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grief nocturnalxo

(W)hole

I don’t know what i can say to make the pain go away

I dont know how i can act that will distract me from the fact

That since you’ve been gone its hard to move on

Since you have left the after effects is eating me to death

I try to hold it in and put on a brave face

But i live with the reminder that one day you were here and the next day you disappeared

One day you held me tight now i have to visualize you in order to be alright

When you left, a hole from the ceiling came

It still hasn’t been fixed.

I like to look at that as a metaphor for the hole in my heart that i just ignore

The feeling that, it will take me so long in order to feel whole again

Makes me sicker everyday as the mold begins to accumulate and enter my lungs slowly helping me wither away

Mentally and emotionally i can say your death has done the same.

@nocturnalxo

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Emma

I see the morning sky and i think of you at times when im lonely and to myself

Memories come to my mind since it hasn’t been much time since you left to paradise

And i cry because i miss you but also because i wish i was with you

And ill be mourning forever because the house has bad weather since you’ve been gone

Silent storms take on new forms to further try to numb my emotions

But no matter how much i cope in ways that should leave me numb im still always back to square one

I dont know what else to say that hasn’t already been said

I miss you and i wish i could see you again

@nocturnalxo

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nocturnalxo Uncategorized

An Ode To My Great Aunt

Its all hitting me at once

If i knew that was the last time i was going to see you

I would have hugged you harder and reassured my love had only gotten stronger

Even when the disease in your brain took my person away

I never forgot that shred of you that still remained, That shred of you that would take me to the park to play games

As a youngin but now id be frontin’ If i told you i cried when i heard the news

Because now as the decision to pull the plug comes closer

The tears in my eyes seem to flow with more force so

Yeah, Its all hitting me at once.

I prayed and prayed for your well state

From the minute you were diagnosed back in the 7th grade and we took you in to give you a place to stay

But i told God that this life for you is misery

Imagine if you ended up losing your memory

And now i regret it because i feel guilty like it was because of me

Like if i was in that lobby maybe i could have caught you

You told me your time was coming but i lacked to take it seriously

Your Dementia and Alzheimer’s would make you say anything

But i just want you to know that i just want your soul to glow and grow

And if you’ve reached past this mortal humanly ground than i understand if you have to go

Although i wish i could keep you around it still feels selfish somehow

90 summers you’ve lived

so safe travels if you end up with kin in the sky and tell them all that the kid said hi.

@nocturnalxo

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nocturnalxo

Animosity

The animosity

Is slowly haunting me

Went from super close to you barely talking to me

Was it jealousy? Or even envy?

That built a wedge between you and me?

I dont pretend to be

The picture perfect heavenly

Girl next door like you may be

But the animosity

Feels like its haunting me

Was it my fault?

Could it have been you?

I always had love for you

You know what? i know i still do

Even though your face has switched and you showed me the real you.

@nocturnalxo

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nocturnalxo

Portal

The sky is like a portal

Figures of Swans that glide through the sky because they are immortal

Clouds that show you messages through symbols

Another world indeed

An astral dream to me

Different colors shine for the sun set

As the sun rests a deep blue sky takes over

Different shades of blue happen to spillover

Messages from the angels

Telling us that once we die thats when we live

Giving us hope for the day we crossover and reconnect with our past kids

When we reach the crossroads thats when we’ll meet again

When that deep blue sky turns to a dark shade of colors we cannot comprehend

I still know that you are present and will be there for me when i too must ascend

@nocturnalxo

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From Time

I dont know why it weighs on me heavy

Time has passed but i still feel so sweaty

When i think about you

When i think about us

I dont know about you

But i wish there was still an “us”

Deep down

Reconciliation passes through my mind like a halt at a bus stop

i know that our chapter is locked and sealed

Thrown In the past and covered with dirt and grass

But how come when i think of you my heart starts to peel

The core starts to shine

Are you sure you dont think of me from time to time?

If not then fine

I get it i cant be the one with every guy

But you

You left your mark

As the years past i dont think ill ever forget the spark

I want to let this go badly

But my heart says to look back ever so fondly

Its not healthy

So im ending this toxic fantasy

And with doing that

Hopefully i step back into reality

-nocturnalxo

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nocturnalxo

Psychosis

Head pounding

Heart racing

It feels like

This isnt real.

Shadows dancing

Voices making me feel like i’ve made a deal

Like the air has been laced

And my hand is to my heart

im feeling the bass

Its Beating like drums that wont stop

Dissociation has taken over again and this time it brought locks

Am i dreaming? Did you hear that?

I dont know anymore, i just want my head back.

-@nocturnal

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nocturnalxo

Done Dirty

The wind in the air is left sturdy

Breezing through lies that they buried

Only those eyes know the truth

Dont ever let them lie to you

Water blood dirt fire

Doesnt matter they all get higher

From watching you rise and fall

The best thing you can do is call

The last bit of love you have inside

Its a shame it took you this long to find

Whats been buried in plain sight

Even though i don’t mind i

Feel frozen in place

Because for so long i couldn’t relate

Until i really saw

Your soul it left me in awe

Bluff after bluff thats all they seem to recall

Except your eyes always told the truth it was seen in blurry truth

And now you’re left with the blood on your leaves

What can you do everyone is over it, please!

But the encore never seems to stop

They’re just waiting for your fall

Don’t make it hot.

Oh but they see

And they analyze

Always fail to truly see

That you had it but it was hidden underneath

@nocturnalxo

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Uncategorized

Scream Hope

I’m not going to scream

I’m not going to cry

I’m going to continue to take things one step at a time

I’m not going to freak out

Anxiety is on its way out

And all I can really say is I do wanna scream and shout! But out of happiness!

After all these years I realized my purpose and i was just masking it

Lost in the sauce of who you thought I was

Whole time I really did have it all along

HOPE

Never lose hope

It may seem cloudy right now but never grab that rope

For life has beauties that we need to experience

It’s not filled with pain

Just heavy but we must maintain

And we must stay sane

In times where we are targeted for our brains

Just a little poetic justice

I dont know about you but i hope you can trust it

As i listen to D nice and ?uest love mix it up

You know how i feel so go out and spread some love

@nocturnalxo

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Uncategorized

The Unknown

Maybe I know too much

Maybe I know too little

But what I really know is that this time was meant to grow like I’m on a riddle

Not working for the people who represent hate

Because I just really can not relate

Keep looking I’ll send it right back to you

Do you really wanna get this started boo?

@nocturnalxo