Categories
blog post nocturnalxo poetry

Just Cant Get Enough

Sis is a poet, it feel good don’t it

My self esteem went down

Logically i can think why cant I count?

looking all around me i see ive been done a disservice

By not following through I made this worsen

Now I embrace who i truly am

Family oriented with a Golden plan

Breathe in, breathe out

We all have our own crowns

-CKC

Categories
blog post fiction nocturnalxo poetry

Rose In The BirthPlace.

Why yall hating on me X4

I do not believe, i just feel some things

Why ya hatin on me?

I heard you say somethings, face expressions talk more than things

Its crazy so lazy all you had to say was my baby i miss you but i cant deal with you

I would have understood

I dont think that im too good

No no not me

Why dont you believe

Sincere in my way i dont do it for cake

I do it for me

For my self esteem

Cant bottle this up no more and no its not in stores

But yo i cant take this sadness

Yo i gotta leave it in the past

And then ill see

The gift that God gave me.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo poetry Uncategorized

Letter To Myself.

Might seem little but she knows what to do

Kinda like she been here before and it feels kind of rude…

I watched her grow up and i see how she’s suppressed

I just wanted you all to know im her very best friend.

Found that within didnt have to search

I guess it really me myself and i but also the hearse. – Claudia Karina

Categories
nocturnalxo poetry

Fragile

i come in peace

With good intentions as the masterpiece i am

I come with an abundance of love

Ready to pour into your cup

But dont hurt me, im fragile

And dont play me cus i just cant handle

When things arent what they seem

Im a what you see is what you get type

So when things become a mirage

And when the hate has now camouflaged

My fragility turns into strength

Because i take that pain and i go on to paint it into these words

And thats where my fragility becomes my biggest asset. My greatest strength.

My ability to fix myself up after every fall

Every broken piece, i lost them all

And still i am.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
blog post nocturnalxo

Writers Block

My name is Karina (or Claudia, whatever. i don’t even care anymore) and i have major writers block.

I guess it started right after i posted that last story that i wrote. I kind of knew i wasn’t going to post a part 2 anytime soon even though i really wanted to, it just took me so long to even post part 1 so i knew it was over for part 2. xD (yes i will use emoticons, i feel like it adds personality and an old time blog feel.) so here i am trying to grasp any kind of poetry that comes to me (my notes app look like a disaster.)

I said i was going to focus on stories and blogs, but because of the writers block I basically ignored both. *face palm* this part of the entry is basically just me saying that these blog posts do a lot for me then they will probably ever do for you guys so let me get my Jenna Hamilton on and write. (MTV tv show awkward reference, Hi 5 if you got it.)

So yeah now to get to the actual content of the blog post, i have got to blog these feelings out because its heavy! As many of my past blog posts have mentioned, i lost 2 VIP family member’s who i lived with less than 5 months ago. Something i realized 4 months later is i do not know how to grieve. I literally fell back into my worst habits and have not started the healing process. (So ironic because my first blog posts was basically my homework for how i can handle when life goes downhill but i wont beat myself up over it)

When i was younger i would cry about everything, everything! Now, i barely cry. I have to watch old videos and really think hard to cry about my grandma. Not because I’m not sad or i don’t miss her but its because i literally try my hardest to not think about the death for too long. I have noticed though my little 4 month emotionless run is done. Back to being a cry baby which I’m grateful for because tears heal.

I felt like since December i just ignored the hurt and pain. My life wasn’t going too bad, excluding the deaths, so afterwards i just focused on the things i did have like the people in my life and the wealth I accumulated and it worked! I wasn’t too sad and felt like things were going to be okay until i didn’t have those things either. I realized i wasn’t healing. i wasn’t addressing the actual pain, i was just distracting myself. Now my grandma stays in my dreams and every morning i wake up with this pain in my chest. but the first step is feeling it. Something i have tried my hardest to not do for the past couple of months.

I write all this to say that when things go wrong in life many people run to things like substances or other people or material possessions and while that may soothe the pain it doesn’t heal. Just a bandaid put on top of the wound. I feel like i might have touched on this before but it doesn’t hurt to reinstate the facts of the matter.

