments of romantic affairs keep me in this stagnant space and i had to snap out of it and fix my priorities. Im back in the gym and my self esteem is growing to where it should be.

So although life is not exactly where i thought it would be when i was a teenager, i learned in order for me to be happy i need to loosen the grip and pressure i have on myself. Live in the present and be grateful for every second. 2020 taught me that every day is truly a gift. We lost so many lives, we are blessed to still be alive. i may proclaim to be a master piece (word to Jazmine Sullivan) but i’m still a work in progress and everyday i compete with who i used to be so that i can continue to grow and become better. So thats why i decided to truly believe in myself and put myself out there more. I will never expect to be an overnight sensation, good things take time! Im almost at 5k viewers overall on this site and although that may not be much for others its more than enough for me. Especially since this is my very unofficial blog. I thank every single person who keeps up with it whether i know you or not, to know that someone cares and likes my writing whether its creative or just my blogs it really does mean the world. Okay now i’m going to drop my links to youtube and Twitch and maybe you guys can follow/ subscribe! Thank you again for keeping up with me.

@nocturnalxo

https://youtube.com/channel/UC9QSeOKt722hKo9Lmh2nXsQ

https://www.twitch.tv/nocturnalsims

Fragile

i come in peace

With good intentions as the masterpiece i am

I come with an abundance of love

Ready to pour into your cup

But dont hurt me, im fragile

And dont play me cus i just cant handle

When things arent what they seem

Im a what you see is what you get type

So when things become a mirage

And when the hate has now camouflaged

My fragility turns into strength

Because i take that pain and i go on to paint it into these words

And thats where my fragility becomes my biggest asset. My greatest strength.

My ability to fix myself up after every fall

Every broken piece, i lost them all

And still i am.

–@nocturnalxo

Deranged

Feeling like i need you to save me

Hanging on the edge, im feeling so crazy

Deranged deranged deranged

Its strange the way it rains

Once things don’t go your way

Wont stop till it has changed

In ways i can’t explain

Maybe one day things will get better

Look outside, theres such great weather

Maybe one day my mindset will switch

And realize all the beauty inside of this

World so full of chances

World we often take for granted

Deranged deranged deranged

Its strange the way it rains

I try my best to switch lanes

And look at the brighter side of things

–@nocturnalxo

(W)hole

I don’t know what i can say to make the pain go away

I dont know how i can act that will distract me from the fact

That since you’ve been gone its hard to move on

Since you have left the after effects is eating me to death

I try to hold it in and put on a brave face

But i live with the reminder that one day you were here and the next day you disappeared

One day you held me tight now i have to visualize you in order to be alright

When you left, a hole from the ceiling came

It still hasn’t been fixed.

I like to look at that as a metaphor for the hole in my heart that i just ignore

The feeling that, it will take me so long in order to feel whole again

Makes me sicker everyday as the mold begins to accumulate and enter my lungs slowly helping me wither away

Mentally and emotionally i can say your death has done the same.

–@nocturnalxo

Emma

I see the morning sky and i think of you at times when im lonely and to myself

Memories come to my mind since it hasn’t been much time since you left to paradise

And i cry because i miss you but also because i wish i was with you

And ill be mourning forever because the house has bad weather since you’ve been gone

Silent storms take on new forms to further try to numb my emotions

But no matter how much i cope in ways that should leave me numb im still always back to square one

I dont know what else to say that hasn’t already been said

I miss you and i wish i could see you again

@nocturnalxo

An Ode To My Great Aunt

Its all hitting me at once

If i knew that was the last time i was going to see you

I would have hugged you harder and reassured my love had only gotten stronger

Even when the disease in your brain took my person away

I never forgot that shred of you that still remained, That shred of you that would take me to the park to play games

As a youngin but now id be frontin’ If i told you i cried when i heard the news

Because now as the decision to pull the plug comes closer

The tears in my eyes seem to flow with more force so

Yeah, Its all hitting me at once.

I prayed and prayed for your well state

From the minute you were diagnosed back in the 7th grade and we took you in to give you a place to stay

But i told God that this life for you is misery

Imagine if you ended up losing your memory

And now i regret it because i feel guilty like it was because of me

Like if i was in that lobby maybe i could have caught you

You told me your time was coming but i lacked to take it seriously

Your Dementia and Alzheimer’s would make you say anything

But i just want you to know that i just want your soul to glow and grow

And if you’ve reached past this mortal humanly ground than i understand if you have to go

Although i wish i could keep you around it still feels selfish somehow

90 summers you’ve lived

so safe travels if you end up with kin in the sky and tell them all that the kid said hi.

–@nocturnalxo

Animosity

The animosity

Is slowly haunting me

Went from super close to you barely talking to me

Was it jealousy? Or even envy?

That built a wedge between you and me?

I dont pretend to be

The picture perfect heavenly

Girl next door like you may be

But the animosity

Feels like its haunting me

Was it my fault?

Could it have been you?

I always had love for you

You know what? i know i still do

Even though your face has switched and you showed me the real you.

–@nocturnalxo

Portal

The sky is like a portal

Figures of Swans that glide through the sky because they are immortal

Clouds that show you messages through symbols

Another world indeed

An astral dream to me

Different colors shine for the sun set

As the sun rests a deep blue sky takes over

Different shades of blue happen to spillover

Messages from the angels

Telling us that once we die thats when we live

Giving us hope for the day we crossover and reconnect with our past kids

When we reach the crossroads thats when we’ll meet again

When that deep blue sky turns to a dark shade of colors we cannot comprehend

I still know that you are present and will be there for me when i too must ascend

–@nocturnalxo

From Time

I dont know why it weighs on me heavy

Time has passed but i still feel so sweaty

When i think about you

When i think about us

I dont know about you

But i wish there was still an “us”

Deep down

Reconciliation passes through my mind like a halt at a bus stop

i know that our chapter is locked and sealed

Thrown In the past and covered with dirt and grass

But how come when i think of you my heart starts to peel

The core starts to shine

Are you sure you dont think of me from time to time?

If not then fine

I get it i cant be the one with every guy

But you

You left your mark

As the years past i dont think ill ever forget the spark

I want to let this go badly

But my heart says to look back ever so fondly

Its not healthy

So im ending this toxic fantasy

And with doing that

Hopefully i step back into reality

-nocturnalxo

Psychosis

Head pounding

Heart racing

It feels like

This isnt real.

Shadows dancing

Voices making me feel like i’ve made a deal

Like the air has been laced

And my hand is to my heart

im feeling the bass

Its Beating like drums that wont stop

Dissociation has taken over again and this time it brought locks

Am i dreaming? Did you hear that?

I dont know anymore, i just want my head back.

-@nocturnal