I feel like a broken record with the hurt and pain of my grandma but one thing about me is I’m going to express myself. Like right now im going through a little heartbreak and im hoping i can get some fire poetry but for some reason the heart break gave me 2 poems and then dipped! Like the writers block said haha yea right! Ima let this writers block pass though and im giving you guys relationship heartbreak kinda content when the curse is lifted. Hope you guys are still down :p

Peace ☮️

Categories
nocturnalxo poetry

Heartbreak Hotel

They say things get better with time

But ima sip on this wine till it gets better in my mind

They say things get better when you work

But i just wanna lay in bed all day like clockwork

Heartbreak hotel

The desk clerk knows me so well

Heartbreak hotel

It feels like someone casted a spell

A spell that keeps me locked in this hotel

The way my heart is in critical condition

may sound dramatic but there were barely any intermissions

from abuse to betrayal to death

These last 5 years have put me to the test

But i see an opening of strength

Where i take my power back and go the length

My past doesn’t determine my future

so i’m learning as i go

And this hotel isn’t the way to go

So this is my last stay

Starting today the focus is on me

Because thats how it should be

And i wont have any more stays as long as i stay true to the one person who’s never broken my heart

@nocturnalxo

Categories
nocturnalxo poetry

Deranged

Feeling like i need you to save me

Hanging on the edge, im feeling so crazy

Deranged deranged deranged

Its strange the way it rains

Once things don’t go your way

Wont stop till it has changed

In ways i can’t explain

Maybe one day things will get better

Look outside, theres such great weather

Maybe one day my mindset will switch

And realize all the beauty inside of this

World so full of chances

World we often take for granted

Deranged deranged deranged

Its strange the way it rains

I try my best to switch lanes

And look at the brighter side of things

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

(W)hole

I don’t know what i can say to make the pain go away

I dont know how i can act that will distract me from the fact

That since you’ve been gone its hard to move on

Since you have left the after effects is eating me to death

I try to hold it in and put on a brave face

But i live with the reminder that one day you were here and the next day you disappeared

One day you held me tight now i have to visualize you in order to be alright

When you left, a hole from the ceiling came

It still hasn’t been fixed.

I like to look at that as a metaphor for the hole in my heart that i just ignore

The feeling that, it will take me so long in order to feel whole again

Makes me sicker everyday as the mold begins to accumulate and enter my lungs slowly helping me wither away

Mentally and emotionally i can say your death has done the same.

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Mama Patria

my second mother

my right when I’m wrong

my good conscious because yours was so strong

so much of me i got from you

because you were just another mother to me too

Raising me like you raised your own

because that was just you

That motherly feeling ran in your bones

i lived with you since i was 5 years old

and wow i saw why every one loves your soul

Kind, considerate, and just plain ole good

the best role model cus we all wish we could

Live up to who you were and who you still are

Because energy never dies and you’ve been a star

I remember exactly how i felt when it sunk in

That you were really my grandma

you were really my kin

The feeling of pride, i cannot deny because

i felt so lucky to be growing up with someone like you by my side

A perfect example of how it doesn’t matter what you do career wise

but how you treat people makes the difference when it’s time to say goodbye

Because we are all just so sad

Even though it was 93 years,

thats the touch you had

Im not sure if you knew just how much i loved you

but i wont be sad anymore i’ll do that for you

I’ll do it for us

just know you can trust.

I won’t let you down

Here and then when i think of you i might wear a frown

Only because i miss you and i wish we had more time

i wish you could have heard me rhyme

But that’s alright and its okay

Im sorry for the days i didn’t obey

The presence might seem gone but i know

life is more then what meets the eyes

you probably sitting in the back of this place

With a smile on your face and the crown worn sideways

Cus you was cool like that

Thats how i will remember you

As a Mother Theresa type of cool cat

So rest now because this earth was never your home

too pure to be in this kind of zone

Ill never stop missing you, that is for sure

but i know you’ll never be too far away as long as we are here

And i thank you for being our new angel

Ill try my best to bear

@nocturnalxo

Categories
grief nocturnalxo

Memories

now i have just memories of you and me

only pieces of how we used to be

I miss you terribly

And the thought of never seeing you again

It’s fucking with my head

It’s fucking with my heart

Quite frankly its tearing me apart.

You were my rock,

You were my heart

I don’t remember what life was like when we were apart

I dont remember what it was like to not hear you speak or call out my name regularly

For the phone or the remote or even a glass of water

And now without your voice the house just sounds much quieter

I miss you deeply and wish this was all just a dream i wish you didn’t just become a memory because life with out you is harder than it seems

I wish i can see you and wake up from this nightmare but i know you wouldn’t want me to dwell and you would just want me to take care

Want me to cherish the memories that we shared and stay strong for family, try and help them bear.

@nocturnalxo